Cruisin' For A Gripin': Here Are Some Of The Absolute Worst Parts Of Going On A Cruise

It’s Wednesday, and that means it’s time for a brand-new, back-from-my-honeymoon edition of The Gripe Report!

My wife and I got married last fall and decided to space out our wedding and honeymoon, so we spent last week on a cruise to the Bahamas.

Of course, that ruled me out of last week’s Gripe Report, which was tough for all of us, but fortunately, I called up my buddy Austin Perry, and he held down the fort admirably.

Have a gripe? Send it in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com

We’ve been pals since college, so I was confident in his ability to complain with the best of them, and he didn’t let us down.

Fortunately, my wife and I lucked out with great weather and ultimately had an awesome time.

But I wouldn’t be the Gripe Report Grand Poobah if I came back to American shores without some griping material.

Pro-Tip: You're gonna need a check like your grandma gives you for Christmas to get one of these. (Getty Images)

Passport Process

The first bit of gripe material came months before we even saw a cruise ship, and that was getting a passport.

I had a passport from when I was like 18, but it had expired and then vanished in one of our moves, which meant that I had to apply for a brand new one.

Filling out the application isn’t that big of a problem, but everything else is a hassle.

First of all, to pay for it, Uncle Sam won’t take credit or debit cards. No Apple Pay, Venmo, or Cash App.

Nope, they want a check.

Since I’m 30 and relatively tech-savvy, I didn’t have any f**king checks, so I had to order them.

Worse yet, my bank didn’t offer freebies, so I had to buy checks to write one single check.

"Matt, you handsome devil, you could've gone and gotten a money order or a cashier's check from Western Union… blah blah yadda yadda…"

Western Union?! Is it 1890 and no one told me?! 

I shouldn't have to do that! Take a credit card!

Then, as if that wasn’t enough, I had to drive like half an hour away to another post office because mine is like, "Meh, we don’t do passports."

When it’s all said and done, it costs quite a bit of money for a passport, which is good for the next decade, but shouldn’t Joe Taxpayers like you and me get passports at no additional cost, what with all the taxes we pay?

I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Upselling The Second You Get Onboard

My wife and I arrived in Port Canaveral after a quick drive, and we had no issues at all getting onboard. Seriously, from the moment we checked our bags (and tipped some guy for wheeling them into a pile of other suitcases), we were onboard in just a couple of minutes.

We decided to have a quick look around and then grab a bite to eat.

The two of us walked to the elevators (more on those in a bit), where a lady was standing, and asked if we wanted to see the spa.

I figured I knew what it was like (massage tables, robes, Enya playing, etc.), so we said no. However, we walked a little further and got asked again if we wanted to see the spa or book a massage.

We managed to escape and grabbed some lunch.

I needed a beverage and decided it was as good a time as any to grab my first beer of the voyage. 

It was a fine domestic light beer, but as I was drinking it, a man walked up to us.

"I see you’re drinking a beer," he said, rather astutely. "Would you like to buy a beer package?"

Truth be told, I don’t drink that much, plus I had carried on a bottle of cheap red wine, so it was cheaper to go the à la carte route.

I said no, and he split, but a minute or two later, another guy came up and asked the same thing.

It happened at least four or five times in the time it took me to drink the beer.

We spent a fair bit of cold, hard dinero to be on the cruise in the first place. So, the last thing we want is to have people upselling us before we’ve even had a chance to load up on some of the included food.

Fortunately, this stopped once the cruise left port, but I’d argue it doesn’t need to happen at all.

The same goes for the people in ports of call who yell at you to get a taxi or rent an ATV.

I can’t imagine this tactic works out very much at all.

Although I did see some tourist and his chick almost crash an ATV into the back of a box truck in Nassau, so maybe it does.

Humans have been on the water for centuries and yet we still get sick from it. (Getty Images)

Sea Sickness

I don’t know how I didn’t see it coming, but I got seasick on the first night.

I must be a delusional ass because I thought I’d be fine despite knowing full well that I get sick if I have to sit in the second row of a car or ride a roller coaster.

Hell, I got sick from driving go-karts one time.

