Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

It’s Tuesday, which means it’s time for the anonymous mailbag, the most popular weekly column on the Internet that doesn’t include nudity. 

You can send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed. 

On to the mailbag:

“My husband has a dilemma regarding his fantasy football league. I told him I knew just the person to contact, so hopefully you can help. Here’s the deal. There are 12 teams in the league, 11 of which are managed by guys. One of the guy’s wife’s also has a team. Her team has traditionally been pretty good, and she usually makes the playoff…until now. As a rule every year the league champion gets to bitch slap the loser of the league. Well guess who is the loser this year. You guessed it…the wife. There is also a legitimate possibility her husband could win the league. We all know domestic violence hasn’t been a good look for the NFL. The question is does it count as domestic violence if a husband slaps his wife as a consequence of losing the FF league?

If so what could they do as a replacement for the bitch slap as a consequence for her being the loser? I’ll hang up & listen.

**Disclaimer: All the people involved are Bammers, so it’s easy to understand why all of this is an issue in the first place.”

He can’t bitch slap his wife. (Nor can anyone else bitch slap his wife.) 

But I think he can paddle her. 

So she should have to bend over and he can smack her ass with a paddle or paddle-like device.

Hate to brag, but am I the greatest problem solver on the planet? Honestly, I’m the King Fucking Solomon of the Internet. 

“I am a happily married man in my 30s with two beautiful young kids, but have always wondered something and knew you were the perfect person to address such a question. How many guys wonder what chance they have of having a three way with their wife and hot sister-in-law, etc.? I ask for this reason- every holiday my family gets together with my wife’s side, including her slightly older, good looking, and overly flirtatious sister. This sister has always been a little wild and overly aggressive when it comes to most situations. Well two years ago the following played out- the SIL is still married, but beginning the divorce process, unbeknownst to me. Anyway, we all spend the night at the house we have Thanksgiving in that year and normally after the kids go down (my wife and I have two, and the sister has 2) we all stay up drinking and talking. Well that night the SIL had quite a bit to drink and was laying on the flirting with me quite thick (touching my leg while laughing, making inappropriate jokes and innuendos towards me when out of earshot of others, etc). Being the good husband I am, but still a male, I flirt back a little for fun but kept it light. Since that time we haven’t seen each other often, but when we do she openly flirts with me and I can tell my wife notices, but she passes it off as her sister just needing a male in her life post-divorce, and I’m the one that can be counted on.

So here’s where my question comes in, we didn’t spend the holidays together last year after the SIL divorce was final, but we’re staying at her house this year. She asked us to bring quite a bit of wine and liquor so that we can “really unwind” after the kids go down. So it led me to this thought- I know my chances of her coming on to me and my wife being drunk enough to recommend a three-way are impossibly slim, probably non-existent, but I still wondered what the odds were (I ended up on a million to one). That led me to this question- what percentage of males go into holidays hoping a SIL, or someone else is plastered enough with their significant other to suggest a three-way? It’s got to be high, right? I mean, if you have a hot wife, then the sister is normally pretty hot as well because of good genetics. It is also the season for people to feel alone and need some love, and for liquor to be flowing so that most of us to cope with in-laws, but how many guys try to figure out their chances? I can’t be the only one out there that has wondered this.”

How many married men think about hooking up with their wife’s hot sister? 100%.

How many admit it? Less than 1%.

How many have actually had a threesome with their wife and their wife’s hot sister? .001%.

Think about this, it’s borderline incest. Would you want to be in a threesome with your brother and his wife? That’s exactly how most women feel about banging a dude with their sister there.   

This is just always bad news.

Speaking of bad news, I “dated” a girl in college whose dad had an affair with his wife’s identical twin sister. This is totally true. Is that the most diabolical move ever? I still can’t believe it happened. Not only did he cheat on his wife, but he did it with her identical twin sister.

I still have no idea how he knew who he was sleeping with. How in the world do you keep the lies consistent when you’re not sure if you’re talking to your wife or her sister? That’s probably how he got caught. 

So the wife found out and STAYED WITH HIM.

He must have had a Steve McNair dick. No other way possible this happens.   

Lucky woman. 

An update for the return of the black elf on a shelf in favor of the white elf on a shelf:

First, thanks for bringing so much awareness to this dilemma. The advice you gave was insightful but the Twitter poll results really sealed the deal for us. 88% of people on Twitter can’t be wrong, and if any drama had ensued at the return desk I was prepared to cite said Twitter poll.

Second, we have a child so we aren’t weirdos as you questioned.

Third, yes, you can open the front of the box. It’s one of those side flap lift up and open jobs, but like I said I never even thought to open it up. Grabbed one that said I’m a boy.

Anyways, operation return- black-elf-for-white-elf went off without much of a hitch, just sheer awkwardness. The barcode for the white one I bought to set up the return of the black one didn’t match, so I tried to play it off like maybe I grabbed the wrong one to return.

Austin, Target Guest Relations Supervisor, tried to find the transaction that matched on my credit card and of course couldn’t. He began to open up the box and asked “Were they the exact same ma’am? Both boys?”
Me: “yes”
As he opened it up my stomach flipped a little.
He smiled coyly and asked as he realized what was happening: “Ma’am, I have to ask? Same skin color?”
Me: (sheepishly) No
He kinda chuckled and said “Okay, I can give you a gift card for the full amount. They never go on sale.”
And that was that.

