Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. 

Reminder that you can email any question to clay.travis@gmail.com and anonymity is assured. 

In other news, Outkick the Show continues to kill it. Here is yesterday’s show discussing the Oscars, Donald Trump’s small hands, what the Titans should do with the number one pick, gambling tips from OddsShark, and the naked NFL combine in audio only and also with Facebook video.

Outkick the Show talking Oscars, combine, Kiffin divorce & Trump.

Posted by Clay Travis on Monday, February 29, 2016

Tonight’s show will be a primetime special reacting to Super Tuesday results. So GO VOTE! 

Here we go with the anonymous mailbag:

“Did you see Stephanie Tanner’s boobs on the Full House reunion show? Sweet mother of Christ. As a seven-year old I had a huge childhood crush on Stephanie Tanner. Now she returns to my life but with giant-ass awesome titties. My girlfriend is weirded out with how much I want to watch the rest of the episodes, which are otherwise awkward and pathetic. Am I weird for liking her boobs so much?”

HOW RUDE of your girlfriend. 

The number of anonymous mailbag readers clicking on the above link? 100%. Like every single one of you clicked. I’ve never even heard of the Decider website before and Outkick just sent tens of thousands of people storming the gates of that website to look at pictures of Stephanie Tanner’s boobs. 

These boobs are a national treasure. Especially when you consider Stephanie Tanner spent most of her 20’s addicted to crystal meth. Hell of a bounce back performance for these boobs. 

Between Alyssa Milano, Tiffani Amber-Thiessen, Punky Brewster, and Lindsay Lohan lots of great boobs came out of childhood TV.  

“Got a situation and would appreciate your thoughts. I’m in my late 30s and have been single a long time. For the past couple of years I’ve been getting a massage about once a week. After a few visits, my masseuse asked if I would like a “release”.  Every visit since has included a happy ending. I should add she doesn’t give me a BJ or anything, strictly a handy. And this isn’t some sleazy massage parlor, she is a licensed masseuse working in a legit spa. I have no idea how many of her other clients, if any, receive this extra service. I’ve never asked. 

I recently started dating someone and it’s going well. At some point I know she will want us to be exclusive. She knows about my massage appointments but has no idea about the happy ending. My question is: how creeped out do you think the average woman would get if she knew about this?  And second, is there any way this isn’t cheating if I continue to get an occasional massage?”

This reminds me of the “Curb Your Enthusiam” when Larry stops his masseuse after two pumps and they discuss whether it’s cheating.

I’ve never even gotten a massage before, but this definitely has me wondering what does this thing cost? And is it that common? (I mean for actual licensed masseuses to do this, not for people in tinted window massage parlors on the side of the road). 

And what you just asked me was this — would your girlfriend be creeped out if you told her that your masseuse has been jerking you off every week for a couple of years? Yes, she definitely would. But most guys are going to think this is awesome. So at least you have that going for you.  

It’s probably cheating, but you make this sound so clinical that I feel like she would give you a doctor’s note and claim it’s entirely therapeutic. I mean, it’s not like you have a relationship with this woman.  

This may sound strange, but I think if you get an occasional massage it feels more like cheating to me than if you just keep getting the same weekly massage you’ve been getting for the past couple of years. The reason is simple — if you get an occasional massage you’re getting it entirely for the happy ending. But if you keep getting the weekly massage then it’s just a part of your existing health routine. 

Regardless of what decision you end up making, I would not discuss the years of happy endings you’ve been getting with your new girlfriend. 

“How far would the average law-abiding adult male drive knowing he will have successfully have sex with a consenting adult female.

I came up with what I believe is a workable formula based on the amount of time that has lapsed since last having sex:

Sexless Weeks x 25 = Distance in Miles

For every sexless week that passes I believe ANY male would drive at minimum 25 miles if he knew he could successfully score.

Adding time to it, after no sex for a month, I think I would totally drive 100-125 miles. If I didn’t have sex for a year, I would probably drive 1,300 miles.

Would you take the over/under on the 25 miles in this formula? Should the formula have a curve in it to go beyond 25 after 3 month, 6 month thresholds?”

I think the most important detail in your formula isn’t included. Namely, how hot is the girl? Because I think that’s a bigger driving force than lack of sex. For instance, if I told your average guy reading this right now — regardless of how much sex he has recently had — that Charlotte McKinney, the woman pictured above, would sleep with you if you drove to where she is. I think most guys would drive at least 1000 miles to sleep with her. That’s a 14 hour trip averaging 70 miles an hour.

