Not-So-Common Marriage Advice & Which States Are The Freakiest On Valentine's Day?

Last week, my husband and I celebrated our third anniversary — 1,095 days of wedded bliss. Well, we probably got on each other's nerves a couple of those days. But mostly it's been bliss.

But because I've been married for three whole years now, I'm pretty much an expert, right? Obviously. 

So for those of you who haven't yet taken the plunge into matrimony, I'm here to share with you exactly what you need to know before you put a ring on it. And I don't mean the normal, boring advice. 

When you know, you know, marry your best friend, love, respect, communication, trust, blah blah blah.

All of those things are important, sure, but any old self-help book can tell you that. So I'm offering the insight all the other "Dear Abby" hacks forget to mention. Let's dive in.

Sex doesn't stop when you get married.

Nay, sex stops when you have kids.

OK, let me back up.

There's an old, tired trope that once you get married, you're doomed to a prudish life of no orgasms or rare monthly two-minute missionaries. And I'm here to tell you that's simply not true. It's a lie perpetuated by unhappy people projecting their misery onto the masses and by sitcom writers who are out of ideas.

Don't let those people scare you.

I'd argue that not only does sex happen just as frequently after "I do," it also gets better. The longer you're together, the better you know each other's bodies, likes, dislikes, what makes each other tick. More time together means more places to visit, more hotel rooms to christen, more opportunities to try new things, the list goes on.

Your sex life only gets boring if you let it get boring. Or — I'm told — if you have kids.

My husband and I don't have children, but I'm not ignorant to the fact that parenting is time-consuming and exhausting. Rewarding, of course. But still time-consuming and exhausting. So yeah, you're probably not going to be getting it on as often with newborns crying and toddlers running around.

But don't blame the institution of marriage for your ruined sex life. And quit trying to scare newlyweds into thinking they're never going to get laid again.

Your spouse's exercise habits, diet and lifestyle should mirror your own.

Or at least be somewhat similar.

My husband and I are both grilled-chicken-and-broccoli-eating gym rats who spend our days off in the woods. Either one of us would be absolutely insufferable to a person who requires weekly pizza nights and prefers to relax on vacation rather than hike up mountains.

It's kind of like coming from a family who drinks breakfast mimosas on holiday mornings but marrying into a family that runs 5Ks. Sure, you can make it work, but someone is not going to enjoy their Thanksgiving.

RELATED: Readers Dish On All Things Wedding & Why My Own Wedding Party Needed Medical Attention

About a year ago, one of my girlfriends — we'll call her Kate — became smitten with a man she met on a dating app who had chiseled abs and a rock-hard physique. She was practically salivating every time she was around him. A couple of months later, after the novelty wore off, Kate complained to me about the two hours a day he spent in the gym and the fact that he absolutely refused to skip for any reason. She was also bummed that he always ate out of Tupperware and never wanted to partake in Taco Tuesday and $5 margaritas at her favorite Mexican place.

I said, "Kate, babe, how do you think he got those abs?"

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Of course, there are plenty of people who work out and still enjoy good food and booze. And people who don't exercise at all. Or people who are (shudders) vegans. Whatever. I'm just saying you have to be down with their lifestyle ahead of time. And it's pretty vital (for your own sanity and scheduling) that your lifestyle matches. Or at the very least, you're supportive.

But if your spouse joining in on Taco Tuesdays is important to you, then maybe drop the expectation that he or she will be built like an ancient Greek statue.

It's very helpful to like the same TV shows.

Last year at the company Christmas party, the great Ronnie T-Shirts said to me, "When you get to my age, you'll learn a big part of marriage is just getting through the day so you can finally watch TV together."

I'm paraphrasing, but it was something like that.

And while I don't live every day with the sole purpose of watching TV at night, my husband and I do find ourselves on the couch together most evenings. So, it's pretty important we can agree on what to watch.

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There's something oddly comforting about having "your shows." The ones you refuse to watch without the other person. The ones you save for the end of the day because that's your time.

But that's tough if one of you loves historical documentaries and the other thinks the Kardashians and strangers hooking up on an island are peak storytelling. If your tastes are wildly different, you have to find a compromise.

For example, I am less than enchanted by action films. So in our house, we celebrate "Action Movie Wednesday." Whenever my husband discovers a new kaboom-shoot-’em-up he wants to watch together, it waits until Wednesday. And anytime I find a campy, melodramatic thriller inspired by a book series… he suddenly needs to clean the garage.

See? Compromise.

You aren't glued to each other.

Unless you found the cave from that very weird movie starring the other Franco brother. In which case, thoughts and prayers.

I digress.

I just spent all that time telling you why you and your spouse should be the same, and now I'm going to remind you that you are, in fact, two completely separate individuals. You share your life together, yes. But you have your own lives, too.

We all have a friend or two who got married, only never to be seen or heard from again (Not in a weird, murder-y, mysterious disappearance way – I mean, like, they spend all their time with their spouse and abandon all contact with their friends and former social lives).

Wives have this bad rap as "the ol' ball and chain" who won't let their husbands golf on Saturdays or whatever, but it goes both ways. One time I asked a newly married friend if she wanted to go to happy hour with me — a little girls' night to celebrate the end of a long week.

She texted back — and I quote — "No, that would be disrespectful to Wayne."

