Taylor Swift’s New Album, Cricket’s OnlyFans Ban, And Lauren Sanchez As A Bond Girl?
All the news you need to know from the week that was.
It’s Saturday — and better yet, it's the last Saturday without college football for quite some time — so let’s get you up to speed on anything you may have missed this week with a little help from The Punch-Up!
What a week, folks…
Taylor Swift broke the internet and YouTube by announcing a new album, Cricket made it clear where it stands on players advertising their OnlyFans pages, and there’s a chance Lauren Sanchez Bezos could be one of the next Bond girls.
So, what do you say?
Grab some coffee, and let’s dig right in!
Jeff Bezos reportedly wants his wife, Lauren Sanchez Bezos, to be a Bond Girl now that Amazon owns the franchise. "If you need a villain to kidnap and stare at her, I’m game," said Mark Zuckerberg.
Singer Jelly Roll confirmed that he has dropped 200 pounds and is hoping to lose 50 more. In light of this news, he’s officially changing his name to Celery Stick.
Michael Phelps is calling out USA Swimming, claiming that the program is declining, and even saying he’s not sure he’d want his sons taking up the sport. He added that he’d prefer they take up a sport that will get them more chicks.
A viral infection is causing rabbits to sprout horn-like growths on their heads. Rabbits are known to reproduce a lot, but this is still an unprecedented level of horniness.
In a recent speech, President Trump pledged to redo Washington, DC’s parks by supplying them with the "finest grasses." In light of that statement, the President has seen a surge in popularity among potheads who misunderstood what he was talking about.
A woman in California lost an arm after a tree fell on her while she was playing mini golf with her family. A terrible story, and to make matters worse, it took her three strokes to get through the windmill.
AOL is ending its dial-up internet service. On a related note, Western Union has done away with its telegraph system.
The WNBA has reportedly blocked plans to relocate the Connecticut Sun to Boston. It’s a shame because a bunch of Bostonians were looking forward to throwing sex toys on the court.
Got all of that?
Great. See you back here next week.