JD Vance Serves America A Dose Of Reality For Thanksgiving With A Piping Hot Take

Today is THE DAY. The big day. The one we've had circled on the calendar for months now. The one where we eat, drink, and watch football. 

Sure, that's every Saturday and Sunday for me from Sept. through Jan., but whatever. We're doing it on a Thursday today, and we don't have to work! Well, most of us. I'm working right now, clearly. #NoDaysOff. 

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving. Big day. Turkeys around this country are, quite literally, cooked. PETA is in shambles. Your liberal aunt is furious. She doesn't know why, but she is. She's probably wearing a mask to dinner. Don't let her enter without taking it off. Trust me. 

Before we get down to business, let's go ahead and check in with our great vice president, JD Vance, who fired up the troops late Wednesdays by giving them a Thanksgiving pep talk for the ages. 

And by that, I mean he shit on turkey and said it was disgusting poverty food:

JD Vance is right about turkey

He's right, by the way. Someone had to say it, and JD Vance was always gonna be that guy. You have to earn the public's trust ahead of 2028, and this is a good way to do it. Trim the fat. Cut to the chase. Rip off the band-aid. 

Turkey stinks. Nobody, in the history of time, has said, ‘Man, I could really go for some turkey today.’ It's just never, ever been said. 

It's dry. No matter what you do, it will be dry. I pride myself on my turkey. Every year, it's my Super Bowl. But, it's inevitably going to be dry today. Not everywhere, but somewhere. Every time. 

In the pantheon of meats, it's also just so far down the list, it's not even funny. Red meat is better. Chicken is better. Fish is better. Pork is better. It's a distant fifth. 

How many menus and restaurants just randomly carry turkey? None. Maybe Cracker Barrel, and that's fair. Golden Corral? The four Bob Evans' that still exist? It's just not a lot. And there's a reason for that. 

But, as our future president said, turkey is delicious today. For some reason, it's excellent TODAY. And, really, tomorrow. Frankly, it's actually better tomorrow than it will be today. 

That first turkey sandwich with cranberry sauce, mayo, mustard, and stuffing the Friday afternoon after Thanksgiving? My God. I hope that's what heaven is like. 

If you're a patriot, you're dominating some turkey today and tomorrow. Perhaps Saturday. But the rest of the year? You ain't touching it. Ain't even thinking about it. 

It's what makes this holiday special. It's what makes America great. 

Let's have a big day.