Britney Spears Poses In Her Birthday Suit, TikTok’s insaneshayne Talks Marshmallow Combine, & Robot Gets Fresh
Quick – what do Jason Kelce and I have in common? Though midsections shaped by beer wouldn’t necessarily be wrong, the answer I’m looking for is that we’re both retiring.
Yes, this is my Nightcaps farewell, at least for the time-being. But I look at this retirement as more the Michael Jordan or Brett Favre (unsolicited d*ck pics not included) type of retirement, in that, I will likely be back before long.
Like Michael Jordan and Brett Favre, I could be back from retirement.
(Michael Jordan (Getty Images) and Brett Favre (Getty Images))
Wait, did I just compare myself to MJ and Favre?
Anyway, I’m not just turning in my Nightcaps mug (bone dry), I’m also handing in my virtual OutKick keys. After just a shade under three years, I’m heading elsewhere, to a completely different line of work. Hint, it rhymes with LonelyCans…
Just kidding – no one wants to see that! And they sure as hell don't want to pay for it.
So yes, I am leaving for a role elsewhere, but it’s on good terms. The people here are great, and as cliché as it sounds, we’re like a family (a family that loves Syndey Sweeney and debating the worth of Kirk Cousins). I always assumed I’d be a lifer. But I have a wife and two kids and when you work in this industry, you learn right away that weekends and holidays are for editing stories about Pete Alonso dingers and picking your jaw up from the floor long enough to write about Jalen Rose suggesting men should pay $100 for haircuts. That’s one of the sacrifices that all of us writers, editors, social team, etc. make.
And believe me, I’m well-aware that we’re pounding away (hey now!) at a keyboard and not hanging drywall. So, this isn’t a boo-hoo moment by any means.
Honestly, I just want to spend my weekends watching my kids compete in their respective sports/competitions, then lose track of the amount of Tito’s I consume until Monday morning. A couple of extra bucks doesn’t hurt either (Tito’s ain’t cheap!).
All that said, I’m still going to be part of team OutKick, just on a less-frequent basis. I will freelance from time -to-time and, hopefully, you’ll still see my byline on the Britney Spears topless beat, college football uniform rankings, Blue Jays fans treating the Rogers Centre like the mile high club and more.
Assuming you’re still with me and haven’t clicked elsewhere or started working on my going away present, let’s get out the big ice cube, fill a glass and finish this thing off with a drink before I let Zach and Amber co-parent Wednesday’s Nightcaps. Shall we?
Gym, Tan, …. Combine?
The NFL Combine wrapped up just over a week ago, which is bad news for the white guys who participated in the annual Indianapolis underwear Olympics. It's unfortunate because they missed out on the advice that ex-NFLers, and fellow Caucasians, Taylor Lewan and Chris Long revealed over the weekend. Their advice - hitting the tanning bed before taking to the turf in Indy. No one wants to see a pasty white guy going through the three-cone drill, not even NFL general managers.
And Lewan and Long would know - both are former first round draft picks.
Chris Long hit the tanning bed before the combine. (Photo by Rob Leiter via Getty Images)
On a recent episode of The Green Light with Chris Long podcast, Long shared the truths behind white guys catching some artificial rays pre-combine.
Long used his podcast to agree with Lewan who confirmed during last week's combine coverage that he "fake baked," when preparing for the 2014 NFL Draft. "Absolutely, there's no question," Lewan said during the NFL Network's coverage of the event.
Both former players are of the (accurate) opinion that being more tan made their physiques look better.
In response, Chris Long followed: "It doesn't help being a white guy going to the combine if you're pasty white. So I just wanted to take the time and cosign (what Lewan said) and say, ‘Hey Taylor, I did used to get in the tanning bed too.’ And I was embarrassed to say it, but that's like a real thing. Before the combine, it's like, they tell the white guys to get in the tanning bed."
As a fellow white male, I can confirm my temple…I mean, my body looks much better when it's had some sun. You can sometimes, almost, depending on the lighting, spot a muscle.
