Kelly Stafford's Legs Rock LA, Trump's Post-Assassination Attempt Putt Has America Talking & Saban Hates Texas
Whew. Where do I even begin?
I'm 31. That means I don't have a ton of where were you moments in my life. Really, I have just one – 9/11. I was in third grade, watching on one of them TVs the teacher had to roll in and put in front of the class.
The big fatback TVs. Those were great, by the way. Simpler time.
But that's it. I wasn't alive (duh) for the JFK shot, or the Reagan attempt. Lord knows none of us were when Lincoln was killed.
So, for me, sitting in a class – and then being pulled out of class – on Sept. 11 is it in terms of the holy shit moments in my life. The ones I remember, even though I was 8. How many moments do any of us remember from when we were 8? None, right? This is pretty much it for me.
But, obviously, that changed Saturday night. No, I wasn't watching Donald Trump's rally live. Sorry. I gave my toddler a choice between that and the Bernstein Bears. She chose the ladder. Shocking.
So, I found out about it while scrolling Twitter a few minutes later. I spent the next five hours – on a Saturday night!!! – watching Fox News. Just glued to the colored TV.
A flat screen this time, sadly.
Anyway, I don't want to spend too much time on it today. This ain't the class for it. But it obviously needed to be addressed. We live in a different America than we did 72 hours ago, and, somehow, it's worse. Didn't think it was possible, but here we are.
What happened Saturday night in Pennsylvania was disgusting. The nonsense that's happened since on social media and with certain factions of the media in this country has been just as pathetic.
I'm looking at you, CNN. And USA Today. And The Denver Post. And the New York Times. And the Boston Globe. I could go on and on – and I will, briefly, here in a second – but we need to act right, as my late grandfather would say, and act right quickly.
We're better than this. We have to be.
Now, let's go get a damn snack with Rex Ryan and get this class going.
Jason Aldean, the Bananas & is this Trump golf story real or nah?
It's obviously not a normal day around here, so class is gonna be a bit of a mess. Might as well embrace it, right? On that note, let's start in reverse with a rapid-fire portion at the top and go from there.
Sound like a plan? Good. Let's get it. Welcome to a very strange Monday Nightcaps.
First off … again, the media's reaction to what happened Saturday night was all over the map. There was plenty of good. Well, not plenty, but there was some good.
But buddy, there was just a ton of bad:
That last one deserves a Pulitzer. Solid work out of our friends in India.
Look, I worked in the newspaper industry for the first six years out of college. I know about the layoffs and the staff reductions (their fancy word for layoffs) and how it all works when you're on deadline. The days of late deadlines ended long ago. I get it.
But I also know this – if they had time to get the Trump picture on the front of their paper and write a headline about the shooting, they had time to think about it. Because those images and the news of what happened didn't start to trickle out until at least an hour later.
And most of them decided to go with something along the lines of … "Gunman dies in attack." Embarrassing. It's not possible to hate them enough. Again, it's disgusting.
OK, I'm done talking about them. I left that industry for a reason, and it's pretty clear why. Let's get to the better things to come out of Saturday night, starting with Jason Aldean:
My guy! Welcome back to class, Jason! Now, did it … sort of happen in a small town? Yes. That part makes this a bit awkward, but I appreciate the sentiment. Nice job.
Next? Savannah Bananas knew the assignment and nailed it:
America's team! And in woke DC no less. Love the Savannah Bananas. What a damn story. They're the modern day Globetrotters and it's beautiful. Would be cool if other leagues followed suit. I know, that's asking a lot in 2024.
Finally … this story went just insanely viral all day yesterday. I have no idea if it's true. I sort of doubt it is. But, it's also Trump, so it could be very true at the same time.
We're an open-discussion class, so y'all make the call:
Back to our regular programming with Kelly Stafford
See? It's … probably … not true. But, I mean, if anyone can pull that off, it's Donald J. Trump. Great handicap too, I hear!
Whose to say he didn't sink a 20-footer and then pump out the greatest shit-talk of all time? I ain't putting it past him. Someone put it on a shirt, STAT! Would be the golf shirt of the summer.
OK, I reckon we'll hear plenty more from the former (future?) president as the week goes on, so let's get back on track on this third Monday of July before the bell rings and we miss out on Kelly Stafford's wild date night uniform choice:
Solid moment out of the Alec Baldwin trial this weekend and Nick Saban is so back
Wild choice here from Nightcaps OG Kelly Stafford, but they don't call her a pistol for nothing! Love it. More of this energy from the NFL WAGs this season.
Come on, ladies. We don't want another year of Taylor Swift. We can't do it. We need some new faces and new energy. Kelly's setting the tone right now in July. Time to get on board or get the hell outta the way.
OK, two more before we head off into a big week. And by that, I mean NFL teams start to report in two days. Two days.
Two. Damn. Days.
Between that and CFB 25 releasing at literally the same time this award-winning column goes live – surely great for pageviews!!! – I think it's safe to say we're on the road to recovery. Let's build on the momentum.
First up? Alec Baldwin is a cocksucker!
Unreal twist right there. Didn't see it coming! You think you really know someone, and then they go off and call you a cocksucker behind your back.
You can't trust anyone nowadays.
Finally, let's check in with Nick Saban and get his thoughts on the new-look SEC this season:
Hooters Cassidy is ready for the Home Run Derby
I can't believe we get unfiltered Nick Saban for the next five months every single Saturday. What a treat. What a joy.
Welcome to the big leagues, Texas. Saddle up!
OK, that's it for today. Bit of a loaded class, I know, so we're gonna end with Hooters Cassidy getting everyone fired up for tonight's Home Run Derby, which features maybe the worst field in the history of time.
Seriously, go take a look. It's awful.
Enjoy!
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
You believe the Trump golf story? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.