End Of An Aura: Make The Home Run Derby Great Again

Growing up in the '90s, two events dominated every other all-star event from any of the four major North American sports leagues.

The NBA's Slam Dunk Contest and MLB's Home Run Derby.

Part of the allure of these events, at least for me, was watching my heroes do things that I was incapable of doing.

Being a string bean my entire adolescent and early adult life, I never had the power to hit a big fly out of the park and, although in my early '20s I could throw down some subjectively admirable dunks for a 5-foot-10 white guy (i.e. barley grazing the ball over the rim), I was never going to be able to accomplish some of the feats of the NBA's greatest dunkers.

Another thing that made both events so watchable, namely the Home Run Derby, was the pageantry.

The Midsummer Classic's dinger fest was perfect: 10 outs per hitter, clean uniforms, Chris Berman serenading your ears with his patented "BACK, BACK, BACK," calls.

It was perfect!

So why did ESPN and MLB feel the need to fix what wasn't broken in the first place?

Let's start with the commentary.

Look, I like Pat McAfee.

I think he's a fun alternative to some of the other trash they've been letting on the airwaves lately, but the guy needs to pick and choose his moments.

Not everything needs to be turned up to 11; sometimes the moments can speak for themselves.

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I'm not trying to roast McAfee too hard here, but I think we need to bring back Berman.

Another issue everyone seems to be having is with the presentation, particularly the camera angles and split screens.

This reminds me of that scene in Jurassic Park where Jeff Goldblum talks about scientists being so worried about whether they "can" do something when they should be more concerned about whether they "should."

Sure, you can go split screen and show 13 different angles of Jazz Chisholm hitting a lazy fly ball in the first round of the derby, but should you?

Let's just stick with what works, shall we?

Speaking of sticking with what works, how about the format change?

Well said, Senior Zapo!

Why did we get rid of the 10-out format for the Home Run Derby again?

Oh, that's right! Because casual fans can't sit still without "constant action" because they have the attention span of a goldfish.

We talked about letting the moment breathe, and there's no way that's possible with this weird, rapid-fire shot clock they have going on.

Seriously, just look at this absolute launch job from Oneil Cruz being immediately interrupted by a sharp grounder to second.

Thanks for ruining the moment, ESPN.

We never would've gotten Josh Hamilton's 2008 Derby barrage if we were so worried about "the social media generation" being able to digest it all.

And finally, speaking of the good old days, how about those uniforms, eh?

Holy Mother Mary, look at those abominations!

Can we just go back to the clean, classic All-Star jerseys we had before?

Or better yet, let each player wear the jersey of their own team.

Either way, get this crap off my screen before I have to grab a bucket and some Nauzene.

In the end, it doesn't matter who wins the Home Run Derby, because we as viewers have already lost.