Eagles' WAG Is Super Bowl Ready, Coors Light Prepped For Monday, Sports Parade Karen Enters & More

Well, this certainly feels familiar. For you OutKick lifers out there, especially the Nightcaps brethren, you might remember a time when my name was glued to the top of this column like Jimmy Kimmel’s hands are to Kamala Harris’ balls. 

For the rest of you, allow me to re-introduce myself as the site’s middle-aged white guy.

Wait, you’re telling me there’s more of me around here?

Just a few months after shifting to part-time duties, I came back to OutKick full-time the first week of January. Hopefully you guys and girls didn’t burn my jersey when I (briefly) left town. Believe it or not, Trump’s return to Office has somehow managed to overshadow my return to the keyboard. 

That’s my long-winded way of saying - Amber’s off today, so I got the call from the bullpen. I’m going to throw some junk and hope the team can remain competitive. 

But enough about me. You came here to be entertained, so let’s see what rabbits I can pull out of my overpriced Ohio State 2025 College Football National Champions hat.

If you’re into trying before buying, here’s what’s on tap for a Tuesday Nightcap: This year’s Super Bowl has all the excitement of a prostate exam. So, rather than bend over, we’ll try to loosen things up by smashing some Pop-Tarts and checking in on an Eagles’ lineman’s girlfriend who's soon-to-be touching down in NOLA. We’ll also point and laugh at a Karen who wants alcohol to be absent from the winning team’s parade, crack some Coors Lights and celebrate the work of Newman and Karl Malone.

I promise that’ll all make sense eventually. And if it doesn’t…well, you didn’t drink enough.

Cheers!

Taylor Swift's Feeding Travis Kelce Like He's A Pre-Teen Late For The Bus

Chiefs, Eagles, who cares? This is the least excitement I've had for a Super Bowl in my lifetime. And I feel like I'm not alone. Philly's yearly underdogs shtick is exhausting and anyone with an ounce of dignity quit respecting that team when they made the awful decision to move away from Kelly Green uniforms. The run Kansas City's been on the last half-decade is incredible, and Patrick Mahomes is tough to hate (his brother Jackson, not so much). Same for Andy Reid. But the Chiefs man. Aren't we all just sick of ‘em? Yes. Yes we are. But that's not going to stop me from sharing what Travis Kelce said about Taylor Swift's cooking…

"She's quite the cook," Kelce said of Swift during Monday's Super Bowl LIX Opening Night. "I would say, I'm a breakfast guy, her Pop-Tarts are unbelievable. Homemade Pop-Tarts. Unbelievable."

Let me guess - she makes a mean Ramen Noodle lunch, and she whips up buttery popcorn so fast you'd swear it was microwaved!

Lane Johnson’s Girlfriend Might Be The Most Interesting Part Of Super Bowl LIX

Now, let's move over to a Kelsey we don't mind seeing or hearing about. Pop-Tarts not included.

That would be Philly WAG, Kelsey Holmer, the girlfriend of Philadelphia tackle Lane Johnson. Screw Jalen Hurts, this is a backside worth protecting.

The Eagles arrived in New Orleans on Sunday, but, according to her Instagram, Kelsey's still in Philly. I'm fully convinced that once she touches down in the Bayou, she'll generate more buzz than Sunday's matchup. Johnson and Holmer have been together since 2022 after Johnson divorced his wife of six years.

Hell of a rebound from the Birds' right tackle.

Shame on the OutKick culture department for not previously recognizing Kelsey's potential.

Keep Karen Away From The Super Bowl Parade

Regardless of who wins Sunday, there are two invites I wouldn't extend to the championship parade. The first goes to Kendrick Lamar. Admittedly, I'm showing my age, but I honestly couldn't tell you anything he sings. I'm pissed he's crashing my Super Bowl halftime. It's bad enough that I've gotta watch Kelce, Swift, and a bunch of Georgia guys turned-Eagles. But then, at the halfway point, I've gotta choke down a third helping of buffalo chicken dip with Lamar occupying my airwaves. Can we just fast-forward to March Madness already?

The other parade invite I'm rescinding belongs to Katie over on Elon's X. Here's why:

How is her name not Karen, seriously? Same number of letters, same first letter, same attitude.

Nerd alert! I bet Katie - self-described: Christ following, mother, wife, stylist, horse loving woman! - doesn't do much Nightcaps reading. Her loss. Also, does she not realize that the fans, and hell, probably even some kids, will be drunk too? If your team wins, you and the team celebrate and you celebrate hard. 

Even the Tuna knows this is what you work all offseason for. Enjoy it!

 

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Speaking Of Celebrating…Coors Light Has Monday Covered

Go ahead and scroll past this next one Katie, it's not for your eyes. 

Until our long, national nightmare of having to work the day after the Super Bowl is put to rest (Whattaya say, Donald?), most of us will have to continue to return to the workplace hungover and lacking sleep on the day following the Super Bowl. Because of this, Coors Light is capitalizing on our misery and temporarily re-branding their beer "Mondays Light."

"Let's face it: the Monday after the Big Game takes 'Case of the Mondays' to a whole new level," Marcelo Pascoa, Coors Light's Vice President of Marketing said last month. "So, we thought, why not turn that classic 'Case of the Mondays' into a literal case of Coors Light? Mondays Light is our way of reminding fans to Choose Chill on one of the worst Mondays of the year."

Couple those cold ones with a handful of Ibuprofen, a few TUMS, and anything but Stephen A. Smith on the TV, and we could be looking at having a nice little recovery Monday (assuming all our Super Bowl bets hit).

12 packs of the re-branded beer are available for a limited time. Just please, keep them away from any celebratory parades. Katie's for the kids!

Happy National Thank A Mail Carrier Day!

Apologies for buying the lede. I completely forgot today is National Thank A Mail Carrier Day.  Between Taylor's homemade Pop-Tarts and Kelsey Holmer's, well, everything… it somehow slipped my mind. *Side note - I can't believe they're making us work on NTAMC Day. Here I am complaining about the day after the Super Bowl, when I should be marching up to HR (virtually, of course) and demanding we respect mail carriers with a little R&R.

That said, top three mail carriers of my lifetime:

1) Newman (no last name given, no last name needed)

2) Cliff Clavin (bet your ass he'd have some parade beers)

3) Karl Malone (Points deducted for finishing his career ring-chasing in LA)

I Won't Leave You Empty-Handed

That's it for me. These fingers are typed out (tough job, I know). If Joel Embiid or Kawhi Leonard had to navigate this keyboard through 1000+ words, they'd voluntarily retire. Not me. I'm leaving you a little something extra to scroll through while you should be working. You're welcome.

                    *Nightcaps is published at roughly 4pm (usually sooner) Monday through Friday.

                                   Follow along on X: @OhioAF  or email: anthony.farris@outkick.com

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Anthony is a former high school basketball intramural champion who played a leading role in creating two offspring. He spends his weekends hoping for an MTV Rock N' Jock revival. Follow him on X (@OhioAF).