Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag to rescue you from work doldrums. 

As always you can send your questions, anonymity guaranteed, to clay.travis@gmail.com.

Here we go:

We got so many questions about Melania’s speech that featured lines from Michelle Obama’s 2008 speech that I thought I needed to address it here even if it isn’t a typical anonymous mailbag question. This is what Donald Trump’s presidential campaign does, he even takes over the anonymous mailbag.

So here are my five hypotheses for what happened in the order of likelihood. 

1. Melania, who speaks five languages, wanted to contribute some lines to the speech herself and Googled other first lady convention speeches.

She then rewrote a portion of Michelle Obama’s speech and brought it to the speech writers as her own contribution because she wanted to be able to say she wrote her own speech. Melania, working in a non-native language on the speech, believed that she had altered the lines enough that no one would notice and that she hadn’t copied them. The lines were then added to the speech without anyone vetting them and the speech writers praised her for how great her additions were. 

I think this is by far the most likely explanation for what happened. 

2. There is a Clinton/Democratic camp mole working in the Trump campaign. 

And that mole intentionally put the Michelle Obama language into the speech as well as the Rick Roll line in there to embarrass the Trump campaign

I mean, it’s just so blatant. 

3. The Trump campaign is such a shitshow that they had no idea what Melania was going to say and rushed the final product without vetting it. 

In a panic, a speech writer who had never written a speech like this before, up late at night and recently having hit a writing brick wall over the stress of the moment, repurposed the language from Michelle Obama’s speech, figuring that no one would notice the similarities to an eight year old speech. 

4. They put the wrong draft, which hadn’t been properly vetted, into the teleprompter and Melania read it as it appeared to her on the screen.

The original address had been modeled after Obama’s close, but the subsequent addresses weren’t as closely aligned and they didn’t believe anyone would notice the original connection.

But Melania read the version that hadn’t received the final edit.

This sounds crazy, but Bill Clinton once showed up to read his State of the Union address and his aides put the wrong speech into the teleprompter, forcing him to wing it, until they corrected their error.    

5. The Trump campaign did this intentionally because they are diabolical masters of publicity and they knew this would get a tremendous amount of attention. 

Following all the criticism of Melania, Trump can accuse the media of being sexist and attacking his wife because she’s foreign. 

Honestly, this is just batshit crazy enough for Trump to decide to do.   

Anyway, these are my five most likely hypotheses. 

The end result, of course, is none of this matters to the general public, but it’s just the latest absurdity in a political season full of them. 

On to the anonymous mailbag.  

“The following happened in high school.

I had recently been rejected by a girl who I thought (in my teenage wisdom) would be the only girl for me ever. So, I did what every guy has done for centuries before me and hooked up with an attractive girl as a sort of emotional band aid. Little did I know, this would only lead to further embarrassment and hurt.

The girl and I had kissed a few times, but nothing serious. One night, she asks me to come over. There are people over, but I can see that look in her eyes. She wants it. As soon as everybody else leaves the room, she proceeds to to hop in top of me. Now, hear me out. I had never done anything with a girl before. Sure, I had kissed girls, but I had never touched a boob, much less had my penis touched. Well, she does it, she touches my penis. The good ‘ole OTPHJ. (Pronounced ote-puj, slang for over-the-pants-hand-job.)

I freak. I recoil. I. Choked. Full-on Volunteers vs. Sooners absolute choke job. But then she said something I will never forget:

“Do you even watch porn?”

Seriously, she said that. I was immediately flooded with all sorts of sexual inadequacy and self doubt. What was I doing?”

She might as well have pulled out a knife and cut your balls off and handed them to you right then and there. 

Not sure how you bounce back from a girl asking you, “Do you even watch porn.?” Especially in high school when you haven’t touched a boob before. 

“Yes,” as your voice cracks, “all the time!”

It’s hard to think of many more emasculating things that she could have said to you, but here are a couple to make you feel better and realize it could have been worse: 

“Is that it?” 

“Your dad is so much better at this.” 

“I’m a 30+ year old, married mother of one and a fairly new reader of the mailbag. The question I have arose while on a recent vacation to the beach. Whether it was due to the intense heat or frequent wearing of wet bathing suits, my butt totally broke out. Now, I am a very insecure person when it comes to “sexy time” and my body- despite being married for over 8 years and being in decent shape. My question is, do men actually notice/care about all of these insecurities that we have? (Love handles, cellulite, hairy legs, butt pimples, bad breath, morning breath…etc) Does this affect how you perceive us and our overall sex appeal? I figured I’d ask you, since I can’t trust my husbands obviously biased answers.”