We now have a white boy elf on the shelf as God intended. And our kid has not given one shit about it yet.

Thanks Clay and thanks America.”

This is such a fantastic story. 

It needs to be in the new season of Curb. 

I love that the different dolls have different bar codes. Isn’t it racist to code the race of the elves differently?

#elflivesmatter

“I matched with/started talking to a girl on Bumble in the middle of the week. We met up drunk one night later in the week and we had a good time so we went out again and things progressed to us watching ‘Battle of the Bastards’ after some drinks (it’s not so surprisingly a real fire starter for girls who like Game of Thrones). The scene came on where SPOILER ALERT Khaleesi gets on Drogon and flies off to light the ships on fire and I casually said, “Damn I love Emilia Clarke.” Harmless right? A beautiful movie star I am never going to meet? The serious response I got was, “Can you not talk about loving other girls in front of me?”

How fast do I run?”

I would never speak to her again once I left the apartment. 

That’s a total deal breaker. This chick has the self esteem of a snail. Only positive thing about this is that she’d definitely do anal the first time you had sex.  

But I would have also been inclined to make this situation even more awkward. So I would have immediately said in response to her, “Can I talk about how much I love Jon Snow or is that unacceptable too? Because if you say it’s unacceptable I’m pretty sure that makes you a homophobe.”

Then if she says that’s okay, which she would, then you follow it up by saying, “So if you had to hook up with a female character on “Game of Thrones,” who would you pick? Because I would most like to have sex with Hodor if I had to pick a guy.”

Either one of two things happens here: 1. she realizes how ridiculous it was to ask you not to talk about Emilia Clarke and shows she has a sense of humor or 2. She’s furious at you, which is even funnier.

Either way you win.  

“I was spending the weekend with this smoke show nurse who rides dressage horses in her spare time (yep, it was as awesome as it sounds) and naturally, we had sex in the barn over the course of the visit. When she took off my pants, she threw them haphazardly towards a stall and they landed in horse shit. When we got back to the house, she washed them for me but I only had the one pair of jeans so I was sitting in this awesome underwear I found which makes your dick look huge. So we’re laying on the couch watching a movie and I’m wearing t-shirt and the aforementioned underwear, when BOTH her mom AND dad come walking in for an UNANNOUNCED visit. It was way too late to scramble to cover, so there was my post-coital dick and balls swaddled like a newborn in all their glory for her parents to see. Out of instinct, I stood to introduce myself, only bringing more attention to the engorged bundle that just defiled their daughter. Embarrassed beyond any comparable level, they left and I followed suit as soon as my pants were dry. The girl called me a couple hours later to say that her mom sent her a text apologizing for walking in (we’re both in our 30’s so it shouldn’t have come as any shock to her parents that she occasionally has sex without them knowing) but also this; “Hope you keep him around, he seemed like A LOT OF MAN.” 

Best Dick Day Ever.” 

The next email you send is going to be about the threesome you had with this chick and her mom. 

“Clay, I am a firefighter/paramedic. Every year we have to take a physical agilities test that tests minimum firefighter related physical abilities. This test has to be passed by everyone in the department within a certain amount of time from chief level down to entry level fireman as a condition to maintain employment.

Well my shift has a supervisor that is little more than a fat piece of shit. He takes credit for things he doesn’t do, he throws people under the bus for little mistakes, he’s scared of fire, which isn’t ideal for a fireman. Anyways, a couple of weeks ago we take our test and the whole time I’m monitoring his time with my phone. I keep thinking that he’s going to fail this test because no way that this cake eating, fat piece of shit is going to pass this test in the allotted time.

Well thankfully I never put money on it because this fat fucker passes the test with forty seconds to spare but here’s the deal, he looks bad. I mean real bad. He’s showing all the classic signs of a heart attack. He’s cold, pale as a sheet, and sweaty as all get out. We hook him up to our cardiac monitor and it looks clean- no heart attack. In a couple of minutes, his color comes back and he’s fine again. Here’s my question- am I a bad guy for being disappointed that my boss wasn’t dying?”

Rooting for someone to die isn’t ideal, but I understand how it happens. 

For instance, don’t you bet every vice president secretly wants the president to die? I mean, you have to pretend you don’t want them to die, but I have to believe that you’re rooting for the president to die.

Think about how much different, for instance, Dan Quayle’s life is if instead of just puking at the state dinner in Japan George Bush, Sr. dies right there.

He’s president.

Forever.

You telling me that Mike Pence isn’t secretly rooting for Trump to die? 

Gotta be. 

Same with the sole survivor who is kept safe during the State of the Union address. That concept is famous now because of the new TV show, but secretly don’t you bet all the sole survivors wanted the capitol to blow up so they could become president?

Of course they were. 

You’re not so much rooting for death as you are rooting for your life to be better, which is probably the number one human instinct. 

So you’re not an awful person, you’re just human. 

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com. 

As always, anonymity will be assured. 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.