Power Rankings: NFL Teams As Christmas Characters
Oh baby, it's the best month of the NFL season. The games start to actually mean something, the weather starts to take an absolute nosedive AND we start getting games on Thursday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday.
Saturday NFL games are lowkey elite, by the way. Feel like it's because by the time we get to them here in a few weeks we've gone like three weeks without legit college football action on a Saturday. We're in the early stages of CFB withdrawal and the NFL checks in to pick us right the hell up.
The best.
Look, I'll be honest with you. Some weeks these are easy to pump out. Like last week, for example. Deadspin made the Week 13 tiers a slam dunk. List of the worst/best race-baiters in the business? God, I could do that in my sleep.
Some weeks, there's just not much going on. I thought about doing something on everyone acting like FSU getting rightfully left out of the playoffs was worse than WWIII, but I feel like that story is sort of played out at this point.
So, I'm taking somewhat of a layup today by going ... Christmas! I know, "real original, Zach." I get it. You're right.
BUT, I ain't rolling over that easy just yet.
Don't believe me? Let's try out a Week 14 NFL Power Rankings: Teams ranked as Christmas movie characters edition and see where it goes. Sound like a plan?
I hope so, because I'm doing it regardless!
Tier 1: The Cousin Eddie tier
Cousin Eddie isn't just the most iconic Christmas movie character of all time, he's one of the most iconic movie characters period. How many people can come into a movie when it's already halfway over and immediately steal the show?
I'd argue Christmas Vacation is good but not elite for the first half of the movie. When Cousin Eddie shows up in Clark's yard, THEN the movie becomes a classic. The guy just gives us iconic line after iconic line, and it's nonstop.
"Clark, That's The Gift That Keeps On Giving The Whole Year."
"Don't Forget The Rubber Sheets And Gerbils."
"And If it Wouldn't Be Too Much, I'd Like To Get Something For You, Clark ... Something Real Nice."
"Merry Christmas! S****** Was Full!"
This line is also maybe my favorite line of the entire movie:
Just perfect.
The 49ers stomped on the Eagles' throat and stuffed them in a locker in humiliating fashion. Game was never close. Best team in the NFL by a decent amount right now.
Yes, I moved Dallas and Miami back to the first tier. It's been a while for both. Good thing those teams NEVER let anyone down!
Probably a bit unfair to the Fighting Dan Campbells, but they'll survive. Pretty easy schedule and they're all but assured an opening round home game next month.
We'll get to the Chiefs in a minute. I just can't do it anymore.
Tier 2: The Old Man from Christmas Story tier
Old Man Parker, played by Darren McGavin, literally made A Christmas Story the iconic movie it still is today. Without him, it's trash. Simple as that. Take the dad out, and I promise you it wouldn't be on TBS for 24 hours straight every Christmas day.
Also, did you know they never actually say his real name in the movie? He's always just the old man. Some internet sleuths think it's Hal. I've also heard Frank. Still can't find a definitive answer to this day.
The opening scene with him going nuts on the furnace sets the tone for the rest of the movie, but it's not even his best. Hell, I don't even know what his best scene is.
The lamp? Frageeeeeeeeeeelie? The tree? Don't anybody move! The moment he watches Ralphie open the gun (gets me every time)?
All good. But this one is maybe the most perfectly-delivered line in the history of cinema:
Look, I just can't keep putting the Chiefs in the first tier based on merit alone. It's the best vs. most deserving FSU argument all over again. They have the resume but they stink right now and frankly haven't looked right all season.
Does it mean Pat Mahomes won't unleash hell next month and get them back to the Super Bowl? Absolutely not. He very well could. But, right now, that team ain't scaring anyone.
Jags get somewhat of a pass because Trevor Lawrence nearly snapped his ankle in half, but that defense is trash. How about the AFC South quietly becoming the most competitive division in the NFL? Wild twist.
If the Bills, off a bye, can't beat this KC team on Sunday, they're toast. Time to nut up, fellas.
Marissa Lawrence and the ladies!
Tier 3: The Marv Murchins tier
Marv from Home Alone is such a solid character all around. He's not the star of the show, so I can't put him higher than No. 3, but he gives a Tier 1 performance from start to finish.
Feel like Daniel Stern was sort of Kevin James before Kevin James came in and cornered the physical comedy market. Some people can just make getting hit in the face with a brick funnier than it already would be, and Stern does it time and time again.
Marv also gives us some sneaky funny one-liners, too.
Wow! What a hole.
Harry, I've Reached The Top!
Why The Hell Are You Dressed Like A Chicken?
Maybe he committed suicide? (would never fly today)
Look, I don't think any of these NFL teams are particularly good, but the pickins get pretty slim after Tier 2.
Chef Russ cooked up a pile of crap with three picks in the biggest game of the year. Not great! Welcome back, Mr. Unlimited!
