Turns out, Woolf, who's a makeup artist (of course she is), and Andrews, a 32-year-old rental car manager, wanted to celebrate their anniversary together with some booze and banging, but things got out of hand.

Woolf told The Sun: “For our third anniversary, we rented a cabin in the country and ordered loads of sex toys, bondage gear and booze."

Timeout. They apparently celebrate anniversaries a little differently across the pond than we do here in the States. That being said, I'm already checking Priceline and Airbnb for July availability.

Back to the cabin canoodling and Isabella Woolf's descriptive version of the events:

“Rob felt under pressure to perform the whole weekend, so he bought some Viagra off the internet. We cracked open the champagne and one glass led to three bottles."

Woolf continued: “The Viagra worked a treat, and we were having a sex marathon."

Then, as Woolf told The Sun, pleasure turned to pain.

"His manhood must have been suffering, but I didn’t notice as I was drunk. I jumped on top of him and heard a crack then saw lots of blood."

Cue the ambulance.

As paramedics arrived to perform maintenance on Andrews' busted elevator shaft, Woolf was overcome with embarrassment and was too concerned with her partner's pickle to tidy up the cabin.

"It was mortifying when they arrived. In all the drama, we’d forgotten to hide all the sex toys, whips and chains," admitted Woolf.

X-rays confirmed a broken penis for Andrew, still filled with booze and pills.

Now Woolf can laugh about the experience, though Andrews probably doesn't find it all quite as amusing, and one day she says she hopes to share the story of her sexcapades with...her grandchildren?

"Fortunately, it has recovered and it’s a funny story to tell our grandkids,” said Woolf.

An early word of advice to their future grandkids: make Granny and Pops retell that same, boring Christmas turkey disaster story over and over again. Trust us, you don't want to hear whatever else they have to share.

Viagra

Intimate Evening Fueled By Champagne And Viagra Lands Man In Hospital