I speak for all married men when I say this — you notice your “issues” infinitely more than we do. 

I mean, it’s not even a close comparison.  

Unless you were having sex with your husband on a well-lit operating table and spent the entire time on your stomach — I mean the whole time, not just part of it — there is a 0% chance he noticed your butt got pimples. Especially since, if you were on the beach, he was probably drunk most of the time you guys were having vacation sex.

Ladies, worry less about your bodies.

Have you seen what your husbands look like naked? 

“Let me preface by saying I’m a highly educated, good looking, successful, 25-year old male. Long story short: I have recently found myself talking to an 18-year old chick who graduated from high school a couple months ago – we’ve known of one another for a long time. Acknowledging the awful optics of the situation that I never thought I’d be in (and would make fun of any other bro for being in), I still find myself very smitten of this chick and I just can’t help it. She checks all the boxes.

She’s about to go to college two states away, while I continue the professional grind. I haven’t been one to get in hardly any serious relationships in my life and have a difficult time seeing myself married pre-30. With this girl, obviously full-blown dating isn’t feasible in the short term – any advice for staying on quality terms as I view her as the “marriable” material once she gets older? Or do I just cut ties until she hits 21-22 and revisit the situation if things are right? Or am I just a fucking creepy, idiot loser altogether here?”

A seven year gap between a guy and a girl isn’t a big deal at all once a girl graduates from college, but, my god, it’s a huge gap right now. When you are a freshman in college someone who is 25 seems positively ancient. What’s more, your daily lives have absolutely nothing in common.  

Even if this girl was in the same town as you, you can’t date her and show up for her sorority formal when she’s 19 and you’re 26. I mean, you can, and every 26 year old guy will be tremendously jealous of you, but you can’t do this and be normal.

This is just weird.  

That’s why you have to be friends with this girl and be the cool older dude in her life. Text with her, stay in contact, but don’t suffocate her, just be a normal dude. And be more mature than the idiot guys she’s seeing on campus. You have a job and a house and a car and you represent stability. Whatever you do, don’t end up talking on the phone with her about the 18 year old guys she’s dating and consoling her when she inevitably breaks up with them. 

What’s the best way to manage playing it cool — sleep with lots of other girls so you aren’t obsessing over your 18 year old dream girl. You’re 25, good looking and successful. You should be texting with a minimum of 20 girls you’re trying to sleep with at all times.

My bet is that part of what you like about this teenage girl isn’t just her, but the fact that she’s in college. You’re probably missing your own college years. 

Join the club.   

“As a lifelong South Carolina football fan, last year’s 3-9 campaign was full of low points. Well, the lowest point of the season (and maybe my life) came on Saturday, November 21, 2015. For those who do not know this was the day the Gamecocks lost to the I-AA Citadel Bulldogs.

The day couldn’t have started any better, great weather, great tailgate, and hopefully getting that elusive 4th win. Right before it was time to head into the game my buddy let me know that he had an extra ticket to the suites where there would be all the food and alcohol you could drink and that the ticket was all mine. As The Citadel continued to rack up yards on our subpar defense, the drinks began to rack up as well and the next thing I know I am on the verge of blacking out. As the clock struck zero, along with any brain activity I had left it was time to head out. Full of sadness we ventured to 5 Points.

Somewhere along the way I met up with a girl who had a “nice personality” and ended up back at her place, where some messing around ensued. Not really sure how I got there because the last thing I remembered until this point was trying to fist bump the President of the University and the guitarist for Hootie and the Blowfish at the game. In the middle of the night the drinks decided to fight back and I stumbled through unknown territory into the bathroom to puke. The puking ended up being so violent that I actually ended up shitting my pants. Drunk and scared I decided that the best move was to toss my shit boxers into her kitchen trash can.

I awoke the next morning unaware of what I had done the night before until I heard someone cleaning in the kitchen. Once I heard the trash can open and a long pause, I remembered. This poor girl had found my shit boxers.

So let me know Clay, what should the move have been here? Should I have left as soon as the shart occurred? Thrown the boxers out the window and played them off as someone else?” 

Once you shit your boxers in a girl’s house, condo, or apartment, you have to throw them outside into the yard. You can’t try and hide them in the house, apartment or condo because those things will stink and be discovered.

Girls have noses like bloodhounds. They can smell anything. It’s a scientific fact — in my mind at least — that girls can smell 14x as good as men can smell. This is why the only chore most men have in the house is to take out the garbage. 

