Legendary NFL Safety Nearly Died Trying To Pass A Drug Test At LSU

Legendary NFL safety Tyrann Mathieu nearly died trying to pass a drug test at LSU. And by "trying to pass,' I mean doing everything in his power to pump out some clean pee. 

I mean everything. 

It's a tale as old as time in college athletics. Frankly, sports in general. The dreaded pee test. You show up one day, and there's that cup, just sitting in your locker. We've all heard stories about it. It's not a secret. We've been trying to beat that system for years. 

Sure, we could just stop doing drugs and beat it the old-fashioned way, but where's the fun in that?

Anyway, Mathieu – known as the Honeybadger – was once backed wayyyyyyyyyy into a corner during his LSU days. Things got so dire, he allowed the internet of all places to be his guiding light. 

After doing some quick Googling, he landed on one final Hail Mary to pass this drug test: drink bleach. 

2020 America would be proud:

Tyrann Mathieu gave it his all 

"I'm just scrolling, scrolling, and I come across some shit that said, man, put a little bleach in the top and put it in your Coca-Cola. So I did that. ‘Yo, what the f--k?’ My whole insides was erupting. Throwing that shit up. At that point I'm like, 'F--k it, I've run out of tricks.'"

Yep. That'll do it. Feel like I've never heard the pros of drinking bleach. It's usually just the cons. It says it right there on the bottle. I feel like I'd just rather risk getting kicked out of school at this point, right? Or, perhaps, give the "fake penis" route another go, as Tyrann said. 

But, kids will be kids, and boys will be boys. That's just how it goes. We send our kids to college, and this is what it's all about. They have to figure life out on their own. Some drink bleach and get away with it. Some don't. 

I played baseball for, easily, the worst DIII team in America. And I mean easily. We were dead last on the field, but buddy, we dominated the Saturday night party scene. We always took pride in that. 

Anyway, one time during my senior year, we were all on the crappy little bus on the way home from a practice, and our coach – who was DRIVING, if that tells you anything – randomly said, "Yeah, DIII is going to start drug-testing this season, so be on the lookout for that."

You could hear a pin drop in that van. It was DEAD silent the rest of the way. The group chats started flying in the car. The panic was palpable. Everyone was cooked. 

Luckily, it was just a joke. He never told us that, but the drug tests never came. We got to play all season!

We finished 2-27. 

I miss those days.