TIME Declares Exercise Racist, A Form Of White Supremacy

We ask that you not make a New Year's resolution to exercise more.

A) It won't last. Signing up for a year-long gym membership just to hit the treadmill for two-three weeks in January is not a sufficient use of capital.

B) Exercise is racist.

A TIME article declared the latter the truth on Wednesday. Specifically, the outlet contends the activity is deeply rooted in white supremacy.

"The White Supremacist Origins of Exercise, and 6 Other Surprising Facts about the History of U.S. Physical Fitness," read the headline.

"How did U.S. exercise trends go from reinforcing white supremacy to celebrating Richard Simmons?" the piece asked.

As we often do when covering the corporate press, we make it a priority to establish the subject matter is not a type of witty satire.

The Babylon Bee did not produce an article examining the white supremacist origins of exercising. Rather, the article is the product of one of the longest-standing magazines in the country.

That said, the argument would've been a grand idea for satirical purposes:

Still, the piece garnered a great number of (unintentional) laughs.

"Precisely. The only way to fight against the white supremacy roots of exercise is by leading a sedentary life," tweeted Dr. Gad Saad. "Say no to exercise as a means of being an ally to people of color."

The article prompted Dr. Eli David to warn those hitting the gym of their bigoted status. "If you exercise, you're a white supremacist," he explained in a tweet.

Demand for racism

The TIME story is certainly the case of a "journalist" struggling to meet their year-end (unofficial or perhaps official) "this is racist" quota.

After all, 2022 concludes in just two days. PSA: get your race baits in.

TIME is far from the only outlet that worked tirelessly to try and generate evidence of white supremacy this year.

Ultimately, the demand for racism in 2022 far outstripped the supply. And such a conundrum increased the supply of imaginary racism.

Elsewhere, CNN declared the lottery system racist against people of color. Not to be outdone, CNN then decried the racist origins of daylight savings time. The Washington Post unearthed the thinly veiled racism of white male shark experts.

And most notably, the media promulgated yet another racial hoax, this time by virtue of Rachel Richardson, a Duke volleyball player. Richardson is perhaps best described as Jussie Smollett in volleyball tights. 

So, consider it a banner year for the national media.

Still, we remain confident the industry can top said efforts in 2023.

Perhaps other outlets could elaborate on the racist roots of cardio. Or maybe expound on how obesity is a true form of equity.

We know TIME, CNN, and the Washington Post are up for the task.

But for now, we encourage you to make it your New Year's resolution to exercise less. It's better to be fat and unhealthy than a treadmill-running white supremacist.