NFL Power Rankings: Ravens Are Bucking Good, Giants Are All Alone, Texans Earn Their Stripes
And just like that, the NFL regular season is half over. Isn't that sad? It's right around this time of year where you start to get that pit in your stomach over college football and the NFL, because you know we're closer to the end than the beginning.
At least for college football. There are three full college football Saturdays left. Think about that. Three. Brutal.
But our weekly NFL power rankings tiers aren't meant to bring you down. Quite the opposite, in fact. So, we're gonna grab a couple Orange Whips and turn all those frowns upside down.
Yes, it's a John Candy themed episode! Weird, you say? Nope. Not at all. Did you know it was his birthday last week? Me neither. John Candy was born on Halloween, 1951. Had NO idea until I did some research last night while watching Uncle Buck on AMC. You know what came on after Uncle Buck?
The Great Outdoors!
It was a John Candy double feature on AMC. Talk about one hell of a way to end a Tuesday. Bonus: Home Alone 2: Lost In New York was on at the same time over on Freeform.
Double the John Candy AND double the Macaulay Culkin. Who had it better than me last night? No one.
Anyway, all that to say we're gonna rank 32 NFL teams within a John Candy grading system. RIP, big guy. One of the best to ever do it.
Let's trigger some people.
Tier 1: The Uncle Buck tier
Not only the best John Candy movie by a mile, but one of the best movies of all time. That's right. All time.
I grew up on Uncle Buck, which probably explains a lot about me, seeing as I was like 5 when I first watched it and it's certainly not a movie for a 5-year-old.
This is an absolute masterclass from John Candy, from start to finish. It's essentially a one-man show for two hours where Candy brings us through all the emotions, and he nails it.
The scene where he rips the school principal to her face and then gives her a quarter to have a rat gnaw the mole off is as funny today as it was in 1989, and the battle between him and his brat niece has a more compelling story arc than Jack and Rose.
You laugh, you cry, you cheer -- it's the best. What a movie.
It's past time to put the Ravens on top. They've sneakily been the best in the NFL for a while now, and the absolute drubbing of the Seahawks on Sunday proves it. They will certainly stumble at some point because the Lamar Jackson Ravens always do, but they're the real deal as of Nov. 9.
The Bengals are officially back and now they're gonna start trying because it's November and Joe Burrow doesn't get out of bed until the leaves turn, while the Chiefs are fine. Look, they didn't win in Germany, the Dolphins lost because they couldn't get out of their own way and Tyreek Hill stunk.
Nobody scares me on Kansas City's offense outside of Pat Mahomes and Travis Kelce, but the defense is good. It's a weird reality, but one we live in.
49ers-Jags is the best NFL game of the week. Buckle up.
Tier 2: The Great Outdoors tier
Is there such thing as an underrated John Candy/Dan Aykroyd movie? If so, I found it. And by the way, this is by far the best Candy-Aykroyd movie.
Blues Brothers ain't really a John Candy movie. Just not. He's not the star. He has the best line, but he's not the star.
But he is in this one, and he nails it.
The steak scene is still one of the best in any movie ever, as is the water skiing one. You know what's also underrated here? The big blowup between Candy and Aykroyd when sh*t hits the fan right towards the end. You know why? Because it's the most relatable three minutes of any movie I've ever seen. I've been on about seven family vacations since I've been married and they all end like that.
Every single one.
Jags and Lions were both off last week, so they're pretty much status quo. The Cowboys lost in typical heartbreaking fashion to Philly and Miami did the same to KC. I've realized that both those teams are pretty much the same, which makes me sad as a Dolphins fan.
Think about it ... the national shows love talking about the Cowboys and Dolphins, and they LOVE to take giant dumps on both when they both lose big games -- of which both do all the time. Sad.
Bills get a couple freebies against Denver and the Jets before a showdown with Philly, while I feel very strongly that we're not talking nearly enough about Alina Habba.
Goodness.
Tier 3: The Planes, Trains & Automobiles tier
For those of you psychos who skip Thanksgiving and go right from Halloween to Christmas, listen the hell up.
Planes, Trains and Automobiles is the Thanksgiving movie, and it deserves the proper respect. If you're gonna watch one movie before putting stupid Will Ferrell dressed in tights on your TV screen for the next two freaking months, make it this one.
And here's a little secret that's not gonna be popular ... I'm not a huge Steve Martin fan. Don't think he's funny. He's also a huge liberal, but that's not the point here.
That's how good John Candy is in this movie. He makes me love it in spite of unfunny Steve Martin. Spoiler alert ...................
