Jessica Simpson Drinks Snake Sperm, Hoops, Bad Tattoos & Megan Fox's ‘Celestial Seed’

I killed a bird today.

Not on purpose, of course. I was running behind for 6:30 a.m. Pilates — maybe going a little too fast — and a robin flew right in front of my car, kamikaze style. I didn't have even a split second to react. I just Randy Johnson'd the little guy into oblivion.

Despite the tiny thud I heard, I told myself, maybe he miraculously made it out alive. But the feathers sticking out of the grill of my Terrain Denali suggested otherwise.

I felt horrible about it, I really did. I couldn't stop thinking about that damn bird throughout my entire Pilates class, and I found myself hoping it wasn't some sort of bad omen for the day to come. Some cruel April Fool's Day joke that isn't a joke at all.

Speaking of April Fool's Day, I trust you all remember not to believe a single thing you read on the Internet today. Except for what I tell you — because I would never lead you astray. And I really did hit that bird.

So pour one out for the not-so-Rockin' Robin, and let's get rolling. It's Nightcaps time!

Jessica Simpson Drinks What, Now?

I'll save you the suspense. Snake sperm. She drinks snake sperm.

In a video posted to her Instagram and TikTok, the pop singer (and former Daisy Duke) shared an herbal concoction she'd been drinking at the recommendation of her vocal coach.

"They're like, 'What are you drinking?' Because it's this Chinese herb thing," she said. "And I'm like, 'I don't know.' My vocal coach told me to drink it."

She later found out this mysterious Chinese herb was actually snake jizz. How they extract it, I don't know. And I don't think I want to. She said it's like drinking tea and the snake sperm is a sweetener, like honey.

Almost a year ago, Big-J Joe Kinsey reported on a trend where women were injecting salmon sperm into their vaginas to increase their sex drive. And now we know salmon sperm apparently makes you sing like an angel.

I can't wait for the next PETA PSA warning people to stop exploiting animals for the miraculous powers of their respective ejaculates.

OK, before we go totally off the rails, let me bring it back to Miss Simpson. This whole I have no idea what's in this bottle I'm drinking thing brings back memories of one of the singer's most iconic moments: when she wasn't sure if her can of tuna contained chicken or fish.

This was in 2003 — 22 years ago. In case you need to feel old today.

Ed Sheeran Shares His Morning Routine

Move over, Ashton Hall. Ed Sheeran is the new king of mornings! 

The English singer-songwriter hopped on TikTok on Sunday to share his own ridiculous version of the viral "morning routine" — complete with Saratoga bottled water.

I can't believe there was no snake sperm involved.

I know Ed is just goofing, but somewhere out there, there's an online influencer "health coach" working on her own video to explain why shoving orange slices up your nose and brushing your teeth with hot sauce can boost your immune system.

Also, maybe I am just out of the loop on this one, but I had no idea Ed Sheeran was so tatted! They're all so random, too.

Whenever I see someone with bad tattoos with no rhyme or reason (no offense, Ed), I remember this meme I once saw that said "Adam Levine looks like he walked into a tattoo parlor and just said, ‘GIVE ME TATTOOS.’"

It's true. And while we're at it, Post Malone looks like a Doodle Bear.

Man, what a throwback!

What Machine Gun Kelly & Megan Fox Did NOT Name Their Baby

I guess we can't talk about overly tatted celebrities without mentioning Machine Gun Kelly.

FUN FACT: His real name is Colson Baker. He's not a "Kelly" at all! I feel like everything is a lie now. What next? You're going to tell me he doesn't even own a machine gun?!

While we're on the subject of names, though, MGK would like to clear up some confusion about the name of the newborn daughter he shares with ex-fiancée Megan Fox.

It all started when he posted a video on Instagram of his hand (at least I assume that's his hand, anyway, or else Megan needs a manicure) holding hands with the new baby girl.

"she’s finally here!!" he wrote. "our little celestial seed"

Fans went wild in the comments, thinking the child's actual name was "Celestial Seed."

On one hand, that's a pretty stupid assumption. On the other hand, celebrities give their kids asinine names all the time, so I guess it's not all that implausible.

I wonder what last name the kid would use? Celestial Seed Fox? Celestial Seed Kelly? Celestial Seed Baker? Machine Gun Seed?

It doesn't matter — because I'm happy to inform you that the sweet baby girl is NOT named Celestial Seed. MGK hopped on his Instagram story on Monday to clear that one up for us.

(Instagram: @machinegunkelly)

Megan Fox is going to tell us the child's name when she's good and ready. And given her history, she's probably just waiting for the infant child to decide if it wants to identify as a boy, a girl, a cat or a bicycle, I don't know.

If you 're confused, and you don't feel like Googling, Megan has three kids (not counting Seed) who are all either transgender or nonbinary. It's always the smokin' hot ones who are bat-sh*t crazy.

We Had A Good Run, Vols.

Tyler B. Writes: Amber, your Vols… WOOF. I hope you didn't book a ticket to San Antonio like Clay did.

Fortunately, I did not. Clay might be slightly more optimistic than I am. He also has the budget for Final Four tickets, which might actually be the difference here.

Regardless, Sunday was, as Tyler put it, WOOF. I am pretty accustomed to being disappointed by my alma mater (peep my OutKick bio), but that doesn't mean it stings any less when it happens. I do maintain, though, that I'd rather lose in a blowout than lose on a heartbreaking, last-second buzzer beater. At least I accepted our fate early on.

Anyway, we're on to baseball season.

Dogs Are So Good

• Today is a rough day for me — and not just because I somehow managed to murder an innocent bird before I even finished my first cup of coffee. Today, my sweet soul dog Lucy would have been 16 years old. (Well, today is her estimated birthday, anyway. I rescued her at eight weeks old, so we had to take a guess on the day.) When we got Lucy's cancer diagnosis back in October, I prayed she'd make it to her Sweet 16 —one more celebration for her last trip around the sun. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. I lost Lucy in January, and I've missed her every minute since. Today, especially, is hitting me hard. If you have a dog at home, please give him or her the biggest squeeze and an extra treat today in honor of my girl.
• As for my very much alive dog, Rocky, my husband and I took him on his first trip to the range on Saturday. I'm very happy to report he isn't spooked at all by gunshots. We are still working on his ability to decipher when it's appropriate to ask for belly rubs and when it's not. He is a tremendous goofball.

• Jeff M. Writes: Your comment on your dog reminded me of the scene from the beginning of Days of Thunder where Tim is trying to convince Harry to teach Cole how to drive a stock car. Harry points to his dog and says, and I'm paraphrasing, that's the best coon dog I've ever heard of, and I didn't teach him a damn thing. That's been my experience with dogs. They either have it, or they don't. I've had rage monsters (Jack Russell), lovable idiots (yellow lab), and dogs that are smarter than your average human (catahoula).  No amount of training helps the duds, and we barely taught the 'houla anything. She just figured shit out on her own. Sounds like you have a good one there, enjoy him. Also like the shelter dog shout-out. All our dogs are rescues and most off the special needs list (3-legged rat terrier, deaf Jack Russell, numerous senior dogs that needed a warm place to rest their bones their last couple years, etc.). It floors me people spend so much money going to a breeder when so many dogs are waiting on a home. 
• Shoutout to John Rich for having the dog-friendliest bar on Broadway.

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OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.

Follow me on X / Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.