Certainly if you take driving yourself out of the equation and you can fly, there are lots of dudes who would fly to Australia to sleep with her. Hell, there are probably some dudes reading this right now who have flown to Australia to meet up with a hot girl.

So I think hotness of the girl factors in more than the distance or length of time without sex. Lack of sex would also be a factor, but hotness is the number one motivation by far.  

“Clay,“

My boyfriend and I have gotten into a disagreement over a particular incident that happened to my roommate, and need you to be the arbiter.

My roommate is a very attractive 23 year old, with a great job living in Chicago. However, unfortunately for her, she hasn’t been laid in quite a while. Recently, I’ve notice this dry spell has been taking a toll on her because she has been getting more and more desperate. From going out with guys that are below her usual standards, to calling ex-boyfriends that still live in the city. However, this past week, she took it to a whole new level, and things took a dramatic turn for the worse.

Tuesday morning while we were getting ready for work, she reluctantly tells me she invited someone to come over tonight. After what seemed like hours of digging, she finally reveals the name of her soon to be booty call….and it was worse than what I had ever imagined. She didn’t just invite some ex-boyfriend, she invited her HIGH SCHOOL SLAM PIECE over. To make matters worse, he doesn’t live in Chicago, he lives in (city redacted), which is a FOUR HOUR DRIVE each way, all so that they could do the deed.

Now he was fully aware of what the expectations were, so he drove all the way to Chicago under the presumption that he would be getting laid. Once he got to the city we all went to dinner, and I’ll tell you what, that might have been the most painfully awkward meal I have ever experienced. This is a guy that we haven’t really conversed with for the past six years! Aside from him pestering my roommate with texts, neither of us have really spoken to him since high school.

Once dinner was over we went back to the apartment and they went to her room, and I assumed this was the end of the night. To my surprise, about five minutes later, my roommate appears from her room, sits down next to me and says “I couldn’t do it”. Not only did she stop things before the ball even got rolling, but she ended up sleeping in my bed and made him sleep alone!

The next morning we all went about our business going to work while he was still asleep, because we assumed he would just wake up and drive home. 

When she got home from work that night, she noticed her sexiest bra (one she didn’t wear the night before) was laying in the middle of her bed. When she got closer, she realized it was covered in HIS CUM. He actually went through her drawers, picked a bra and JERKED OFF ON IT before he left to get back at her!

Personally, I find this absolutely disgusting but my boyfriend seems to think that she deserved it since he drove 8 hours round trip expecting to get laid and was left blue balled. Is this acceptable behavior, what is your ruling, oh wise gay Muslim?”

This is totally unacceptable, psycho behavior.

I can’t believe your boyfriend is arguing with you about this. 

Sure, the guy is upset over the drive and resulting lack of sex, but how is he going to handle marriage? Which is basically one long “Groundhog Day” lifestyle of no sex when you think you might get sex.

Your roommate clearly made the right call by not sleeping with him. Moreover, you yourself said the dinner was the most awkward in your life. He’s blaming your roommate, but this guy may well have blown it himself. He had a girl who wanted to sleep with him — ON A TUESDAY NIGHT — and the dinner went so badly she couldn’t bring herself to do it. That’s on him. 

Hypothesis: Absent a direct request for packing reasons or an unexpected emergency that requires new underwear: there is no point in time when a man should be going through a woman’s underwear or bras.

None.

Zero.

It’s just impossible to do this and not be really weird. 

I’ve been married 11 years and if my wife came home one day and found me going through her bras and underwear, it would be creepy as hell. If I jerked off on a bra and left it on the bed so she could see it this would be grounds for divorce.   

Your friend needs to delete this guy’s contact information and never speak with him again. As for your boyfriend, get a padlock for your underwear drawer.  

Am I taking crazy pills here or is everyone not in agreement with me? I don’t even see this as a remotely difficult call. 

“I am truly needing your expert advice on this. I used to be pretty wild in my 20s. Just typical single 20s guy stuff while in college. I graduated from college with a pharmacy degree and met my wife, a nurse, at the hospital where we both began working directly out of college. She is/was Mormon. She did not force me to join the church, but did encourage me. I joined shortly after we were married and it has been the second best decision of my life next to marrying her.

