‘Soft Swapping’ Is Hot In The Streets According To A Relationship Therapist
Couples are trying soft swapping, but experts say the reality is more complicated than it looks.
Soft swinging or soft swapping is apparently hot in the streets right now, according to a relationship therapist who knows why couples are increasingly interested in it and how they can make it work.
Who could forget one of the internet's favorite soft-swinging stories from the Utah suburbs where Mormon influencer Frankie Taylor Paul blamed it for ending her marriage? It might have led to a divorce, but it helped land her a reality show.
Soft swapping is becoming more popular according to a relationship expert. (Image Credit: Getty)
Allegedly, the non-monogamous lifestyle choice of soft swapping can work despite being viewed as the gateway to full-blown swinging. Although it does require that the couples put in some work of their own.
Relationship specialist and mental health therapist Shelly Dar has the answers. She knows the two main reasons couples are dipping their toes into the soft-swapping waters and what needs to be done to make it work.
This form of swinging involves couples being intimate with people outside their marriage without full penetration. It's like driving the ball down the field but failing to put the ball in the end zone. We're talking field goals only.
Kissing, touching, oral sex and even just being intimate with your spouse in the same space as another couple are all considered field goals. You're in the red zone but can’t cross the goal line.
If you think soft swapping is the quick fix for a shaky relationship, this therapist says you might want to think again
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"Psychologically, it feels safer, a way to explore curiosity and novelty while keeping a tighter hold on boundaries," Dar told LADbible about the increase in popularity among couples.
She explains there are two reasons behind it. "First, it can add excitement without triggering the same level of jealousy or insecurity that comes with more open arrangements."
"Second, it lets couples tell themselves: we’re exploring together, not replacing each other. That sense of control is key."
Now if you've seen reality shows that have put a positive spin on the lifestyle and think that's how it's going to play out for you, she has some news for you. That's not the reality of how this all works.
"They frame non-monogamy as fun, playful, and even glamorous. What viewers don’t see is the emotional hangover afterwards, the boundary setting, the awkward conversations," Dar said.
"I’ve seen many couples struggle with this, those parts are just as important as the thrill itself."
If you've heard more about this lately, the neighborhood where you live is buzzing with soft swapping, and you want to be one of the cool kids, Dar has some advice.
"Get clear on your motivation. If you’re doing it to add adventure, be honest. If you’re doing it to fix cracks in the relationship, that’s a different story and often where problems start," she said.
"And whatever you decide, the conversation you have afterwards matters more than what happened on the night."
So is this expert trying to tell us that hopping into bed with other people, even if we're kicking only field goals, isn't going to fix a relationship that has issues? I'd like to see the math on that.