Fictosexual Akihiko Kondo is down bad. Like many of you out there, his marriage — in this case to the fictional character hologram of Hatsune Miku — is on the rocks and things are so bad that Akihiko can no longer communicate with his wife.
However, like in a traditional marriage when the wife stops talking to the husband after he is caught sleeping with his best friend’s wife, Akihiko is in a different spot because he’s married to a holographic wife. Hatsune is a “computer-synthesized pop singer” who started dating Akihiko way back in 2008 and the courtship lasted until 2018 when Akihiko made an honest woman out of his fictional wife.
According to Japanese newspaper Mainichi, Kondo’s family didn’t show up to the wedding, but the marriage went on as Miku planned it. Life was fine as the married couple did what new couples do. There was bliss, bills didn’t cause fights, life was fine.
However, things recently got rocky when a technological roadblock prevented Akihiko, 38, from communicating with Miku. It wasn’t even that he came home at 4 a.m. smelling like a stripper and covered in glitter.
The real problem with the marriage is that a company stopped supporting the software Kondo used to communicate with Miku. Now the guy is stuck married to a fictional character that won’t talk back.
It’s pretty much Cam Newton’s dream scenario — if Miku can cook, which would make heads explode.
“My love for Miku hasn’t changed,” Kondo told a Japanese news outlet while adding that he is now a proud owner of a life-size version of his wife. “I held the wedding ceremony because I thought I could be with her forever.”
Listen, bro, you can definitely be with her forever. The good news is that she’s going to be 28 forever, which is a great thing, but this might get weird when you’re actually wanting to talk to your wife and she gives you the cold shoulder.
There’s going to come a night in your 40s when you’re both sitting there watching Wheel of Fortune in your recliners when you’ll get the urge to talk Wheel strategy with your wife. It’s a natural thing that happens during one’s life.
Here’s my suggestion: bring another fictional character into the equation to mix things up.
Sure, it’s going to be a tough subject to bring up with Miku, but it’s one that needs to be had.
You’re going to get bored with Miku if she can’t talk. Who’s going to be there to comfort you after going to the DMV where the lady behind the counter screams at you for attempting to use a credit card to pay for new tags? Who’s going to be there to remind you what to get on Costco runs? Who’s going to be there to tell you it’s not a good idea to have that 16th triple IPA at the neighborhood IPA taste testing night with the boys?
I’m telling you, Kondo, bring in a third wheel and mix it up.
Remember, it’s a fictosexual relationship. You literally cannot hurt Miku’s feelings here, brother. I promise. Take a risk.