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There was a time in my life when sports gambling dominated my interests. I was fresh out of college, my first job was ending abruptly because of the recession, and I wasn’t sure where to turn. An acquaintance of mine at the time offered me a few bucks on the side to help him collect gambling debts around town. He was a local bookie with a hundred or so players; mostly degenerates and losers, but nobody dangerous. That small-time hustle lasted a few months, but soon opened the next door, and then the next. Five years later, I was so accustomed to cash in my hand that I could close my eyes and tell you how much money I was holding within a few bucks. It was a life of easy money, and I was damn good at it.
So many talking heads online want you to follow their picks and listen to their bullshit advice. You have a better chance making money on OnlyFans with your clothes on than listening to these losers. Let me tell you something real: tout services are mostly laughed at behind closed doors. The real professionals in this industry are either holding the money behind the counter or setting the lines with their action. A minuscule fraction of those elite players think their time is worth building an online persona, marketing a company, and dealing with shortsighted crybabies who expect to hit nine out of ten games. Of course there are exceptions, but even if you find a truly reputable tout, chances are slim that you have the discipline to stick to your units.
I used to tell guys that gambling is an entertainment expense, no different than taking your girl out for dinner and a movie and hoping you get laid afterwards. Sometimes it turns out great, sometimes it doesn’t, but it should still be fun nonetheless. If you want to turn it into an investment, then you have to surround yourself with people and information that give you an edge, and exploit that edge as often as possible. Because of the juice and the nature of casino games, the odds are already slightly in the house’s favor. Relinquish even an extra inch, and you may end up on OnlyFans after all, only this time without your shirt.
For my own personal reasons, I’m not plugged into that life anymore, which is why I don’t offer much gambling content on OutKick. It’s a choice more than a lack of knowledge or perspective. Truthfully, I’m sick of the hype and hyperbole; this world needs more honesty and fewer bloggers. This isn’t to say I disavow any of it, though. Gambling will always be my favorite form of entertainment, and I’m absolutely thrilled that companies like FanDuel are offering consenting adults an amazing experience. If you, the customer, can gain a small competitive edge, too, then even better. That’s all I’m offering—old bull wisdom. Walking down the hill instead of running. I will never promise to get you laid, but I certainly know the best movies to get her in the mood. Maybe I’ll even teach you to cook, too. What you do from there is your own business.
So like a prairie dog I’ve decided to poke my head up and give you a free nugget of wisdom: if you’re looking for an edge, bet the Olympics. Why? Because except for the small handfuls of people who eat, sleep, and breathe independent sports, nobody has any clue what will happen. If you’re trying to beat the NFL, you are trying to beat dozens of Vegas geniuses all staring at the same spreadsheets, as well as all of the Vegas sharps who have already milked the value out of the line. It’s like buying your girl Taco Bell and taking her to see whatever steamer The Rock currently has in theaters—it may work out for you at the end of the night, but you better be pretty f*cking charming.
Go play track and field, instead. Go research some swimming stats or some volleyball trends. You have a much better chance at discovering or exploiting discrepancies in sports that don’t draw the resources or line movements as football or basketball do. Plus, because many casual players will stay away out of fear, gambling books like FanDuel will offer special promotions to boost involvement. Remember what we’ve been ‘touting’ this entire column: don’t be a dumbass chasing clout. Find your edge and exploit it; giveaways like this are pure customer edges that rarely come around in traditional sportsbooks.
Right now, all players can opt-in for a fun ‘USA Gold Medal Count,’ which automatically pays you one dollar for every gold that team USA wins across all sports. And if you’re a new user, you can add an additional promo that pays you a guaranteed $100 for a $10 bet, or $200 for a $20 bet, win or lose. It’s pure icing on the cake, like scoring a nice boob graze on the way to dinner or a neck scratch in the theater. Every little win counts, in both the casino and in your pants, so don’t let these free victories pass you by.
As the Olympic games ramp up, we’ll revisit some potential matchups and see if we can score a few bones in these dog days of summer. As OutKick continues to grow, I’m sure we’ll bring sharper and sharper gambling writers into the fold to help you manage your bankroll, and I can’t wait to see what they produce. In the meantime, I promise to sit quietly in the back of the sportsbook with a cigar, a newspaper, and two fingers of good bourbon, always willing to help but never trying to jerk you off. Hopefully, with a little practice and patience, that part will take care of itself.
Homework: take a look at the Olympic lines, and tell your girl to pick out a dress for the weekend. We’re going dancing, vertical and horizontal. Click the promotional image below to get started.