BREAKING: OutKick Secures Super Secret ESPN Press Release

OutKick has secured the following exclusive press release from ESPN’s publicity department. This document has not yet been released to the public.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

ESPN to acquire exclusive television and streaming rights to the professional Social Activism and Destruction (SAD) league, beginning in May of 2022. SAD athletes have been yelling at clouds since the 1960s, but recently rose to national prominence in the summer of 2020.

Bristol, CT

Thursday, July 22, 2021

Media Contact: Tommy the Commie

The Worldwide Leader in Sports will soon become the home of America’s fifth major sport, activism (as well as its subsidiaries, rioting and looting), thanks to a multi-year deal with SAD, set to begin in May 2022. The deal, brokered by super-agency BLM & Associates, will grant the Disney-owned sports broadcasting company exclusive TV and streaming rights to all protests, occupations, and ideological defecations through the end of Kamala Harris’ presidency. The undisclosed negotiated fee will be paid entirely in Democratic campaign contributions and Chinese construction bonds. The deal also grants camera crews intimate access to behind-the-scenes moments like ANTIFA bail hearings and tear gas water-break interviews.

SAD Commissioner Colin “Kid Castro” Kaepernick is excited for the future of the league:

“Thanks to the flourishing business of discontent, activism has truly become America’s fifth major sport,” Kaepernick said from his gated community. “Both online and in the streets, complaining has never been cooler, and picket lines have never been so profitable. We’re thrilled that ESPN is investing in the destruction of American goodwill and grace.

“Last summer, activism reached a new level of self-absorption and irony. Liberal metropolises were burned to the ground by enraged liberals who, having endured generations of failed liberal policies, decided that their futures were best protected by a PED-sized dose of radical liberalism,” Kaepernick elaborated. “You just can’t teach those kinds of instincts in the sport of activism. We really think the sport is going to explode internationally, and it’s all thanks to media networks like ESPN legitimizing the absurdity. We can’t thank them enough.”

(Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images)

SAD International VP & Chief of Unity, Narcissism, and Tequila LeBron James said he appreciates the corporate sponsors who helped prop up the league through their strategic, culturally-acceptable bigotry:

“Last summer was, without a doubt, one of the greatest departures from reality we’ve ever seen in the sport of public tantrums,” James said while farting on Uyghur pillows during his Space Jam press tour.

“Our corporate partners like Nike, Coca-Cola, and Ben & Jerry’s deserve a lot of credit for stepping up with a world-class collection of buzzwords, pledges, and hollow promises to cash in on the chaos. Nothing says true radicalism quite like all of corporate America rallying around you and nodding in agreement. Their dedication to criminality really changed the trajectory of this country. And we especially want to thank those with urban storefronts for giving our athletes a chance to show their looting skills on the world’s largest stage. Without their insane public cheering for the theft of their own merchandise, a lot of our young athletes would still be sitting at home trying to figure out a way to earn a living instead of receiving one.”

(Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images)

ESPN President James Pitaro spoke to SAD’s dedication to total absurdity as one of the core reasons he decided to invest in the league’s televised future:

“The historic 2020 SAD season saw teams of impassioned leftist freedom fighters all across the country breaking the bonds of pandemic servitude that they themselves demanded in order to meet in the streets and protest for rights that they themselves technically already possessed,” Pitaro mumbled from under Maria Taylor’s stiletto.

“The lack of self-awareness was championship caliber, but the complete departure from reality is what really made the season memorable. These are the kinds of metrics we really appreciate at ESPN, a place where bad decisions instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. When the dust fully settled last year, few people could even recognize this country anymore. And really, what more could you ask for from a protest season? We expect strategic growth in all sectors of the sport—from costumed demonstrations, to freeway sit-ins, to unconstitutional autonomous zones. Wherever there’s an angry victim of exceptional American prosperity, we’ll be there with tongues out to make sure their boots are sparkling. Truly, it’s the absolute least we can do.”

So from all of us in Bristol, please join us next summer as we make activism America’s fifth major sport. The SAD season plans to kick off with a massive crosstown riot between the Portland Drag Queens and the SF Track Marks.

From the SAD league website:

“ a revolution of fears, tears, and character smears—all participants need is a bad attitude and a comically shortsighted understanding of cause and effect. If you’ve always wanted to be a part of something special, but never had the work ethic or talent to make it on your own, then become a SAD athlete. Like a blue chip recruit in Tallahassee, we have free shoes for everyone.”

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This piece was obviously satire. No such league exists, although the media acts like it does. Follow me on Twitter @outkicktommy.