The New Ceremonial First Pitch Measuring Stick: Don't Do Worse Than Hello Kitty
If you can't throw a better first pitch than Hello Kitty, you don't belong on the mound.
Now that the MLB season is underway, we're going to be seeing lots of one of my favorite things the sports world has to offer: ceremonial first pitches.
I'm fascinated by how something that has no impact on the game can carry so much pressure with so little payoff.
Throw a perfect heater from the rubber, and no one says boo.
Throw one several feet wide of the player and five short, and prepare to be on blooper reels for the rest of your life.
We all know the worst pitches. 50 Cent gave us one of the worst of all-time, but that's at the far end of the spectrum. On the good end of the spectrum are pitches like George W. Bush at the World Series in 2001, or, my personal favorite, John Daly putting one over the plate while wearing flip-flops
Where is the dividing line between a pitch you can live with and one that will make you want to move to a new state and change your name?
Well, I think the answer is Hello Kitty.
The iconic Japanese cartoon character threw out the first pitch at Saturday's Boston Red Sox game.
While we shouldn't expect to see Hello Kitty cracking the Yomiuri Giants rotation anytime soon, it was far from the worst pitch we've ever seen.
Alright, so there it is, folks! That is the new measuring stick for first pitches.
You have to at least throw a better pitch than someone in a Hello Kitty costume, which I don't think is too much to ask.
If you're even moderately athletically inclined and have at least touched a baseball at some point in the last 25 years, you can handle it.
Which is why I think it's more than fair to say if you throw a worse pitch than Hello Kitty, you should have to move into a Unabomber shack in the wilds of Montana.
Just please steer clear of getting into his extracurricular activities.