NFL Power Rankings Week 5: Who Is The Bud Light Of The League?
It's the first week of October and -- for now -- it appears order has been somewhat restored in the NFL. As a Dolphins fan, I'm still nursing my hangover from Sunday's beatdown, although I should've seen it coming. That's on me.
Anyway, it's Week 5 of our NFL Power Rankings, and the restoring of power will be reflected. The Buffalo Bills continue to be Miami's daddy, the 49ers are everyone's daddy, and the Patriots may be the worst team in the league. Is Mac Jones sort of a dick? Who knows! But nobody's having fun right now up there.
For those who don't read Nightcaps -- a dumb decision on your part but it's a free country -- late last week was National Drink Beer Day. Why anyone would need a specific day to tell them to drink beer is beyond me, but to each his own.
I wrote about it in Nightcaps, pumped out my personal Mount Rushmore of Beers, and it generated a massive response.
I knew it would, which is why I did it. We're big fans of the clicks around here, you know. Here's my list, followed by a couple emails:
From Mike:
I'm with you on the Golden Road, they have a brewery/restaurant right across from Angel Stadium and we'll hit that up before a game, and sometimes after. I've switched up from Busch Light to Coors Light for the time being.
We can't get Yuengling in the OC, but I've traveled east and it's really good beer. Just picked up the Sam Adams beer fest variety pack, it's okay, sorry, not a fan of pumpkin beers.
And, from Ryan:
I’ll never begrudge a man his beer preferences but I will disagree with them.
1. Miller lite
2. Shiner bock (anything but holiday cheer, have you had salt & lime??)
3. Dos Equis
4. Yellow bellies
You all see where this is going, right?
Who the hell is the Bud Light of the NFL? Let's dive in! It's NFL Power Rankings, the 'Best Beers In America' edition!
Tier 1: The Yuengling tier
It's America's beer, right? The country's oldest brewery, the most patriotic one, and the anti-Bud Light. You wanna be on the right side of history when it's all said and done? You drink Yuengling. Ever been to Pottsville? Me neither. But I'd imagine it's oozing with pride for our great country, just like Yuengling.
When Bud Light went beyond woke earlier this year, you know who stepped up and took a stand? Yuengling. Delicious, affordable, diverse in flavor and hey, they even use hot girls for marketing.
That's America, brother.
The 49ers are the best team in the NFL right now and, after Miami's dud, it's not really close. Brock Purdy's worst passer rating of the year? It was 93.1 against the Rams a few weeks ago. Stupid.
Josh Allen dropped his nuts on the table and told the cute little Dolphins to take a swim. Again, stupid.
The Eagles are probably too high because they've played like garbage but just haven't played anyone. Cowboys are too low but also, they're the Cowboys. We all know how this ends.
Everyone wants to talk about Travis Kelce and you-know-who, but are we gonna talk about how bad the Chiefs' offense has looked this year? Seriously, they stink right now. It's maybe the worst crop of receivers in the NFL.
The Lions are finally in Tier 1! Took 'em a few weeks, but it was only a matter of time before Man Campbell worked his way to the top.
Kneecaps for everyone!
Tier 2: The Busch Light tier
7. Miami Dolphins (1)
For the second straight week, the Dolphins get their own tier. Last week it was Tier 1, this week they drop to Tier 2 for obvious reasons.
Frankly, they should be dropped to the Bud Light tier we'll get to in a minute, but I've taken a couple days to cool off so they go in the Busch Light one instead.
Why? It's a great beer. It's my favorite. I have a giant Yeti cooler out back packed to the brim with the stuff. You wanna get tanked for $15 and still enjoy yourself while doing it? Head to Publix and grab an 18-rack of Busch Light.
But it's also loosely affiliated with Dylan Mulvaney and the wokes over at Bud Light and Anheuser-Busch. Ew.
Naturally, people don't trust it as much anymore. You saw what Mike said a bit ago. He left Busch Light for COORS LIGHT, which is piss-water IMO.
The Dolphins are Busch Light. The beer we all drank and loved and had a good time with, but now it's gone and done something dumb so we're a little skeptical.
Time will help -- Miami has THE GIANTS AND PANTHERS the next two weeks -- but for now, you have to drink Busch Light in secrecy and root for Miami at your own risk.
Tier 3: The Miller Lite tier
Love a good Miller Lite. Very divisive beer, though. Some people love it, and some laugh in your face when you order it.