Enough time? Good.
The twist at the end where it turns out his wife's been dead the whole time was stunning. So sad. Leads to such a good ending, though. Honestly, if I hadn't already made the above tier, I'd probably move this one up now that I'm thinking about it. But I'm lazy and running out of time, so it stays here.
Just watch the damn movie, OK?
Seahawks are lucky to still be here after whatever the hell that was on Sunday. Josh Dobbs is a robot. The Elves are one win away from finally being called the Browns for the first time this season, although they also just beat Clayton Tune, who may literally be the worst NFL quarterback of all time.
Chargers beat the Jets because Zach Wilson is barely better than Clayton Tune, not because they're anything great. I think even Chargers fans would agree with me there.
Amy.
Tier 4: The Home Alone tier
Here's where we really get off track, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna leave Gus Polinski off this list. Home Alone is a classic -- although I'd argue No. 2 is better -- and Candy makes his five minutes of screen time count.
Here's the most amazing part -- Candy filmed all of his lines in one day, for free, and he improvised every single one.
"None of that stuff was in the script. The funeral-parlour story, that was all improvised at 4:30 in the morning. We could barely keep a straight face on set just listening to John."
That's a direct quote from Chris Columbus himself -- the director, not the left's favorite explorer -- and it's still mindboggling to read to this day.
I mean, come on:
"They get over it -- kids are resilient like that." What a line.
It's not his flashiest work and it ain't the first thing that comes to mind when you think of John Candy, but Gus Polinski and Moira from Schitt's Creek in the back of the bus for a few scenes gets the job done every time.
The Saints are going to win the NFC South, and they may end up with one of the better records in the NFC, as dumb as that sounds. Look at this "NFL" schedule!
CJ Stroud is now being talked about in MVP discussions. Seems a bid dramatic for me, but I'm not gonna be the one to sh*t on him after throwing five tuddies.
The Falcons drafting a running back in the top-10 and then barely giving him the ball is so on-brand it hurts. The Colts are still peddling along. The Dukes deserve a damn waiver, NCAA. Seriously? THIS is where you're gonna make your big stand? What a bunch of frauds.
Tier 5: The Stripes tier
Yes, I know there will be purists who get pissed Stripes is so low, but hear me out ...
I like Stripes! I think it's funny. John Candy as Ox is excellent.
But there's been a ton of online debate for years now about whether or not it holds up. Some don't find it funny at all. Uncle Buck holds up. Great Outdoors holds up. Home Alone obviously holds up because it's on 417 times a year.
But does Stripes hold up, or has it been passed on by? That's my concern.
Mike Vrabel? Does he hold up in today's age of NFL coaches? Same with Bill Belichick. Same with Carson Wentz!
Side note: Carson Wentz is back! How about that?? Remember when he angered the wokes a few months ago because he took down a monster in the woods? Hilarious.
Thank God Vrabel named Will Levis the starter rest of season, which frankly may save his job because now he can point to the future and say he's all in for the rebuild.
The Patriots stink -- I mean, they are AWFUL -- so much so that Belichick's status is now a topic every single week.
Is he Stripes? Does he hold up after this season? Is it still funny? I don't know what to think! Seriously, look it up. The debate on Stripes is real and you will find yourselves in a wormhole if you so choose.
Zach Wilson, meanwhile, stinks. No debate there.
Tier 6: The Wagons East! tier
I mean, what else do I need to say here? This was John Candy's final movie and it was awful. It's currently holding up strong at 0% on rotten tomatoes, and it's not his fault at all. He didn't even want to be in it, but he was "contractually obligated" to do so because of some BS Hollywood red tape.
Go figure. Weird that there's red tape in Hollywood. What a cesspool.
Anyway, Candy famously had a heart attack in his sleep and died with a few final days of shooting left, and they had to use CGI and go through several re-writes at the end. It was a disaster, and a disservice to one of the greatest actors of all time.
As Mike Gundy once said while yelling he was 40, "it makes me sick."
The Raiders got the most predictable win of all time last week, as I told you they would. The Giants are so awful they're now moving forward with Tommy DeVito under center with Matt Barkley officially signed to the big league NFL squad as a backup. Nice.
Tiny Kyler is BACK this week. Justin Fields might be, too. So are the Broncos, unfortunately. Missed Russ last week.
Did you know John owned a CFL team back in the 1990s? What a dude.
Antonio Pierce:
Have a suggestion for next week’s NFL Power Rankings tiers? Email me at zach.dean@outkick.com.