Attn: Old Florida People — Stop Walking Your Dogs By Ponds & Turning Them (And You) Into Dinner For Alligators

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Listen, am I going to get extreme Facebook hate mail for what I’m about to write (like when the 22-foot python ate a grandmother)? 100%. Are people going to call on me to be fired? 100%. Is it sad that an old Florida lady is dead after being ripped apart by an alligator? Definitely. It’s heartbreaking stuff.

Let’s just get right to it:

Hey old people, get your ass away from the Florida ponds while you’re out walking your precious little meat pies that look like big beefy burrito supremes to drunk fat guys at 2 a.m. after they sucked down multiple 23 oz. drafts at Hooters.

I don’t care if Fluffy enjoys taking dumps down by the pond shoreline. I don’t care if you want to feel the grass between your toes like back when you lived around one of the lakes in Angola, Indiana. Get your ass up on the sidewalk or at least like 75 yards away from that water before you are shredded to pieces by a gator like a suburban housewife slicing and dicing a fresh pot of buffalo chicken dip.

Watch this video, old people. I SAID WATCH IT, white hairs! Get your ass and little Meat Pies’ ass away from the ponds.

Why am I so passionate about this subject? Because both of my divorced parents are now Floridians for a majority of the year and they’re getting to the age where they could easily get reckless around the gators. Thankfully, they live in white hair communities that don’t allow residents to have pets.

My biggest fear for my Florida Man Dad and Florida Woman Mom is that they’ll slip up and go Full Florida.

  1. They’ll get reckless and find themselves caught up in some sort of Internet scam where they hand over their pensions to some scumbag “investor.”
  2. Mom will get cocky about knowing some shortcut at the local gator-infested park and she’ll turn into gator bait.
  3. Dad will fall for some Instagram ‘influencer’ who knows a guy who can secure great tickets to a Bengals-Dolphins game.
  4. One of them will end up with a face tattoo.
  5. One of them will end up president of their HOAs.

I know the Boomers don’t like to be reminded to get their asses away from the ponds because they’re Boomers and they’ve got everything handled. Then some granny goes and gets her ass slaughtered by some dinosaur. Or some granny goes and gives away $50k to some phone scammer. Then what, Boomers?

That’s why I’m calling on my readers with parents living in Florida to check in with their parents to make sure they’re not being dumb with their pets. I need you to make sure they’re not hooked up with some “investor” who’s guaranteeing 20% return but you have to give him the entire pension.


Let’s make sure they haven’t lost their damn minds. If that means jumping on an Allegiant flight into Clearwater/St. Pete to install a new camera system to keep track of what’s going on around the property, then so be it.

The last thing you want is for mom or dad to be shipped back to your town to live near you after losing an arm or leg because Fluffy likes to drop deuces out back near the pond.

Written by Joe Kinsey

Joe Kinsey is the Senior Director of Content of OutKick and the editor of the Morning Screencaps column that examines a variety of stories taking place in real America.

Kinsey is also the founder of OutKick’s Thursday Night Mowing League, America’s largest virtual mowing league.

Kinsey graduated from University of Toledo.


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