Rules For A Woke Alternative To Elon Musk's Twitter

Elon Musk is reportedly nearing a deal to purchase Twitter. And because Elon Musk is the Boogeyman, this news has many verified Twitter accounts nervous and angry.

#ImLeavingTwitter and #RIPTwitter are trending as we speak. If the blue checks actually follow through with these threats, where will they go? Perhaps they will create an alternative to Twitter, like they forced the free speech advocates to do with Parler -- before Amazon sunk its database in 2021, of course.

What would such a service look like? Imagine a Twitter that doesn't value free speech. So a lot like the current Twitter, only worse.

Let's call this imaginary restricted speech platform Trigger. OutKick has come up with a list of Trigger rules that all users must follow if they wish to enjoy the service.

Confirm Vaccination Booster Status

To join, users must provide proof that they are double boosted against COVID-19. Trigger will require users to upload their vax card and a photo of the mark that the shot left on their body -- no fake vax cards will make it past the Trigger guards.

This vaccine mandate is non-negotiable.

Give Proper Gender Identification

Before users identify their self-perceived gender, Trigger requires them to watch a short 15-minute clip about each gender on the growing list. It's possible, if not likely, that many humans and those who consider themselves human-fluid misidentify themselves, and Trigger wants to avoid the harm of self-misidentification.

The video will include the following gender options that Trigger encourages people-adjacents to put in their/zeir bio:

For more information, here's a glossary on each gender type.

Submit to Groupthink

It's difficult to know when to call someone racist or anti-LGTB or a member of QAnon these days. After all, racism need not be present for an act to be deemed racist.

So to help with any confusion, Trigger will flag all top trending articles and videos which may contain misinformation. Example: "This article spreads the lie that only cisgender women can have babies."

So if you Retrigger a video of Joe Rogan, your NPC followers will know not to believe anything they see or hear on it.

Disavow Putin

Proving you hate Vladimir Putin as much as you should is a must. Attach #IStandWithUkraine to at least your first five posts. Trigger also recommends that you place the Ukrainian flag next to your name for the first month.

Stop the Spread of Disinformation

Trigger has a zero-tolerance policy for disinformation. And with the 2022 midterms on the way, it's crucial that users refrain from sharing any naughty links.

The board suggests that, out of an abundance of caution, users never share any reports about Democrats or their family members from the New York Post. The New York Times will confirm all accurate reports a year and a half later, so users need only wait until such stories are less politically relevant to Retrigger them.

Slate, Taylor Lorenz and Joy Reid's blog are all considered reliable sources and may be referenced at will.

Atone for Whiteness

Honestly, Trigger won't like you much if you have white skin. Who does?

The service won't necessarily prohibit white faces, but it does require that white voices learn their place. To prove that they are not racist, white users can try a number of tricks, including ambushing fellow white accounts, Retriggering Ibram X. Kendi's posts, and wearing a cloth mask in a profile picture to obscure some of their whiteness.

Note: Wearing a mask while Triggering is best practice, anyway.

These rules are still updating. There will be more. Trigger is an exclusive platform for the most inclusive of users.