Danica Patrick Hits The Pool For Golf Lessons, Cowboys Cheerleaders Gear Up For Tryouts & McAfee Vs. ESPN 2.0?
We're over the hump, Joe has joined our class on the Ultra Right bandwagon – little late to the party, but whatever – and Danica Patrick is gearing up for the RBC Heritage by her pool.
Who has it better than us? Nobody. Not a one. Most non-Floridians around the country are also mowing today for the first time since what? Last fall?
Kid's play. Hilarious. We don't stop mowing in Florida. You can't. Doesn't work like that in the tropics. We mow less in the "winter" than we do the other 8 months out of the year, but it's still once-a-month AT LEAST for a few months.
And guess what? It's supposed to be 94 on Saturday. 94! I guess spring is just done down here. We're jumping straight into summer, which means mowing twice a week, sweating our nuts off from dawn to dusk, and getting our arms and ankles chewed to shit by the biggest mosquitoes this side of the Mississippi.
God, I love this state.
On that note, welcome to a Thursday Nightcaps – the one where we grip it and rip it with Danica Patrick and celebrate the one-week countdown to the NFL Draft with the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.
Danica Patrick and Dallas … take that, Google Algo! Good luck slowing down this class today.
What else? We've got Pat McAfee calling out the scrubs at ESPN AGAIN, Rays closer Pete Fairbanks giving maybe the greatest postgame breakdown of all time, and nobody and I mean NOBODY went to yesterday's White Sox-Royals afternoon tilt.
Hell, if we have time, we may even check in with peak Florida Man, and this fella is right down the street from me!
Grab a dumbbell for National Exercise Day, throw it away immediately, grab an Ultra Right instead and settle in for a Thursday class!
Where do we land on Danica Patrick's golf swing?
I only mention National Exercise Day because it actually applies to me today. What a coincidence!
The First Lady has been hounding me about getting back into running for months now. Not because I'm fat (allegedly), but because I used to do it all the time, then we had a kid and I just sort of stopped. Not on purpose, but you know how it goes.
You lose all your free time for those first few years. The free time you DO still have is all spent on the kid. I used to run like 3 times a week around the neighborhood. Nothing special, but it at least kept me less fat.
The last two years? That free time has been used to walk with my kid, which I actually quite enjoy – mainly because I do it with a giant tumbler of whiskey and water. Refreshing.
Anyway, the First Lady says I need to start running again because – again, not fat – I need to start doing some things for myself again. Frankly, I'd rather use that little hall pass for golf, but I guess that's pushing it.
So, I'm gonna start running again – and it starts today. I have a vacation coming up in 5 weeks, and I'd like to get back down to my playing weight of 185ish by then. That means I have 10 pounds to lose. Feel like that's doable. We'll see.
Speaking of getting outside and working out, where do we land on Danica Patrick's golf swing?
Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders get their own Netflix show
Can't believe it's almost been a full year since Danica tore up Europe for a solid month. Can't wait to see how she follows it up this year.
Swing looks good, by the way. I'm awful with the whole loose grip thing. My thumb starts to blister around the turn, every single time. I was the same way back in my D-3 baseball days, which is probably why I had D-3 baseball days.
Anyway, there's more golf content from Danica Patrick over on her Instagram, but it seems like the IT folks have punted on that for us, so I reckon we'll never get to see it. Awesome. Thanks, guys.
Next? The IT people haven't ruined Twitter for us yet, and Twitter told me this morning that the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders are getting some much-needed attention this summer over on the Netflix.
Can't wait to see the drama these tryouts bring!
Pat McAfee is building on his momentum in the battle versus ESPN
Hard Knocks is OUT, America's Sweethearts is IN. Plan accordingly. Can't wait to see these Cowboys cheerleaders go at it this summer. Should be a bloodbath from start to finish.
Speaking of …
How about Pat McAfee going on his ESPN show yesterday afternoon and taking a giant dump on an ESPN story from earlier in the day that took shots at Bill Belichick?
Pat, of course, later brought Belichick on the show and announced that he would be joining the team for next week's NFL Draft.
First he got Norby canned after a two-month power struggle, and now he's shitting on ESPN stories right to their woke faces.
Beautiful.
Pete Fairbanks, Florida Man & White Sox enthusiasm is through the roof!
Knowing how … sensitive … the media folks can be, I'd imagine there's an all-hands meeting going on in Bristol today.
Someone get Gregg Doyel on the horn STAT to get his thoughts!
OK, rapid-fire time as we head into a big Thursday and I gear up for my first jog in two years on by far the hottest Florida day since October.
God, I'm dumb.
First? I can't get enough of this Pete Fairbanks breakdown after he blew a 9th inning lead yesterday:
"No, I thought I generally sucked."
The stare, the little lip curl, the sigh, the tone, the delivery – it was all perfect. This was a masterclass from St. Pete Pete from start to finish. Love this dude. I'm sure all 13 Rays fans do, too.
Relax! I'm just kidding! At least you're not White Sox fans:
Whoooooooooooof. Nobody wanted to catch a little Sox-Royals Wednesday afternoon action yesterday? Brutal. Now, I don't blame White Sox fans at all. Not even close.
The team stinks. They can barely score a run. Half of the actual decent players are hurt. And, most importantly, it was a 1 p.m. game on Wednesday in April … in Chicago.
Royals ain't exactly a huge draw, either.
Finally, let's warm back up in my great, big, beautiful, gun-toting, beer-drinking state on the way out:
The Cavinder Twins are back in Coral Gables
I mean, it's just perfect. Sketchy area, shots fired, sunglasses at night, and the simple request to let him finish his beer while it's still cold before you lock him up.
Is that too much to ask? I think not. He didn't hurt anyone. Just fired off a couple shots into the Florida night and cracked open a latte. No harm, no foul. What does Joe always say?
Innocent until proven guilty.
Now, on the way out, let's all welcome Haley Cavinder BACK to the University of Miami.
For those who missed it, both Cavinder Twins called it a career after last season.
About six months later, Haley announced she was going back to school and joining TCU in 2024. Six months after that – yesterday – sister Hanna announced she too was returning for one more year, but she was coming back to Miami.
A day later, ex-LSU star Hailey Van Lith – the one who got lit up like a Christmas tree by Caitlin Clark two weeks ago – announced she was officially transferring to TCU.
Aaaaaaaaand about 10 minutes after that, Haley Cavinder said the hell with this, and announced she was transferring BACK to Miami to join sister Hanna for one last ride.
The transfer portal is a hell of a drug.
See you tomorrow.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
Could you beat Danica in golf? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.