My Skunk Removal Expedition Went As Poorly As You'd Expect

This wasn’t how my mom wanted her birthday to start. 

There she was, doing her morning routine and thinking of the things she’d want to do on her birthday: getting tan at the beach, getting pizza and ice cream for dinner, etc.

Helping her son get rid of skunk scent that got all over him was not on her shortlist of pleasurable activities, for obvious reasons. But that's exactly what I got her to start her birthday.

I'm never gonna live this one down.

How and when did this happen? Trust me, I’ll tell you every detail of this stinky saga, and the ridiculous extent I needed to go to get the odor out of me. 

Sunday - The Setup

There was a female turtle who has laid seven nests of eggs on the edge of my property, but not a single egg has hatched. I’m guessing you can tell who is to blame for that. 

Skunks aren’t just harmless little critters that only eat berries and plants. These striped spraying pains in the butt will eat meat such as chickens, frogs - and turtle eggs. 

Because I’m not a heartless jerk, I decided to intervene to save the turtles and get rid of this predator. 

I set out a trap on Sunday night, with a small can of cat food and a few small marshmallows as the bait. I waited for the next morning and…

Got nothing. 

Frick. 

These animals may look cute, but don't get on their bad side. If you do, you'll regret it. (Getty Images)

Thankfully, my set-up worked on Monday night and this spawn of Satan was caught. Catching a predator who feasts on baby turtles with no respect for their lives makes you feel like Batman after defeating The Joker. 

But that’s also where the fun ended. Now, I had a skunk on my hands that needed to go bye-bye. 

Thus, my troubles began. 

Tuesday - The (Attempted) Release

Getting close to a skunk without spooking it is easier said than done, so I threw an old sheet on top of it. 

Once I got it to the drop off site, I opened the cage for it to go away. But the thing didn’t want to move, probably because it was in the afternoon, which is when they are usually asleep (they’re nocturnal). So I left the door open and came back a few hours later. Maybe some space from the tall strange creature who carried it far from home was what it needed to feel comfortable.

Read: Tourist Gored At Yellowstone National Park After Getting Too Close To Bison

When I came back, I was peeved to see that the trap door had shut on its own. So I opened the door, left again, only to come back and find that the door was still shut. 

When I approached it the second time to open the cage, it raised its tail, a classic sign that it was about to spray. It was dark, and there was no way I could handle getting sprayed at night. I care about treating animals humanely, but I also have boundaries. 

I went to bed knowing that after two days in the cage, I needed to end its suffering put it down. 

Wednesday - The Scent Problem 

A friend from my church told me if I shot it, it was going to spray no matter what. But he also leant me his .22 rifle because he also knew there was no other way to handle this mess. 

At about 7 am, I fired four rounds at the skunk to make sure it was dead. It sure as heck was dead, but with each shot it fired a plume of sulfuric gas that would have set your nose hairs on fire. 

I didn't get hit directly, but it didn't matter. That cloud of invisible gas could be smelled for a country mile.

That’s where my problems began. 

The scent got everywhere: my clothes, my truck. Don’t even get me started on how bad the trap smelled. 

So I did what any son in a pickle would have done: call his ace in the hole. Or, in this case, my mom.

Despite the fact that it was her birthday, she acted like a saint and bailed me out. 

"Well, he called about (7:05) in the morning. In my head I was like bro, really? This is how my birthday is going to begin?  But then I realized that I have lived this role for 25 years of being a mom and, regardless of how old my kids are, I will always be needed. When I put it into that perspective, it didn't matter what day of the year was, just that my boy needed some help and that I was going to help him just like I would on any other day - awful skunk smell and all," she said.

Yeah, I have the best mom ever. 

She gave me a concoction of hydrogen peroxide, baking soda, and dish soap, which got the smell out. As a precaution, I also buzzed my head completely. 

Let’s just say I’m no Bruce Willis with a bald scalp, but I didn’t look too bad either. 

Four and a half hours later, I had gotten about 95 percent of the smell out. It’s lingering a bit on my truck (the outside, thankfully), but the lions' share of this disgusting all-natural human repellent is gone. 

Now I’m hoping to avoid ever seeing a skunk again. And while I love turtles, they might have to find another savior to deliver them from the clutches of that monster. 

Because that whole adventure stunk - big time. 

Now I have to get my mom an AMAZING birthday present, because she definitely deserves it.