The Biggest New Year's Celebration Ever Looks Like My Own Personal Hell
To each their own, but good luck convincing me that doesn't look terrible
If you read the latest edition of The Gripe Report — and we all know you did, seeing as it's appointment reading for those who love a good complaint sesh — you'll know that I'm not a big New Year's Eve guy.
Never have I felt more confident in that stance than when I saw footage from what has been crowned the biggest New Year's Eve gathering ever, according to the folks who keep track of people with the longest fingernails and who can stuff the most matches in their nose, the Guinness World Records.
A reported 2.5 million revelers crammed their way onto Rio de Janeiro's Copacabana Beach in what is being called the biggest New Year's celebration on record.
I'm sure they all had a great time, but here's where my head goes: the parking/public transportation must have been a real nightmare once it was time to head home.
And don't get me started on the toilet situation, if there even was one. It may have been a "throw on a pair of Depends and start praying" situation.
That's just way too much for my liking. Do you know how I celebrated the Year of Our Lord 2026? My wife and I watched three terrible movies (with Rifftrax commentary to help it go down nice and easy), ordered pizza, and went to bed at 11:50 in hopes of getting a head start before the fireworks started flying every which way.
That's my speed. Standing shoulder to shoulder with millions of strangers isn't.
Also, this being on a beach made it way worse.
Much like Anakin Skywalker, I hate sand. It's not because I grew up on Tatooine and sand people killed my mom or anything. I just hate how sand continues to haunt me for several days after I was standing in it.
So, while everyone's having a good time and counting down to the moment they can crack open their new The Far Side desk calendars, I would be thinking about how much I was dreading having to vacuum my car several times to get the fine Brazilian sand out of it.
Hopefully, everyone had a good time and got home safe, but I'm going to continue to celebrate my way.
My non-record-breaking way.
And, yes, the new Far Side calendar is in position.