Now That Kermit The Frog Is A Commencement Speaker, Here Are The Next Muppets Who Need To Take The Podium

This week, Kermit the Frog — he of Muppets fame — is scheduled to break the commencement speech felt barrier and become the first muppet to deliver a commencement speech at a university, college, community college, or even barber college.

…actually, I looked it up and Kermit did another commencement back in like 1996 at Southampton College, but still…

Kermit is slated to give the commencement address at the University of Maryland's graduation ceremony on Thursday night (it was originally supposed to be on Wednesday but was pushed back one night due to weather).

Why Kermit? Why Maryland? Why anything?

Well, that's because Muppets creator Jim Henson went to Maryland, so it does make a good bit of sense, plus, the Muppets are currently celebrating their 70th anniversary.

And it's only fitting that the ping-pong ball-eyed amphibian who can bring grown men to tears by sitting on a log in the middle of a swamp, strumming a bajoy, and belting out "Rainbow Connection" is the first to throw on a mortarboard and make students believe for a few more minutes that their newly acquired degrees in dance and photography are worth more than Kirkland brand toilet paper, seeing as he's the ace in the Muppet rotation.

But some quality arms are waiting in the bullpen, so let's run through a few muppets who should start getting measured for a cap and gown now, since they're sure to be in demand next graduation season.

Just a heads up to a university that books Fozzie Bear for a commencement address: there will be props. (Photo by John E. Barrett/The Muppets Studio/Disney General Entertainment Content via Getty Images)

Fozzie Bear

Talk about being built for a commencement speech.

Fozzie has jokes, Fozzie has bits, hell, Fozzie even has props if someone is willing to carry his trunk onstage for him.

Hey, any school that brings in Fozzie will not send their graduates out the door with any meaningful advice, but they will leave with laughs.

The faces you see before two puppets start telling you why your graduation ceremony sucks.  (Photo by Evening Standard/Getty Images)

Statler & Waldorf

While we're on the topic of comedy, why not let The Muppet Show's resident geriatric critics hit the podium (or is it a lecture? I get those mixed up) to roast the school, the faculty, the students, and anyone who gets up to pee during their set.

Again, I'm not sure that there will be much in the way of inspiration or life advice, but two felt bros just dishing out Borsht Belt-style insults sounds like my kind of graduation ceremony.

If you're looking for a grooooovy speech, maaaaaaaan, look no further than Janice. (Photo by Nicole Wilder/Disney General Entertainment Content via Getty Images) 

Janice (The Guitarist From Dr. Teeth And The Electric Mayhem)

Now, we are good on gender studies majors, because, well… they're kind of asking for it, but I think a great speaker would be Janice, the hippie guitar player from The Muppet Show house band Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.

Think about it: she's a woman in a male-dominated industry, and that is usually enough to be commencement speaker-worthy even if you're not made of supplies from Michaels Arts + Crafts.

Maybe she could play a few numbers… or not. The last thing anyone wants to do is get stuck in a graduation ceremony any longer than you need to.

Miss Piggy (left) with actor and comedy legend Bob Hope and the equally legendary Kermit the Frog. (Photo by TV Times via Getty Images)

Miss Piggy

I'm honestly surprised that at least to my knowledge, Miss Piggy has not yet given a commencement address.

There may be a reason for that. I always feel like commencement addresses should be about the students. Sure, the speaker tells personal anecdotes, but they're for the good of the graduates.

Miss Piggy? She's all about "Moi!" which means expect to see her speaking at an Ivy League school next year.

He's not leaving the stage until everyone starts chanting "USA! USA!" with him. (Photo by Andrea McCallin/Disney General Entertainment Content via Getty Images) 

Sam Eagle

All I'm going to say is that if you see Sam Eagle listed as the commencement speaker, go take a leak because you're going to be sitting in that D-II basketball gymnasium for a while.

Sam Eagle is very patriotic, but man, the guy is windy. His speech would want to acknowledge the historical moments in America that led up to the graduation ceremony. That's all well and good if he was like, "Revolutionary War, Civil War, World War II, Moon Landing," but we all know that he'd start at the Mayflower and after two hours, he'd still only be at the Whiskey Rebellion.

Meep. (Photo by Andrea McCallin/Disney General Entertainment Content via Getty Images)

Beaker

Meep.

It's like the word "smurf," but instead of being a replacement for most things, it's a replacement for everything.

Only two speak this language, Beaker and the Roadrunner, but it's universal.

Can you imagine an auditorium moved to tears after a motivational speech that went a little something like this?:

"Meep meep, meeeeeeeep. Meep meep. Meep? Meep meep meep!"

I'm telling you, not a dry eye in the house.

Herdy, flerdy, kerkin with Jenny McCarthey on <i>Der View</i> fer sum reason. (Photo by Lou Rocco/Disney General Entertainment Content via Getty Images)

Swedish Chef

He'd be ideal for culinary schools, I suppose, but I feel like everyone can learn a thing or two from a Swedish immigrant with bushy facial hair and semi-creepy human hands who chased his culinary dreams to American shores.

"Herdy flerdy, wearin' der hat and makin' der speech."

Actually, you know what? A couple of people might ask for their tuition money back after that one.