Joe Flacco off the couch can still sling it. Seriously, every time Scott Hanson sent us to the Elves game it was just Flacco throwing 60-yard bombs. Love it.
Nightcaps was on the Jake Browning train back in September. Hope everyone paid attention.
The Steelers suffered the most predictable let-down game of the year, but now we get Mitch Trubisky back in the saddle for a few weeks. Buckle up.
Hillary!
Tier 4: The Clark Griswold tier
Some of you will surely say Clark Griswold is too low on this mountain, and I respect that. I do. I LOVE Clark Griswold. Christmas Vacation is very clearly my No. 1 Christmas movie, and he's a huge part of it.
But let me ask you this ... what are probably the two most-quoted lines from that movie?
Shitter's full and ...
Why's the carpet wet, Todd? I don't know, Margo!
Neither of those come from Clark. I'm not saying I agree with it, but it's just fact. I can't put Chevy Chase ahead of the above three for that reason and that reason alone.
Now, all that being said, he does have some A+ moments in this film. Duh. The opening car scene. Looks great. Lot of sap. When he goes nuts at the end and just starts chopping stuff down with a chainsaw. The hot mall girl scene.
All excellent. None better than this one, though:
And by the way, I'm not even saying this is a bad tier!
The Rams and Packers are quietly surging right now. Hell, the Packers are somehow in possession of the final wild cart spot in the NFC, followed by ... the Rams!
Are they legit contenders? Nah. Are they the stars of their own division? No way. But, both these teams can, and probably will, make some noise down the stretch, so they're respectable.
Tier 5: The Ted Maltin from Jingle All The Way tier
*NFC South team that wouldn't make the CFB playoffs but will somehow host an NFL playoff game.
Some of you may not know Jingle all the Way. If you're one of those people, do yourself a favor and fix that this weekend, because it's one of the most underrated Christmas movies of all time.
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sinbad, Phil Hartman and Jake Lloyd (AKA young Anakin from Star Wars). How in the hell can you go wrong?
It's truly a ridiculous movie from start to finish, but a classic non-action Schwarzenegger film, too. Sort of like the holiday version of Kindergarten Cop minus the really dark stuff at the end.
Now, Schwarzenegger and Sinbad are the stars and they're both fine. But Phil Hartman as the horny single neighbor provides by far the best comedy of the entire movie. The problem is, there's just not enough of him. Need more Phil Hartman.
PS: you wanna talk about a tragic death? Good lord.
Anyway, if he was the star of the movie, I'd argue he'd be up a tier or two. But for now, we just get little moments like this:
Incredible.
Someone has to win the NFC South, right? The Falcons are coming off a really impressive 13-8 win over the worst offense in NFL history. Nice. The Saints were down 21-0 six minutes into their game against Detroit. That is 100% true.
The Bucs are maybe the most meh team in NFL history. Think about it. When was the last time you saw Bucs highlights on TV? Yet here they are, 5-7 and one game back in the division.
Congrats to the Mayfields, though! New baby on the way!
Tier 6: The Jamie Langston/Cindy Lou Who tier
This one was tricky. I could've just taken the easy, mainstream route and gone "Scrooge" and called it a day. Easy way to put a bow on it.
But I actually like Scrooge. Hey, losers, instead of begging the rich guy for all his money why don't you ask him for a job and make your own way?
So, I thought to myself, 'Self, what really annoys you most in Christmas movies?' And it hit me ... annoying little brats who think they know everything.
That's what Jamie Langston -- Jake Lloyd from Jingle all the way -- and Cindy Lou Who are. Stupid little Jamie just bitches the entire movie. That's it. He complains from the jump about his dad (Arnold) working too much and missing all the events in his life.
Hey, Jamie, buddy ... you see that roof on your head? You see all those fun little toys in your room? You see that TV you're watching non-stop? Who do you think pays for all that? How do you think you got all that crap?
From your dad busting his ass and selling mattresses from dusk till dawn, that's how. Maybe do a little less complaining and a little more appreciating.
And you know what? The same goes for Cindy Lou Who. Hey, Cindy, who the hell are you to just insert yourself into a town's Christmas tradition and decide it's all wrong? You're like 5. They've done it this way for hundreds of years and you know what? Everyone got along just fine.
Who the hell are you to tell anyone -- much less the Grinch -- how to live their life? Get your ass back to bed and wait for Santa like the rest of the kids in town. Stop trying to be the hero. We don't need a hero. We need a drama-free Christmas season so we can escape from the rest of the miserable world.
Does this look drama-free, Cindy?
The Chargers beat the Jets 6-0.
Six. Nothing. An actual NFL game.
The Titans' special teams play was so horrendous is got their punter snapped in two and the coach fired. Nice work.
The Commanders thought putting one single human on Tyreek Hill would work. Solid first outing for Ron Rivera as the DC.
The New England Patriots:
Have a suggestion for next week’s NFL Power Rankings tiers? Email me at zach.dean@outkick.com.