Aggressive Squirrel In California Is Piling Up Victims

Squirrels can be a real problem. Back in college, I had one rip a deuce on me while I was walking to Spanish class. Normally, I'd just go home, but I was running late for Spanish class. That day, I was supposed to do a presentation in front of the class with a girl I wanted to go on a date with that day.

The presentation went fine, but I think you can probably guess how asking a girl out after she's seen you in a shirt with squirrel feces on it.

No bueno.

But lucky for me, the altercation between me and that nut-hoarding bastard never turned physical, because one squirrel in California is causing some serious problems.

If left unchecked, it may even fill up a hospital wing.

According to ABC 7, folks in San Rafael, California, are on the lookout for a squirrel that has sent two people to the hospital after it attacked them.

"It clamped onto my leg. The tail was flying up here. I was like, 'Get it off me, get off me!' I didn't want to touch it," said attack victim — I'm sorry; survivor — Joan Heblack, who had a run-in with the squirrel while on a walk. "It came out of nowhere. I didn't see him running up to me at all."

Squirrels: the silent killers… or leg maulers. (Getty Images)

The injuries Joan Heblack sustained from that run-in with the only squirrel more evil than the one that shat on me were bad enough that she had to visit the emergency room.

"Squirrel went from the floor, tried to jump up to my face, I tried to protect my face, my arm was completely overcome by the squirrel. Finally, it jumped off by then I was full of blood. I ran to the emergency room," Isaebl Campoy said. She was attacked while on a walk with her niece.

So far, the lesson I'm learning is not to go on walks.

Fortunately, these squirrels aren't vectors for rabies, but as many as five other people have been attacked by squirrels, and many believe it could be the same animal.

They've even posted flyers around the neighborhood about it. I'm not sure why. It's cute, but it's not like another squirrel is going to narc it on his buddy.

Also, who knows why this is happening? Perhaps it's seeking vengeance for its fallen comrade, P'Nut.

Either way, let's send our best to the folks of San Rafael.

Though I must say, I'll take an angry squirrel over a kamikaze-ing butcherbird any day.