Woolly Mammoth Meatballs, Soccer Ball Gender Reveals, Sneaky Ways To Hide Your Wine & Animals Giving Hugs

Hello world and Happy Tuesday!

Now that we are a whopping 50 days into Nightcaps, I feel like we've gotten to know each other pretty well. So I can be honest with you, right?

I live in Murfreesboro, Tenn. — just outside of Nashville. After yesterday's events, it feels like there's a dark cloud over our city. Everything feels heavy and sad. Our community is hurting.

I came so close to texting my editor and asking if someone else could write Nightcaps today. I wasn't feeling very funny or sarcastic. Definitely not in the mood to mock politicians or make fun of celebrities.

But then I saw something that changed my perspective. I saw the bodycam footage of the police officers who, without hesitation, raced toward the gunfire yesterday and saved countless innocent lives. It's a reminder that there is still so much bravery and good in the world.

We aren't saving any lives here at Nightcaps. But for those out there who are mourning, I hope we can at least give you an escape, a reason to smile — even if for only a few minutes.

So pour yourself your beverage of choice and raise it up for the brave men and women of MNPD and for the families affected by yesterday's tragedy.

Together, we'll keep on pushing. Just like this kid.

Would you eat a woolly mammoth meatball?

Yep, we're kicking this one off in the most ridiculous way possible.

An Australian food firm has cooked up a meatball from the resurrected flesh of a baby woolly mammoth.

The company, called Vow, cultivates cells from the biopsies of unconventional animals in an effort to create more sustainable types of meat. They've done these experiments on more than 50 different exotic species, including alpacas and peacocks.

But given that the woolly mammoth has been extinct for 10,000 years, this one was a bit trickier.

Luckily, some gold diggers in Canada (actual gold diggers, not the kind Kanye sings about) accidentally unearthed a 30,000-year-old mummified woolly mammoth baby back in June.

And you thought that meat in the back of your freezer was sketchy.

Scientists took the DNA sequence for mammoth myoglobin and then filled in the missing gene links with the DNA of an elephant. Then they put it all into some sheep stem cells to replicate and BAM!

Stick a toothpick in this tasty morsel.

"We chose the woolly mammoth because it’s a symbol of diversity loss and a symbol of climate change," Vow co-founder Tim Noakesmith said.

Eye roll. Must have been all those people driving around gas-guzzling SUVs during the Ice Age!

But anyway, no one is actually supposed to eat the meatball, which entirely defeats the purpose of cooking a meatball.

"We haven’t seen this protein for thousands of years," bioengineering scientist Ernst Wolvetang said. “So we have no idea how our immune system would react when we eat it."

Personally, I recommend getting your protein the old fashioned way: with a shotgun in the woods. Or from the butcher at Kroger, which requires slightly less effort.

Because if the "Jurassic Park" movies taught us anything, it's that we should just leave some things in the ground where they belong.

And also there's this:

USMNT celebrates a gender reveal on the field.

If there's anything (other than zombie viruses) that needs to be put in the ground and never revived, it's gender reveal parties.

It's all gotten completely out of hand. And I promise no one cares about your baby's genitalia except for you.

Have we learned nothing from the couple who burned down half of California just to tell their family whether they were painting the nursery pink or blue?

And maybe if you people would quit burning forests where animals live, scientists wouldn't have to make meatballs in labs!

But I digress.

Not as egregious as setting trees on fire, but equally as nauseating: Matt Turner (the goalie for the U.S. Men's National Team) decided to subject his teammates and everyone in the stands to a gender reveal of his own.

As he kicked the tiny ball and pick dust splattered into the air, everyone cheered. His teammates surrounded him, jumped up and down and doused him with their water bottles like he just saved the would-be game-winning goal in the World Cup Final.

His wife cried tears of joy, and the groundskeeper cried tears of, "Thanks a lot, dude, I'm going to be here all night cleaning this up."

Only in America.

Matt and his wife Ashley might be the most basic Instagram couple I've ever seen.

Just scroll through these photos:

But I'm currently planning my dog's 14th birthday party this weekend, so who am I to talk?

By the way, Matt and Ashley just had a baby in June 2022. So at this rate, he's got about nine or 10 months to figure out how to top this gender reveal for baby #3.

Now, let's pivot from my least favorite thing (gender reveals) to my most favorite thing (wine).

Woman Channels Her Inner Jesus At A Music Festival

We all hate waiting in the concessions line at concerts and sporting events. You go get a beer and you miss a huge play! Or your favorite song!

I mean, could we just go without the booze?

No. Don't be ridiculous.

Look at this madness:

So a 34-year-old Australian woman found a solution.

Alexandria Funnell smuggled an entire bottle of wine into the Sidney Myer Music Bowl. The venue allowed concert attendees to bring snacks, but not alcohol.

So Funnell purchased a $1.75 baguette, hollowed out the inside and nestled the bottle of wine comfortably inside.

Genius.

My favorite part is how she pours the bread and wine into a red Solo Cup like some sort of redneck communion.

Anyway, as creative as this is, I'm not sure it's the most practical way to sneak booze into an event.

See, I went to the University of Tennessee back when it was a "dry campus." They didn't sell beer at Neyland Stadium, so we had to BYOB.

Being the innovative college students we were, we explored just about every method you could think of: a Franzia bag inside your coat, airplane bottles in your boots, cylindrical flasks in tampon wrappers, flasks that looked like sunscreen bottles. You name it, we tried it.

So I'm not sure walking in with the world's heaviest loaf of bread is easier than those old tried and true methods, but I'll award Alexandra points for originality.

And Finally, A Feel Good Video To End The Day

Next week, I'll be back to making fun of Joe Biden. But for now, here's a montage of various animals hugging humans.

Because this is my column, and I can do what I want.

Thank you again to the MNPD who showed us what real heroism looks like. We really cannot praise these people enough for what they did, and I'm grateful to have them protecting the city where I live and work.

Officers Englebert and Collazo, if I ever run into you at the bar, endless beers on me.

Good beers, too. Not the ones I smuggled in with my loaf of bread.

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.

Want to join in on the fun? Tweet me at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.

Written by
Amber is a Midwestern transplant living in Murfreesboro, TN. She spends most of her time taking pictures of her dog, explaining why real-life situations are exactly like "this one time on South Park," and being disappointed by the Tennessee Volunteers.