Trump's Tariffs Have Already Made Our Kids Less Fat And Lazy

Great news on this first Saturday of April … Donald Trump's tariffs have already made America's youth less fat and lazy! 

This is MAHA meets MAGA, baby! What a collab. What a way to start the weekend. 

For those who missed it – and that's none of you, because the media won't stop talking about it – Trump tariffed the crap out of every single country on God's green earth this week. 

He was the Oprah Winfrey of Tariffs, if you will. 

You get a tariff! You get a tariff! You get one, you get one, and you get one! 

Stocks plummeted, Wall Street is in shambles, and the Libs see RED. They smell blood in the water. This is their big moment. It won't last, of course, but they think it will. We'll see. 

Anyway, Trump's new taxes have already caused a major delay in … the Nintendo Switch. That's right. Actually, to be factual, it's the Nintendo Switch 2, whatever that is. 

The kiddos in this country won't be able to sit on their asses this summer and play video games. 

Instead, they'll have to get outside and face the music. 

MAHA!

Let's get healthy again!

Let's go!!!! No more Nintendo Switches in the US of A! It's almost summertime, boys and girls. 

Get your asses outside and start playing ball. Climb trees. Piss off the neighbors. Be like my generation and go vandalize some construction sites if you want. Do it respectfully, though. Have class. 

We're getting back in shape this summer. I was a fat kid growing up. The doctor liked to use fancy words like "husky," but I knew. I was fat, not stupid. 

And that's because I played MVP 2005 for hours on end. Great game, no doubt, but it made me a lazy slob. 

You know when I finally got in shape, other than travel baseball and Copenhagen? When I worked as a cabana boy one summer in Nantucket. Can't hide money! I biked to work every day, catered to the 1 percent for 10 hours, and then went home. Rinse, wash, repeat. Not a video game in site. 

See? I knew these tariffs would pan out! We've already fixed our youth. Now, let's get those interest rates slashed. One step at a time. 

Before you know it, we'll be BACK like you wouldn't believe. 

Let's go have a big weekend.