Jennifer Aniston's Steamy Water Ad Has America Thirsty, Cracker Barrel Starts To Backpedal & Racist Browns!
Also, Trump vs. the fat governor of Illinois!
Oh buddy, we're here. The final full week of summer. There was talk about "summer still having one more month to go" on the OutKick morning call today.
Bologna. Not on my watch. This is it, boys and girls. Memorial Day through Labor Day. We've got seven days left, and then all eyes turn to Mr. Fall.
Better yet, we've got just three days left until all eyes turn to Mr. Week 1 of College Football. Let's have ourselves a damn WEEK!
Welcome to a Monday Nightcaps – the one where Jennifer Aniston douses herself in some Smart Water, and shows Cracker Barrel how to properly market something.
What else? I've got the best of the rest from a big weekend of #content, Cracker Barrel posted a bunch of hogwash on their social media accounts this morning, Olivia Dunne invaded the US Open, and are the Cleveland Browns racist?
More at 11!
Grab you a tiny violin for the Sanders Boys, and settle in for a Monday 'Cap!
It's Week 1, let's act like it
The appetizer is out of the way, and it was just that. Was the Dublin game great? Lord no. The first half was brutal. Frankly, it's why any sort of rankings before October are sort of silly. Did those look like two top-25 teams? Come on.
We did get some SOLID #content after the final whistle, though:
Hell yes! This is how America sets the tone for college football season. Love the fire out of Mr. Johnson in Dublin. Rosie O'Donnell was probably DISGUSTED to see us God-fearin' Americans invade her turf. Sad!
As for this weekend's slate … I mean, my goodness. It's here. It's perfect:
What a weekend of #content!
It's beautiful. Look at the schedule. Look at that lineup. I had ChatGPT draw it up for me. Thanks, robots!
My God. Between that and my fantasy draft on Saturday, I think we're in for a special few days.
Honestly? I think I'm most excited for the UNC game on Monday. I need to see Bill back on the sidelines. It's been too long.
I don't know what I'm rooting for most – for UNC to be really good, or really awful? The #content will flow either way, but I think I need to see a pissed-off Bill Belichick forced to navigate Gen-Z college kids making a shit-ton of money.
JordOn's ready, though, and that's all that really matters. She bats leadoff today!
Cracker Barrel, Jenn Ann & ENOUGH with the fake Sanders outrage!
Big weekend! Just an appetizer, though. Main course is in the oven right now. The timer goes off around 8 a.m. on Saturday. Smells good already!
Couple thoughts …
1. Welcome back to class, Marshall volleyballer, Kayla Simmons! Been a while. Good to see you're doing well.
2. I'm all in on Rocky Mountain College WR Indiana Jones. All in.
3. The Friday Night Lights theme song? One of the most underrated TV themes in the history of time. I'd put it right up there with Cheers, Friends and Family Matters. How about THAT for a hot take on this final Monday of August?
4. New Kentucky QB Zach Calzada will turn 25 this season. He's two years older than Jayden Daniels, CJ Stroud and Caleb Williams.
5. Trump vs. the fat Governor of Illinois is an all-time mismatch. You can't be that fat and try to go head-to-head with Trump. You've already lost. Way too much ammo there. It's like when Rosie takes him on. No shot.
OK, let's rapid-fire this Monday class into a big Monday night. First up? Let's check in with the Cracker Barrel!
That's a lot of words without saying "We're sorry, we take it back." Not gonna fly, Cracker Barrel! Sorry!
Look, I think we're getting a little close to the point of going too far with the Cracker Barrel stuff. I'm just being honest. I get it, but I don't want this to turn into a Bud Light thing. That was different. That was mocking women. This is a logo change.
They aren't the same … yet. I hope they don't ever become the same. Let's see how this plays out. They've at least acknowledged it, right? Bud Light, to my recollection, never even acknowledged it. Sure, that's a BS PR statement, but it's better than nothing, right?
I still contend the new design ain't ever seeing the light of day. I'll believe it when I see it.
Perhaps Cracker Barrel's best course of action here is to hope this all dies down, keep their heads low, start GRINDING their tails off in the kitchen, and just … never actually implement the new logo? Just Costanza the whole thing. Act like it never happened, and hope to God nobody notices.
Or, you know, hire a hot girl and put her in something low-cut. That could work, too.
Exhibit A!
Yeah, you know what? Scratch my plan. Hire someone hot and just let her fix everything. We're nothing if not predictable in this country.
Good to see Smart Water is run by someone with a brain! More Jennifer Aniston, less woke CEOs in black-rimmed glasses!
Finally … let's go ahead and end the day with the VERY RACIST NFL:
It's just incredible. Not shocking. But incredible. There are actual people out there who think the Browns and the NFL have some sort of vendetta against the Sanders Brothers. Some call it racism. Others say it's because both are headaches.
Here's a novel concept … and I'm just spit-balling here, so take everything I say with a grain of salt:
Maybe neither are very good? Ever think of that? There's a reason Shedeur fell to the fifth round. There's a reason Shilo was undrafted. Y'all ever think they're just … not NFL talents? Did that cross RGIII's stupid little race-baiting mind?
Of course not! His first thought? KEVIN STEFANSKI IS RACIST! And how about the outrage over Shilo getting tossed from a preseason game?
Hey, dummies – he PUNCHED SOMEONE! What exactly did we expect to happen? I mean, my God. What world am I living in here?
Shedeur will play football this year. I promise. Joe Flacco ain't starting for the Cleveland Browns all season. It's just not happening. And if the Browns cut him (would be amazing just for the reaction), he'll go somewhere else and get a shot. Sure, it may be the CFL, but he'll get a shot.
But that fake-outrage over Shedeur Sanders getting BENCHED when he was 3 for 6 and took a half-dozen sacks? Come on.
Maybe he's just not very good? Maybe he was propped up because he played against Big-12 defenses for two straight seasons? Watch one drive of a Colorado game last year, and you'll see that he holds onto the ball for 15 seconds on each snap. That doesn't work in the NFL.
Anyone who isn't an idiot can see it. People like RGIII and Skip Bayless immediately huff and puff and cry foul.
Again, they're incredible. And they make this job so easy.
See you Wednesday.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
You think the Browns are racist? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.