But this change in lifestyle poses a potential problem for an upcoming bachelor party for one of my best buddies growing up. I still hang out with all of my old friends. They still act the same as they always have. They have accepted and respected my decision to not drink/smoke/go to strip clubs up until now. However, there have been no bachelor parties since I made the change. They are planning on going to Nashville next month and obviously want me to come along. I have never gone on a trip with them without my wife and I’m not sure what to do. Seems like anytime they go anywhere, someone ends up in jail. I really don’t feel comfortable about going because 1) I want to uphold my values and 2) I have a legal obligation to stay out of trouble. I don’t want to hurt the groom’s feelings by not going. (I’m a groomsman) I guess my question is, can I respectfully decline going on the trip without all of my buddies getting their feelings hurt?” 

So here’s my deal in general — I respect religion, but I’m not an absolutist on anything. I understand that you have embraced Mormanism to the hilt, but you also understand that lots of Mormons still drink and go to strip clubs, right? That is, your embrace of religion doesn’t have to be absolute in order for you to still be a strong Mormon. 

If you were saying you had an addiction to alcohol — that is you were an alcoholic and you had to quit — I would advise you not to put yourself in this situation, but here you’ve just made a lifestyle choice. Now you have to decide which lifestyle choice to make when it comes to the bachelor party. I can’t tell you what to do going forward, but if you’re truly never going to drink or carouse again, don’t you think you need new friends? Whether it’s a bachelor party or the Super Bowl or March Madness, at some point aren’t your friends going to want you to do the things with them that helped to make you friends in the first place? If you can’t do that because of your religion, you can’t keep canceling plans with them forever. Eventually that conflict is unavoidable. 

(By the way, the second part of this, if you’re in your mid to late 20’s and you can’t go on a bachelor party without getting arrested then go to Mexico. It’s impossible to get arrested for anything there. I kid, I kid, but really, Mexico. Go there.)  

I’m a moderate when it comes to everything. I was raised a Southern Baptist Christian, but I’ve never thought Jesus was up in heaven putting a negative mark on your score sheet every time you jerk off or have impure, lustful thoughts. If He is, then this would make Jesus the most perverted dude ever. Because all he would do all day long is keep a jerk off chart. (There’s like a billion Christian jerk offs a day, this would be a superhuman effort to keep up with standing alone). Also, I’ve thought about this when you arrive at the pearly gates, wouldn’t it take forever if all of your jerk offs are itemized as sins? I hate lines already, I’d be so impatient waiting to get into heaven while every jerk off is read into your sin book.

Good luck with your decision, I’d counsel moderation in all respects.   

“I see a lot of emails from guys (and gals) about the lack of sex they are having in a married relationship with small kids.  Well I have a solution that will help get a little more sex for them. Take your spouse on a vacation without the kids.

First a little background on us. We are both mid 30s, have 2 kids under 7 that are a time drain (especially now that they are starting activities), both work 40+ hours a week, and have been married close to 10 years. Most nights we don’t get any alone time until about 9:30 or 10:00 and by then we are both worn out. All things being equal, on average we have sex ~1.5 times a week, which I am ok with. 

Since we live in a Big Ten state, our winters suck. So pre-kids we started taking a vacation every February to a warm destination to escape the shitty weather. Once we started having kids, we realized that we needed to vacation without them to stay sane, so we started going to adults only (non-swingers, not that there is anything wrong with that) all-inclusive resorts in Mexico/Jamaica/Dominican Republic.

Let me tell you, getting your wife there for 5 or 6 days with no kids, having her be pampered all day, and all the alcohol she can drink makes her (or at least mine) horny as hell.  We’ll have sex 2 or 3 times a day at these places.  And not just run of the mill sex, but drunk sex, sex in the shower, sex on the balcony, and “put it in places I don’t normally get to put it” sex.  It is amazing.  And my wife has even started to refer to these February vacations as “sex week”.

Now I know there is some cost involved that not everyone can handle (~$1800/person air+resort), but it is so worth it if you can have an experience like I get to have.  Hell, y’all in the south can probably just drive to some beach locale and stay at a hotel on the beach for a few days and not have to worry about the flight cost.

And yes, a lot of this email is a huge humble brag.”

Disney is going to be so pissed about the state of Florida’s new advertising slogan: “Your wife will fuck you here. (If you leave the kids at home.)”

…

The anonymous mailbag runs every Tuesday on Outkick. You can email your questions, anonymity guaranteed, to clay.travis@gmail.com