…Uh. What? 

I said, "Well sh*t, Olivia, I had planned on us stripping naked and hurling ourselves at every man in the restaurant, but I guess we can just split a bottle of wine and some pasta if your husband's gonna be uptight about it."

You'll be shocked to know I haven't seen her since. The "ol' ball and Wayne" got to her. 

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If you can't trust your spouse to be out of your sight for a couple of hours, then you probably shouldn't have married that person in the first place. It is very fine and healthy — encouraged, actually — to have different hobbies and a social circle that doesn't always include your husband or wife.

I look forward to my weekly book club, where I go drink beer and yap with my girlfriends. My husband finds peace out at the gun range or hanging out with his buddies. Sometimes, when my husband can't take off work, I go visit my parents in Florida while he stays at home with the dog. And he may be my favorite person in this universe, but I still love a quiet, empty house to myself from time to time.

You get the idea.

Give each other room to breathe. You do not have to be up each other's asses. Unless you're into that sort of thing.

Agree? Disagree? Does anyone who's actually been married for a long time have something to add? Email me at Amber.Harding@outkick.com and let me know.

Let's open the mailbag.

Yet Another Valentine's Day Reminder

In my last column, I provided you with A Man's Foolproof Guide To Not Screwing Up Valentine's Day — where I attempted to give the fellas a 2-week heads-up on ordering flowers, making dinner reservations and procuring gifts for the women in their lives.

Despite my best efforts, though, I know some of you are still going to procrastinate and end up perusing the seasonal section at Walgreens on February 14. Last-minute panic buying.

In fact, let me share with you an absurd statistic. DoorDash dug into its 2025 data and found that 80% of all flower orders on the platform happened on Valentine's Day. Like, on the day itself. With orders peaking around 9-10 a.m.

Guys. Let's do better.

Jon C. Writes: Valentine’s Day was taken care of well in advance thanks to the men’s UT basketball schedule having a home game that night. Now before everyone thinks this purely benefits me, it was my wife’s idea to get football and basketball season tickets when we moved to Knoxville years ago. 

I did make reservations to one of her favorite restaurants for earlier in the week. Now I just need to pick up some flowers.

Amber:

You're crushing it, Jon. And a woman who loves the Tennessee Vols is a gem in my book.

Caitlin K. Writes: Been leaving my husband cute, subtle hints for V-Day… like printing out your article and circling "massage" in red ink.

Tyler B. Writes: I always love your gift guides. I took your advice a couple years ago and got my wife a night by herself in a hotel for Mother's Day (well the day after Mother's Day I mean), and did it again this past year. You'd think she was going to Disney World. 

READ: Mother’s Day Gift Guide: What Moms Really Want (And What They Don’t)

Amber:

I certainly wouldn't recommend this gift for Valentine's Day (because she's going to wonder why you're trying to get rid of her on the most romantic night of the year), but I can't even count how many moms have told me that all they want for Mother's Day is a night alone in a hotel. It's not that she doesn't love you or the kids, it's that moms of young children rarely get a minute to themselves. So a whole night to relax, watch trash TV, read or soak in the tub completely uninterrupted is heaven.

Again — not for Valentine's Day — but if you want to really wow her with this gift, pack her a little bag of snacks, her favorite bottle of wine, a book and food delivery gift card before she leaves for the hotel. Brownie points for an eternity, I'm telling you. But we can get into all of that when we get closer to Mother's Day.

Brad S. Writes: So you're saying I shouldn't gift the awesome Mrs. S a Kardashian merkin for the big day? Always looking for guidance...

Amber:

For those who don't know what a merkin is (and I'm actually hoping that's most of you), Brad is referring to the faux pubic hair thongs sold by Kim Kardashian's underwear brand, SKIMS.

You know what, Brad? Please do buy these for Mrs. S for Valentine's Day. And then update us on her reaction.

Which State Gets The Freakiest For Valentine's Day?

Spoiler alert: it's Nevada.

Although I feel like they should be left out of this sort of study — what with the prostitutes and all. No offense to prostitutes or anything, but if we're gathering data on which state buys the most rubbers, it's sort of a no-brainer.

Anyway, DoorDash ranked "the most intimate states in America," based on per-capita orders for condoms, lube and vibrators during Valentine's Day week in 2025.

Turns out, all the northern states really need to step up their game. OR the God-fearing, self-respecting folks of the Great Plains simply prefer to fetch their own K-Y Jelly rather than have it delivered by a 19-year-old kid in a Honda Civic.

(Credit: DoorDash)

Utah, though?! I'm sorry, Mormons, I was unfamiliar with your game.

Happy Ending: I Can't Believe It's Not Bulldog

There's a very popular trend in modern weddings where couples include a custom figurine of their dog on their wedding cake. Bonus points if you smudge its snoot with icing as if it took a little nibble.

Exhibit A: my own wedding cake…

So I'm not ashamed to say it was imperative that our dog be incorporated somehow into our wedding. And we certainly aren't the only ones.

I've seen plenty of dogs-on-cakes. I've also seen dogs as ring bearers, "first looks" with brides and their dog, pictures of dogs on bouquets and even a dog first dance. 

But a doggy butter sculpture? That is a new one.

I guess you could say these two found their… butter half.

(I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself.)

Womansplaining is a column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships.

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