Guest Gripes From A Fellow Grump - The Gripe Report
"I've got a lot of problems, and now you're going to hear about them!"
What, were you expecting someone else?
That's right folks, my buddy Matt Reigle, esteemed curator of The Gripe Report, got married a few months ago and is on his honeymoon right now.
Congrats again, dude!
He entrusted me with his baby in his absence, so for this week and this week only, your old uncle Austin is going to be delivering the gripes.
Luckily, these gripes will go out before he gets back and realizes what a terrible mistake he's made in giving me this power, but in the meantime, let's have some fun.
READ: My Perfect Trash Collection Schedule Was Ruined And Other Garbage Complaints
I'm just going to unload a grab bag of gripes I accrued over the weekend that really pissed me off, mainly because Mr. Reigle didn't really leave me a lot of instructions other than to get really angry.
And now, to paraphrase Frank Costanza, "I've got a lot of problems, and now you're going to hear about them!"
Return Your Damn Shopping Cart, Please
It's time we revisited a classic, as this is a topic that I've discussed a few times, most recently this past November.
I was making my usual shopping run to Target over the weekend (how I loathe Target), and nearly scraped the front bumper of my car on a shopping cart conveniently placed in the middle of the spot.
I realize shopping carts also have four wheels, but for the love of GOD, people, return your carts to the cart corral.
How lazy do you have to be to just abandon your cart in the empty parking spot next to you when there's usually a perfectly good cart corral maybe 70 feet from you?
In a world where the average attention span is conveniently as long as a TikTok video or Instagram Reel, this shouldn't shock me.
But I just find myself growing increasingly disenfranchised with my "fellow man" when even basic responsibilities in a high-trust society are cast to the side like a piece of garbage.
It takes 100 steps maximum to be a good Samaritan and put that hunk of plastic and metal back where it belongs, and in a country that is medaling in obesity rates, Lord knows these people could probably use the extra cardio.
Cyclists: (Road) Rules For Thee, Not For Me
I think I speak for (almost) everyone when I say cyclists are some of the worst people on planet Earth.
As I was driving to lunch yesterday, a cyclist on a two-lane road was just far enough out of the bike lane to where I had to move around him when there wasn't any oncoming traffic approaching, and, when I did, he shot me a look as if I had just farted directly into his desk fan.
Then, when we approached a red light, he just blew right through it as if he were rolling through a stop sign.
Why do we have to treat cyclists like drivers when it's convenient for them, but they don't have to follow the most basic rules of the road?
And it's not like he was just some poor schmuck without a car trying to get to work. He had the full Lance Armstrong get up on as if he was training for the Tour de Florida.
I refuse to share the road with these people as they are a deeply unserious community.
Buy a Peloton and get the hell off our roads!
Teach Your Children Playground Decorum
I'm a fairly new dad (my little guy is about one and a half) and since my son learned how to walk decently enough, we have spent many a Saturday with some of our other friends and their youngins at our local park.
It's nice to get out and let the kiddos run off some energy, plus it's easy for me to take my computer with me and bang out an article or two amongst nature, but I've been noticing a disturbing lack of parenting happening on the playground recently.
My son is usually the youngest and smallest guy on the playground, and he routinely gets trampled by kids bigger and older than he is.
And it's not like he seeks out the bigger kids either. He's just minding his own business on a piece of equipment when he gets railroaded.
I understand it's not the other kids' duty to be mindful of him, but it certainly is the parents', and therein lies the problem.
When something like this happens, the parents of the kid in question are usually either completely oblivious or are nowhere to be found.
At the playground, I am usually eagle eye'd on my child until I have to start working, then I hand things over to my wife, but someone is always watching my son.
I can't tell you how many times I see some poor kid no older than 3 or 4 years old by themselves as their parents sit in their air-conditioned car and scroll on their phones.
Get out here and stand in the trenches like the rest of us, dammit!
My son gets such a kick out of us cheering him on as he goes down the slide, I couldn't imagine just dropping him at the playground while I sat in my car and listened to whatever dumbass podcast these people are into.
Stop being lazy and start being parents.
Keep Your Politics To Yourself
I saved the best one for last because it's extremely topical, given the political climate lately.
I've seen so many people posting things to their personal social media channels in the past few weeks that have been increasingly political and divisive in nature and I have to ask: why?
What benefit does it serve to share your opinion when you know, on average, 50 percent of the people in your life will disagree.
You're not trying to start a discourse or affect change, you're just doing it because it validates what you already believe.
The next time you see some crappy infographic from Now This or Variety that affirms whatever opinion you have already formed on a political matter, I want you to play a little game.
Look at it. Memorize it. Maybe even save it to your phone. Then close your phone and move on with your life.
No one cares what you think.
At best, people will ignore you. And, at worst, they will attack you and start an argument that will get neither you nor the arguer anywhere.
It's a massive waste of time.
You're not changing anyone's mind by posting some AI slop that an intern farted out one afternoon, you're only going to make people who disagree with you hate you even more.
My literal job is to pontificate on political issues from time to time and I never even post about politics on my personal page.
So do me and everyone else a favor and keep it to yourself.