But, still, I decided to try raw-dogging the first few hours at sea, and sure enough, I was feeling like trash.

The first night at dinner, we had to sit with other couples, and they must have thought I was the most stand-offish tool on the planet. 

No, I was just afraid that if I opened my mouth more than was truly necessary, I’d ralph up the chicken schnitzel I had just eaten.

Humanity should've evolved beyond sea sickness at this point. 

Fortunately, Dramamine worked its wonders, as did some strange patches my wife bought that you stick behind your ear.

It’s still unclear to me how the hell that’s supposed to work, but I had no issues after I put them on.

I might start wearing them all the time just to play it safe.

Elevators

I hadn’t been on a cruise in over a decade, and I forgot how huge ships are.

I mean, the one we were on had like fifteen decks, thirteen of which were fully usable for most passengers.

Considering how much I was eating, I was more than happy to take the steps, which I ran up like I was preparing for the NFL combine.

But sometimes, I had to go from Deck 3 to Deck 12 and didn’t want to show off, so I would take the elevator.

That was a nightmare.

First of all, there were eight elevators per bank, but when you do the math and realize there were only two banks, elevators were at a premium.

They were also weirdly shaped and were longer and narrower.

This became a huge issue whenever someone with a stroller or a wheelchair was boxed into the back of the elevator. Everyone would have to clear out so they could get out.

A pain, yes, but made worse by the fact that the doors closed so quickly.

One time, my wife and I backed away so a guy with a stroller could back out as well and allow some people to get off. But by the time they had shuffled out, the doors shut, stranding us on some random deck.

And then when dinner time rolled around, forget about it.

You’d better just hoof it unless you want to spend 20 minutes waiting for an elevator to show up.

"I know dinner is forty-minutes, so I'll have a quick snack to tie me over… Give me a few of those, one of these, some of that…" (Getty Images)

Not Having Self-Control On The Food Front

I’ve been trying to clean up my eating habits as of late, and that was the only reason I wasn’t looking forward to this trip.

I’m one of those guys whose only course of action against junk food is to not buy it.

Like, I can’t have a pack of Oreos in the house, or I’ll consume.

So, having all-day access to everything from burgers to BBQ to ice cream to room service had me nervous.

I did alright, but I still had more than a few meals where I left feeling like I was on the verge of death.

During one brunch, I realized I was taking bites of gorgonzola and grape pizza (which sounds weird but was dynamite) between bites of apple cinnamon waffle.

I survived the ordeal (who am I kidding? I loved it!), but thought they were going to have to roll me down the gangway like Violet Beauregarde.

Maybe I need better self-control, but I see this as the cruise’s fault.

Trivia Funny Guys

One thing my wife and I did quite a bit on the ship was trivia, and we’ve got a bit of a medal haul to show for it (*sniff*).

It was like bar trivia, and I like to think I’m a great bar trivia teammate because I know a little about a lot of things, and a lot about a few things (I did have to miss a round of Simpsons trivia because of a dining reservation, so someone’s victory comes with a massive asterisk. I would’ve waxed the floor in that one).

But at each trivia thing we went to, there was always one guy who was trying his hardest to be "the funny guy."

Now, I love laughing. I love jokes.  I love having a good time.

But I hate when people decide that it is their duty to be the comic relief and comment on every single question or answer that is read, and fire off little quips non-stop.

This isn’t exclusively a cruise thing. It’s something you’ll run into in all kinds of places, and it makes me cringe so hard every time.

I get that we’re there to have fun and let loose, but it’s not the "Pudgy Insurance Agent from Schenectady" show. Trivia is the fun thing. Any attempts to make it more fun with quips, comments, and awful jokes make it infinitely less fun because the rest of us sit there begging for the ship to rock so this guy tumbles out of a porthole.

Alright, not everyone thinks that, but I was.

There’s a time and a place for jokes. Open mic nights, best man speeches, a eulogy for a circus clown.

Heck, The Gripe Report is a perfect place for them!

Just don’t do it when I’m trying to score some more cruise ship trivia medals.

…

That's it for this sea-faring edition of The Gripe Report!

Feel free to send in any and all gripes for a future edition!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com