Top 5 Foods Served in Sports Equipment: Which Overpriced Novelty Reigns Supreme?

Is there anything better than being served food or drink in a novelty version of a piece of sporting equipment?

Aside from maybe getting married, having a kid, winning the lottery, watching football, getting two packs of Skittles out of a vending machine when you were only buying one, having your team win a championship, and puppies, I believe the answer is a definitive, no.

READ: FREESTYLE SODA MACHINES ARE A PLAGUE AND I’M TIRED OF PRETENDING THEY AREN’T

But which piece of gear reigns supreme as a vessel for overpriced stadium food or beer and is worth the upcharge over a paltry paper boat or plastic cup?

Let's dig in, shall we? 

5) Crash Helmet

This is the item that inspired the entire list. Formula 1's Las Vegas Grand Prix is this weekend, and that means we're going to see all kinds of goofy, expensive nonsense.

But one piece of this nonsense really got my attention, and that was a giant cocktail served in an upside-down crash helmet.

Whoa… I bet you have to skip rent to pay for that.

Looks to me like this is basically one of those fishbowl cocktails just put in a helmet instead. I'm not big on the communal cocktail thing — there's always some back-washing idiot ruining it for everyone — but this is the power of serving things in sports equipment.

I. Want. One.

Or at least, I'd ask to take a swig from someone else's already bought. That's the more likely scenario.

The only thing that knocks the crash helmet to No. 5 is that it has to be expensive. That, and I'd be terrified that I'd accidentally open the visor and spill rum punch all over my pants in front of celebrities.

4) Beer Stick/Beer Bat

I'm putting these together because, by my expert estimation, they are the same. 

They're hollow, plastic versions of bats and sticks that they get filled full of your favorite domestic draft… as long as that draft is one of the team's sponsors.

I love these. How great is big beer?

If someone asks if you want two small beers or one big one and it's the same amount of suds, always take the big beer. You feel like a Viking. Trust me.

The only thing I don't love about the beer stick and why these come home in the No. 4 spot is that while they're awesome in theory and awesome to buy, the second you get back to your seat, you'll be like, "Why the f--k did I do this?"

Especially with the beer stick. Have fun holding that thing until you finish it because you can't set it down without it tipping over, and good luck cramming it in a cupholder.

3) Shoes

Ah, the shoey…

This is the only piece of equipment on the list that isn't just sold in stadiums; it's a celebration that you see on soccer pitches, rugby pitches, and at race tracks.

Australians can't get enough of it for some reason. Maybe that's how you make Foster's palatable.

Back to Vegas for a second, because the bar where that crash helmet is sold is called the Shoey Bar, and they're also mixing up some shoeys that probably cost more than if you just ordered a pair of racing boots and dumped your own booze in them.

You know what those pricey shoeys are missing, though? 

The secret ingredient: victory sweat.

2) Zamboni 

I'm realizing that Las Vegas is the food in a novelty sports equipment vessel capital of the world, because while I've seen this one being offered elsewhere, the first team I was aware of doing it was the Vegas Golden Knights.

So, ladies and gentlemen — *Casey Kasem voice* — coming in at No. 2 in our countdown, it's chicken tenders and fries served in a mini Zamboni.

This is spectacular.

Rarely do you see a novelty piece of equipment make a better vessel than the usual paper boat or plastic cup. Take the beer stick, for instance, as great as it is, it's a bigger pain in the ass than a plastic cup.

But the Zamboni actually improves upon the paper boat or cardboard tray. I mean, look at how it holds the tenders upright so grease drips off and how the fries are neatly contained by the higher-walled sides and not falling all over the place like they are in a soggy paper boat.

And the way the Zamboni lid opens offers the perfect place to put an artist's palate of sauces and condiments for your tendy journey.

What a beautiful combination of design, engineering, and fried food.

1) Batting Helmet

I know it might seem predictable, but was there ever really another option? The mini batting helmet is the OG and still the greatest piece of equipment to eat out of.

While all of these other items are fun, none are a rite of passage like mini helmets. I don't have kids, but if I do in the future, they will reach an age at which I take them to a minor league ballpark for a couple scoops of mint chocolate chip in a brain bucket.

It'll be like how in ancient times kids had to hunt mammoths with their bare hands or whatever… except this is with ice cream.

These set the gold standard for every other novelty that followed, and you still can't beat them. Plus, they're the most collectible of the bunch. 

They're great once they get home, too. If you're having a bad day or feeling a little anxious, go get yourself some ice cream at the grocery store and put a couple of scoops in your "Break glass in case of emergency" mini batting helmet. Everything will be just a bit better.

Not that much better, just a bit.

I mean, it's just a mini plastic batting helmet, not Xanax.