Thursday Night Mowing League: Wild Parrot, Christmas In July & Justin’s Rough Makes An Oberon Disappear

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Commissioner report

I didn’t mow.

I’ll go ahead and flat-out admit to it right now, right here.

Why? Because, as you read this morning in Screencaps, I was busy tearing apart my garage and rounding up all the supplies needed for the Put-In-Bay Two-Club Invitational taking place tomorrow morning on one of America’s great islands.

Would it have been nice to mow? Without a doubt. The lawn needs it. My brain needs it. My soul needs it, but running a golf tournament is my objective this week.

You have no idea how hot it was in that garage (west-facing) as I was searching every inch of that garage for the shitty golf clubs I bring over to the island every year.


I’ll be mowing Sunday and the lawn will be a foot high which means I’ll have full lawn bags sitting around until next Friday. Those are the choices I make to run the golf tourney. Those of you coming better have a good time!

I’ve seen this one floating around and thought you guys would enjoy it

Week 14 National Mower of the Year Rankings

  1. Coach Dave Holmgreen
  2. TJ Bollmer in the 513 (via his Christmas in July bit)
  3. Jimmy Dobbins (drops a spot after slacking due to his wedding anniversary and his wife’s birthday)
  4. Colt Bradford (Mr. Steady just goes about his business; He’s a big one-week-at-a-time guy)
  5. Justin Eppenbrock (he has the Par 3 hole in his Augusta, GA yard; get a good look at how well his turf is doing…scroll down)

Keep an eye on the rankings as we head into August. Remember, Coach Dave and Colt Bradford are big Texas football coaches with big-boy Texas football coaching responsibilities. We’re about to see if they slack on the mowing in the name of pigskin. This is where things get real interesting. Can they perform both duties?

Last week’s national rankings:

  1. Coach Dave Holmgreen (great hot tub speech)
  2. Jimmy Dobbins (could’ve died)
  3. TJ Bollmer in the 513 (still strong, but didn’t nearly die)
  4. Fink in Illinois (steady, but going on vacation, could slip)
  5. Colt Bradford (Mr. Dependable; never misses league night)
  6. Justin Eppenbrock (scroll down to see what he has going on with his yard…he’s been coming on strong over the last month)
  7. Hornet Tim (slides down a spot because he was off to spend time holding his grandchild)

We won this fight, but there are going to be others…many, many other fights

And why did Dallas back off? Because the Texas state legislature delivered a bill to the governor’s desk that banned cities like Dallas from creating such bans. In other words, oh yeah, well we’re going to ban you from creating bans.

It worked.

Keep using your gas lawnmower in Dallas. And if you want to go buy a battery-powered mower…GO FOR IT…have at it.

To the politicians proposing these lawnmower bans…leave us alone…go rid the world of fentanyl dealers!

Buy! Buy! Buy!

Mowing Reports From Across the United States and Beyond

• Mike T. in Eagle, Idaho writes:

Greetings from beautiful Eagle, Idaho

Perfect summertime weather here in the Mountain West, hot during the day( 95* plus) and cools down at night(mid-60s) humidity is always low here in the desert 14% or so.

Lawn is doing well, couple sprinkler issues I had to address, but all in all a perfect summer!

Even the Canadian smoke is staying away! Happy summer to the brother and sisterhood!

• Indy Daryl writes:

This was it. This was the one where the mind is saying no. Where the body doesn’t think it possible. Where your eyes look at the weather and scream out. Yet, we merry few look deep inside ourselves and find that we cannot stay silent. We won’t back down. We will not be laid waste by something as trifling as the sun. Why?? Why do we go to such depths?? Because we mow on THURSDAYS!!

They say the best blades are forged from the hottest fires (I think….surely someone has said that). And today is the fire that makes us strong!!

Happy mowing to all!!

• Rob in NC writes:

Joe…DAF here in the Piedmont and hot as balls. That being said almost skipped, but there was just enough growing and the edging needed it. Hope everyone has a great league night. Have a great weekend!!!

• Sean C. in Granger, IN writes:

After last week’s Sales Meeting Week, which put me out of commission, I’m back. No, the sales meetings themselves don’t go deep into Thursday evening, but the extracurricular activities do. If my rider wasn’t out of commission, I would have started that baby up with the lights on and mowed half drunk at 20 till midnight just to get it done on a Thursday. Alas, the diagnosis for the rider is still to be decided. Maybe I’ll have more on that by next week.

In addition to the madness that is Sales Meeting Week last week, I parlayed that with a trip to Cleveland/Mentor, Ohio with an Indians game, casino and bar on Friday, golf on Saturday, and more bar time Saturday night. It was quite a week. My friend’s car got broken into in downtown Cleveland. Go figure. He used to live downtown pre-Covid/Riots. It wasn’t the worst place to be. It might be now.

Downtown Detroit is like the Bahamas compared to downtown Cleveland.

But back to the subject at hand. It was a scorcher this week. Supposedly Friday is supposed to be worse. But an early evening mow with low humidity really helped. It was so quiet out in the neighborhood as many people stayed hunkered down due to the heat and air quality index (whatever that is). And now (Friday morning) it’s raining, which will get that humidity back up.

It’s supposed to be hotter than all hell and damnation today, so I’m glad I was able to work it in under the wire this week.

Written by Joe Kinsey

Joe Kinsey is the Senior Director of Content of OutKick and the editor of the Morning Screencaps column that examines a variety of stories taking place in real America.

Kinsey is also the founder of OutKick’s Thursday Night Mowing League, America’s largest virtual mowing league.

Kinsey graduated from University of Toledo.

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