Sure, it’s possible that the home is alarmed and when you go outside to throw the boxers as far as you can — as I’ve said before, you need to Jamarcus Russell those shit boxers as far as you possibly can — the alarm goes off and you get busted, but that’s a small risk. The further the shit boxers are from you, the less likely she blames you. If you’re in an apartment complex, you can can even get bold the next morning and point out the boxers to her. “Wow, looks like somebody had a wild night.”

Bang, you’re clear.  

Again, big lesson from the anonymous mailbag — when or if you poop your underwear or boxers you have to abandon the boxers and create as much distance between yourself and the pants as is humanly possible. This goes for both sexes. 

Godspeed. 

(Also, if your friends don’t all own Citadel shirts that they occasionally wear out to make fun of you, you need new friends.)

“A friend of mine from college now lives in Cancun for his job. He just messaged me to let me know he is getting married in a month. He invited me down. My wife can’t go because of work so she said I could go by myself if I find a reasonable price on airfare and lodging, which I already have found. Here is the dilemma: after more messaging with my friend he tells me the wedding isn’t actually in Cancun but in his future wife’s hometown which is either a 3 hour drive through the jungle (paved road) or a 45 minute prop plane ride. I feel obligated to go because he came up to my wedding in the US when he was living in Uruguay at the time, but going to a small town in the middle of Mexico seems ridiculous. Do I take advantage of the Mexico hall pass and go, or is this too much leg work to go to my friend’s wedding? Is this a snobby attitude?

Another friend said go to Cancun but just stay there for a few days, party, and then tell my wife my flight to the other town was cancelled.”

You have to suck it up and go for the drive into the Mexican jungle. Provided, that is, that it’s a safe part of Mexico. You don’t want to get kidnapped by a drug lord and get decapitated on the way to the wedding.

If the wedding is somewhat near Cancun then you’ll probably be fine. 

Can you imagine the stories from a Mexican wedding? Do you speak Spanish at all? Is it possible that you’re one of the only people there who’s a gringo? Hell, I’d kill for an opportunity to write about this experience. Because it definitely ends with you drinking Mezcal in a Mexican whorehouse. 

Regardless, you can’t take this trip and stay in Cancun and not go to the wedding at all.

You either don’t go to Mexico or you don’t go to the wedding.

Plus, if you go to Mexico and hang out by yourself, how much fun is a solo vacation? That gets boring pretty fast.  

“I’ve got to unburden myself of not one, but two, fan faux paus.

1. I was a season ticket holder at Tennessee in 1998…THE season of our lifetimes, right? (I’m 48). I went to all the home games and to away games at Auburn and the SECCG. But…I was so mad when we failed to convert on fourth down in the Arkansas game that I yelled, “Fuck!” as loud as I could and stormed out of the stadium. About halfway down, I heard a huge roar and was immediately ashamed of leaving. I had been sitting in the upper deck of the north end zone so I wasn’t out of the stadium yet. However, I missed “the fumble”. I managed to see Travis Henry run through the Arkansas defense to score the winning TD, but I didn’t deserve to see it. However, I admitted my lack of faith to all my fellow Vol fan friends and have been chastised (deservedly so) for years over it.

2. In 2013, my son was on an unofficial baseball recruiting trip to Auburn for the “Prayer at Jordan Hare” game. We had great seats for the catch. However, we had already left. I hate UGA and couldn’t stand to see them win. Of course, they didn’t. But, we weren’t even back to our car and had no idea what had happened. Once we heard it on the radio, I made both my wife and son promise to never tell a soul that we had missed that play. To this day, we don’t speak of that game…only the trip. Auburn didn’t offer my son a scholarship either and I’ve always suspected that they saw us leave early and punished us all!

I’ve got to be the only person in the world (besides my wife, who couldn’t care less) who was at BOTH of those games and missed BOTH of those plays, right??”

Never. Leave. Early. 

I’m always blown away by the old white men — and they’re always old white men — who will sit for an entire football game and then bail with two minutes left in a tie game to beat the traffic. 

What the hell was the point of coming to the game if you left before you knew how it was decided?

I mean, this happens at every game I’ve ever been to, old white dudes go sprinting up the aisle to get out before the traffic. Look, I hate traffic too, but once you make the decision to actually go to the game, I don’t see how you bail early. If you don’t like traffic just stay at home and watch the game in perfect HD.

Leaving early if you think the game is over is much more defensible than leaving early to beat traffic no matter what the score is.  

Honestly, I choose not to go to games quite a bit now. I have just as much fun watching a game on television as I do being there, often more. Plus, I know the wifi will work so I can interact with you guys as soon as a game ends. 

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed. 

We’ll be live tonight with our Outkick Show after the RNC. Who the hell knows what scandal will happen tonight? It’s must see television! 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.