Same Rules For Marshmallow Combine With insaneshayne?
Speaking of combines and white things, have you witnessed the Marshmallow combine? This video is nearly two years old, but has recently been surfacing across social media again. Rightfully so. 41 seconds worth of TikToker Shayne Boyle going all Randy Moss on the fluffy white things.
Tan or not (and in Shayne's case, most definitely not), the talent is undeniable. We've got a toe-tap, a Griddy, and the type of route running that would make Cooper Kupp look ordinary.
Unless you're the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, whom I assume isn't into cannibalism, you can't not be impressed by what Boyle does between the white lines.
After contributing to more of the 175k views garnered by the Marshmallow Combine TikTok then I'd like to admit, I feel like Boyle would be a lock to go Day Two of the Draft. Then again, throw a spray tan on our guy, and he's a Day One lock.
Earlier today, I caught up with "insaneshayne," as he's known to his more than 1.2 million TikTok followers to get to the bottom of his memorable marshmallow moment.
*Shayne's answers are italicized (in case this is your first time reading a transcript of an interview…)
Q: I’m not sure if I’m more impressed with your hands or your route running. Do you model your game after any particular receivers, and if so, who?
I would say I am a mix between Wes Welker and Terrell Owens. Blessed with the majestic route running, surprise quickness, and body type of Wes with the big mouth ability of TO.
Q: After watching your performance, plenty of scouts have compared your marshmallow consumption with that of legendary catcher Ham Porter’s (you may have seen his work in The Sandlot). Do you think that’s a fair comparison, why or why not?
Game respects game. The Great Hambino is part of the reason I got into the marshmallow game. Although I do respect Hams skills, I think my mobility is what separates us. Ham walked, so I could run.
Shayne Boyle is arguably the greatest marshmallow mouth catcher of all-time.
(@insaneshayne (TikTok))
Q: Nearly two years after this combine hit the internet, questions remain as to how you were able to perform at such a high level. Have you ever used PEDs and were you tested after the combine?
I get these comments all the time, still. I take it as a compliment, because they can’t believe what they are watching is real. I was tested numerous times and I will be happy to tinkle for any of my doubters to prove I’m the real deal.
Q: If there’s one knock from that day, it’s that the DB attempting (without much success) to slow you down appears to lack the quick feet and fluid hips to keep pace with pros. What do you have to say for those who suggest your performance was inflated because of the competition you faced?
Talent always rises to the top. I don’t let the haters get to me, but I use them as motivation. I plan on challenging a golden retriever to a catch-off soon to prove I have the best mouth on the internet.
Q: What’s next?
Only up from here. I’m going to train and do crazier catches from further distances and higher heights. Although marshmallows are my favorite catch, I will be showing my versatility with all types of foods and objects. Shoutout to my QBs, couldn’t do it without y'all!
Check out Shayne's, Instagram, @insaneshayne1, for more content. Personally, I'm hoping for a Ham Porter collaboration, but I'll take what I can get.
Britney Spears Lacks Tan Lines
Since we're talking tans and being that this is my Nigthcaps swan song, I would be remiss not to acknowledge the Princess of Pop, Britney Spears, getting naked all over Instagram. Again.
What a time to be alive.
Spears, who in the late ‘90s and early 2000's was nearly as recognizable as Travis Kelce's girlfriend today, might now be known more for her nudity than her music. Who could've envisioned that she'd become such a content machine, not for her music or dancing, but for her second chapter, where she's nude more often than a pair of honeymooners at Hedonism II?
But that's exactly where we are. Case in point:
I'm told crack kills, but for those of you wanting a better glimpse of Britney's buns, head over to her Instagram where, you, alongside Spears' more than 42 million followers, can see a color version (actually two versions) of Spears' backside.
Britney Spears is spending less time on stage and more time naked. (Photo by Tim Mosenfelder/Getty Images)
And as I alluded to above, I've been on the Britney beat for nearly three years now (tough gig, I know) and am yet to be surprised by anything the 42-year-old part-time nudist does. But she's a gift to those of us in the content game. You'll hear no complaints from me.