My wife hates it. Won't touch the stuff. She swears it tastes weird to her, but every time I ask her how it tastes weird she fails to give me a coherent response.
You also had that one time back in the spring when Miller Lite nearly got canceled for their weird ad about women being too sexualized in the beer industry.
Folks paused for a brief moment after that, but the numbers show that they eventually jumped back on the Miller train.
The Ravens crushed the Elves after Deshaun Watson apparently took a rest day. Good for him. He needed it after nearly 18 months away from football.
The Chargers nearly Chargered against Aiden O'Connell, who seriously looks like a chubbier version of Derek Carr with a mustache. Even has the same number.
Joe Buck mentioned it on the broadcast, and I'm glad he did ... Pete's jawbones must be incredible. I've never seen someone chew gum like him. Never. It hurts me just to watch.
Sarah Jane:
Tier 4: The PBR tier
The cheapest, most daring beer in the world. It's what we all had in college and what none of us have now.
Seriously -- when was the last time you had a PBR ... willingly? For me, it's been a solid decade. But boy, is it tempting -- especially in Joe's economy.
I see the 30-rack of PBR for $8 staring me right in the face every single time I'm out, but I never bite. I want to, but I won't. Can't. It's gross. We didn't care in college because we just wanted to get tanked as quick as possible for as little as possible, but now we're adults and have some standards and class.
Are the Jags ready to sit at the grownups table again with us? It was a decent first step across the pond, but they also played maybe the worst QB in the NFL, so let's slow down a bit.
Are the Rams good? Eh. Is Puka good? Yep. Is girlfriend Hallie Aiono a pistol? You bet!
Seriously, did Deshaun Watson just ... not play? That's what some boots on the ground are suggesting. This guy is such a loser. Cleveland must be in hell.
CJ Stroud completed 16 passes for 300 yards last week. Derek Carr (the real one, not the fake one) completed 23 for 127, which is impressively bad.
What a damn hit:
Tier 5: The Coffee porter/stout tier
Anyone who tells you they like a good Coffee porter/stout is lying and needs to be sent to the sun. They're full of crap and just trying to look cool and sophisticated.
You know how many breweries I've been to in my life? A billion. You know how many coffee-flavored beers I've ordered? None. I drink my coffee in the morning out of a Maxwell jar like the rest of the America.
If I wanted beer in the morning, I'd drink beer. And believe me, I have. But I've never thought to myself, let me mix this Busch Light with this piping hot cup off coffee and really start my day strong.
Coffee and a nicotine pouch in the morning? Absolute game-changer. Respect. Look out, toilet.
Coffee and beer? You're trying too hard. Gross.
The Titans won their first game of the season because they played a team that's apparently tanking for Caleb Williams. Seriously, what the hell is going on in Cincinnati? Is Joe Burrow a fraud? Is Zac Taylor gonna survive the season? What a weird twist.
The Vikings won even though Kirk Cousins threw a 99-yard touchdown to the other team and got trucked like that chick at Ole Miss during the return. I actually did the Colts a favor by moving them up a tier so they wouldn't be in the Bud Light one.
They're better than I thought. Credit where credit's due.
Mike Tomlin, how's your week going?!
Tier 6: The Bud Light Tier
Well, it's in the headline so you all knew it was coming. What a fall from grace for Bud Light. They were on top of the mountain for 20 years and then decided to put Dylan Mulvaney on a can and it all went to hell.
Frankly, I never liked the stuff to begin with. I've long thought Bud Light tasted like crap and never understood why it was so popular, so it wasn't much of a change in my life. If anything, it was vindication.
And now, it's gone. Apparently, the only person left who drinks that sh*t is ol' Mr. Pfizer himself, Travis Kelce. What a loser. I truly, truly hate him.
The Falcons should've left Desmond Ridder in London. He STINKS, both in the Pixar world and real NFL life.
Sam Howell is on pace to die by Week 10. That's one to monitor.
Mac Jones got benched and Bill Belichick lost by 35. When you make a deal with the devil, that bill's gonna come due at some point. It's happening in New England.
The only two people in the NFL who are hated more than Travis Kelce are Matt Eberflus and Josh McDaniels.
Personally, I'd send all three to the sun with a case of Bud Light and call it a day.
Have a suggestion for next week's NFL Power Rankings tiers? Email me at zach.dean@outkick.com.