Britney Spears Joins Mile High Club, Tiger Woods Commits Disgusting Act On A Burger & OnlyFans Horse Jockey
Greetings from Daytona International Speedway, where I'm doing two-a-day Fox Weather hits acting like I have a damn clue what I'm talking about and slugging down 25 ounce Busch Lights in between reports.
Allegedly, of course.
Who has it better today? Nobody, so – as Nick Saban once famously said – quit askin'!
Well, maybe Britney Spears does. Our perfectly-sane, totally normal OG Nightcaps student joined the mile-high club this week, and I'm not really sure why.
Frankly, though, she's the least of the aviation industry's worries right now. Should we add to the list today? Probably. Lord knows I have plenty of options.
On that note, welcome to a Thursday Nightcaps – where I try to distract everyone for a few minutes from some pretty awful images from Kansas City and some equally awful takes on Twitter.
Think we can do it? Of course we can.
That's sort of the whole point of this daily column, you know – to check out for a few minutes from the real world and talk some nonsense before dismissing everyone for the night.
So that's what we're gonna do today! We'll obviously welcome Britney Spears back to class, but we'll do it from 30,000 feet in the sky.
I'd also like to welcome Tiger Woods BACK to the tour, but not in a good way. I love Big Cat more than just about anyone, but he got caught doing some pretty despicable things to a hamburger and I won't stand for it.
What else? We've got an OnlyFans horse jockey checking in for Valentine's Day, the official return of the college football video game, a fistfight on a New York highway, and a DOOZY of a take from ESPN NBA analyst Richard Jefferson.
OK, that's enough to get us started. Let's all grab a Turn 4 beer together before I have to jump back on Fox Weather and squeeze in a Thursday 'Cap!
Britney Spears joins our award-winning aviation list!
Hate to start class by adding to the list, but rules are rules, and I'm nothing if not a man of my word.
It's been a while since Britney came to class – just kidding, she's a regular! – but just know that she's kept plenty busy.
I believe the last time we checked in on her, Britney was in the midst of an ugly fallout with an LA Four Seasons because she kept getting naked by the pool.
Sadly, she was ultimately banned. Yuck. We used to be a free country, you know.
"In the past year, she's been banned from the hotel, unbanned, and is now banned again, a source told The Sun at the time. "Some guests have complained about her going topless by the pool and making them feel uncomfortable, and her behavior is often bizarre and annoying."
Britney Spears? Bizarre? Nah. Can't be!
Tiger Woods is BACK, baby!
Good God. You all know the drill by now:
In the last month we've had …
- Alaska Boeing Max loses a door mid-flight.
- Atlas Air blows an engine in the sky.
- Guy in Utah gets sucked into a commercial airliner while running on tarmac.
- Another Max plane gets dinged because of pesky loose bolts.
- Wheel nearly comes off commercial flight right before takeoff.
- United CEO is also a drag queen.
- Virgin flight missing bolts.
- Holes mis-drilled in new Max planes.
- A pair of JetBlue planes collide at Logan
- Perfectly-sane Britney Spears pilots a plane
Obviously that last one is a joke, but still – why is she in the cockpit? I don't get it. What's the backstory? And why is she dressed up as the devil for Valentine's Day?
Nobody on the planet puts my mind in a pretzel quite like Britney Spears. She's the ultimate enigma.
Now, speaking of people making baffling decisions, how about Tiger Woods pulling off this little move ahead of his big PGA return:
Burger talk with ex-jockey/OnlyFans star Libby Hopwood!
I mean, just psycho stuff here from Eldrick. I don't get it. And how about the "no spread" move, too? What?
I guess pickles don't make or break a burger, but they certainly help it.
The First Lady is a pickle snob. She loads up on them at Chick-Fil-A like the apocalypse is coming, and God forbid I come home with a pickle-less Pub Sub. My ass would be planted on the couch that night so fast your head would spin.
Somewhere, there's a sexual pickle joke in there, but we have class around here so I'll refrain.
PS: how about this bomb Tiger packed on the range today? Locked and loaded!
Yes, I know it's one of those coffee pouches, but whatever. One of us.
Anyway, I've always maintained the dumbest thing to put on a burger is a fried egg. Just stupid. You can't eat it, for one. The second you bite down on it your day is ruined because you instantly have yolk in places you didn't even know existed.
And why do you need an egg to enhance a burger? A burger on its own is America at our finest. If a burger needs an egg to help it, it sucked to begin with.
We haven't done one of these in a while, so let's pump out a Mount Rushmore of essential burger add-ons before saying Happy Valentine's Day to Libby:
- Tomato
- Ketchup (can't ever have too much ketchup)
- Red onion (see above)
- Pickles (preferably the McDonalds ones)
Punches in NY, CFB video game is BACK & what a spin from Richard Jefferson
Welcome to class, Libby. And Happy V-Day to you, too!
OutKick has written about horse jockey Libby before, including the debut of her new post-career venture, Bets and Boobs, back in 2022. Yes, it's exactly what it sounds like.
And to think, we're all still using Fanduel, DraftKings and the Hard Rock app. Suckers.
OK, rapid-fire time so I can sober up before this next interview. First up? Let's head up to crime-riddled New York:
You ever been tackled into a concrete barrier? Just looks horrible. Also, not the best fight, I'll admit.
Someone land one punch for me, please. Let's act like we belong.
Next? Welcome back, NCAA Football 25:
There was no better time as a kid back in the day than the period between mid-July and mid-August. That's when you had both NCAA and Madden drop within weeks of each other.
It was truly the best way to end summer. Nothing like crushing a little camp during the day with the boys and then coming home to a Capri-Sun, some pizza rolls and hours of NCAA 08. The best.
And by the way, NCAA football routinely dominated Madden. Remember how advanced the gameplay was? LOOK at this opening:
Brad Nessler and Herbie on the call, old-school ESPN college football music (the best, by the way), legit scorebug – this was the peak of football video games.
No chance this new game will live up to those standards, but I reckon it'll give it a shot. Good luck.
Speaking of setting the bar high, how about Richard Jefferson setting the standard for in-game analysis:
Take us home, Emily Mayfield
Just next-level spin zone there from Richard. I respect it. Look, there's a game to play. A job to do.
Motivation comes in many different shapes and sizes, you know.
PS: any time you're talking about someone's death and then start the next sentence with "on the flip side," you know you're gonna be in for a wild ride, and Richard Jefferson didn't disappoint.
OK, that's it for today. Class dismissed! Here's a very pregnant Emily Mayfield hitting absolute tanks off the tee on the way out.
Stripe City.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
Would you get on a plane piloted by Britney Spears? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.