Oh, and from the looks of it, she must be prepping for a combine and heeded the advice of Taylor Lewan and Chris Long, because that tan is flawless.
From One Dumpster Fire To The Next…
It's no secret that the Browns organization has generally been a flaming ball of dysfunction and embarrassment. Cleveland briefly pushed aside their weekly dumpster fires last fall long enough to win 11 games and (quickly) taste the postseason. On Tuesday, they got back to their roots when a literal fire started within their stadium.
There is no offseason in Cleveland!
The culprit was apparently a clothes dryer, which leads me to believe Deshaun Watson's dirty laundry has finally caught up with the Browns. Per Cleveland's 19 News, no one was injured in the fire.
Per me, Deshaun Watson, Denzel Ward and oft-injured ex-top draft pick, Courtney Brown, are already questionable for Week One because of the blaze.
Male Humanoid Robot Is Just Like Us!
Since we're talking Watson and all, how about a butt massage from a robot? Who says no?
(Can I at least see the robot first…?)
Nevermind.
If you missed it, Saudi Arabia recently revealed an AI robot named Mohammad. He's the country's first humanoid male robot. And he's a little bit handsy. Mohammed, who speaks Arabic and English, was interviewed by reporter Rawya Kassem in front of a crowd, and before answering Kassem's question, took a grab of her backside.
What a debut for the robot! This is like when Anquan Boldin hauled in 10 receptions for 217 yards in his first NFL game.
QSS, the robotics company responsible for the robot, released the following statement to Metro after Mohammad was accused of groping: "We have already conducted a thorough review of the footage and the circumstances surrounding the incident and there was no deviations from expected behavior of Mohammad, however we will take additional measures to prevent anyone getting close to the Robot within its areas of movement."
Mohammad might be a humanoid, but make no mistake, he's got that dog in 'em.
We've Got Dad Jokes!
Butt wait, there's more!
If you've been following along over the last few weeks (of course you have), you know that we've been devoting Hump Day Nightcaps space to dad jokes. And, frankly, I should've done this much sooner. But, you live and you learn. And to be honest, sometimes you have to throw some shit at the wall and see what sticks. Just don't take that literally. That said, dad jokes have stuck, so we're going to continue to toss them out here until HR closes up my 401k and tells me to get lost.
This week's offerings come from you, the readers:
First up, a couple of bangers from the desk (or more likely, phone) of Will Evans:
Q: Why did the blonde, get fired from the M&M factory?
A: She keep throwing out all the W’s.
And another…
Q: What kind of dog wins all the dog contests?
A: A wiener dog.
This last one is from John Ward:
Q: When does a joke become a Dad joke?
A: When it becomes apparent.
Well done fellas. Not sure when I'll be in this space again, but if you've got a dad joke you want to float my way, it could potentially find a spot in a future Nightcaps column, send it to one of these two places: anthony.farris@outkick or shoot me a message on Elon's $44 billion toy, @OhioAF.
How About One Last Drink?
Before I close up shop, I'll share what I'm drinking one last time. We're going to keep the suds local today and hit up Youngstown, Ohio's Penguin City Brewery for their Irish Red Ale. There are a couple of reasons why:
A) They've got good stuff.
B) Fittingly, their Irish Red Ale taps right as Nightcaps hits the web (4 pm).
C) It's close. And as my good friend Ron likes to say, "If I can walk it, I can drive it."
Penguin City, by the way, has some all-time can designs. And if you drink enough (guilty!) you might just find yourself conversing with the ‘guins like Billy Madison.
What A Ride It's Been!
Alright, my time here is up - figuratively and literally. Hopefully, I'll be back sooner than later, possibly pinch-hitting for Amber or Zach when they need a day off to get matching Tua Tagovailoa tattoos. While we wait, here are some leftovers to snack on!
*Nightcaps is published at roughly 4pm (usually sooner) Monday through Friday.
Follow along on X: @OhioAF .