Here Are The Absolute Worst Things About Staying In Hotels

It's Tuesday, which means it's time for another edition of the column that has saved more marriages than couples counseling, The Gripe Report!

Speaking of which, I just got married a little over a week ago!

*Crowd goes wild*

Thank you, thank you…

Have a gripe? Send it in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com

Luckily for all parties involved — but mostly me — there was nothing worth complaining about during the wedding. It was awesome, and Mrs. Reigle and I, plus our guests, had a great time.

But, here's where the complaints come in…

We got married at a hotel, and a nice one at that. We stayed there for a few days and had a fantastic time.

But the thing is that whether you're staying at the Four Seasons or a motor inn just off the highway, there are some things that all hotels seem to goof up.

Your choices are second degree burns or not showering for the duration of your stay. It's up to you. (Getty Images)

Showers

There is a lot of standardization in the world today. Take wall outlets. There are no proprietary outlets that some companies use; they’re all the same, and that means that no matter where you go, they’re familiar.

So then why the f--k have shower controls not gotten the same treatment?!

I hate that no matter where I go, I have to take a second to do some fiddling with the controls just to rinse off, and this is always frustrating in hotels. Some hotels go with the single handle that you turn, some go with a double handle where you have to mix your shower water like a DJ in Ibiza, and plenty of other nonsensical shower options.

Personally, I’m a single-handle guy, but that might just be because it's what I have at home. But even if we all went with that setup, every shower is still different. You go in, never knowing if you turn the handle clockwise or counterclockwise. Plus, you have to figure out how much to turn it to get the water hot.

If I turn my shower at home to about 10 o'clock (counterclockwise from a 6 o'clock starting position), it’s a little toasty, but I can work with it. However, I’ve been in hotels where once you get a millimeter past the halfway point, the water suddenly shoots out at a temperature hot enough to melt your skin off.

I see it as a safety issue. How many people have burned their hands doing that exploratory reach into the water? 

I know: everyone.

But even if you work out the knob to turn the water on, if you’re at a hotel above, like a Hampton Inn, you run into additional levers, knobs, valves, or buttons to switch between the rainfall showerhead and the handheld one you use to blast the day’s deodorant out of your pits.

These are never labeled, so that means there’s another round of R&D just to rinse off after a day of travel.

Plus, when you switch showerheads, you get clobbered with a momentary burst of cold water that has been sitting in the showerhead waiting to claim its victim.

Who doesn't love a TV with limited options and channel numbers completely different from the ones your used to? (Getty Images)

TVs

TVs in hotels have an issue that’s similar to the shower faucets in that they never work the same, so you always have to sit down and figure it all out.

Sure, it’s not that hard, but that’s just the start of hotel TV issues.

Like this past weekend, my wife and I were watching TV when fireworks started up outside, so I turned off the lights and the TV so we could see them better. The TV was off for about three-and-a-half minutes before I turned it back on.

But, instead of going back to Monday Night Football, it took me back to the hotel welcome channel.

Shouldn’t there be a little grace period before it kicks you back to that? I think you should get at least an hour before this happens. That way, if you run down to get a cup of coffee, you can come back and be right there on the channel you had been watching.

This is honestly one of the reasons I leave the TV in my hotel on pretty much all day. Hotels probably hate me for this, but that’s too bad. I’ll stop when they fix this.

Also, how, in 2025, are hotels not all equipped with smart TVs that allow access to a full array of your favorite streaming services?

The hotel I was in was only a few years old, so its TV was capable of streaming. However, that was only the case if you wanted to watch YouTube or Netflix. 

Everything else could pound sand.

Just put a normal smart TV in there. Nothing extravagant. A $300 TCL from Walmart is just fine with me, and if you buy a bunch, I bet you can get a great deal on them to put one in each room.

C'mon, hotels… 

Did anyone order some neck pain for tomorrow morning? (Getty Images)

Pillows

I’m a douche, which means I have a very specific pillow at home. It’s made by a company called Purple, and it’s heavy as hell because it’s made out of this gel-like material.

I think this is because I sleep flat on my back, like Nosferatu lying in his casket.

So, unless I bring that bad boy with me — and I never do because I’m not that big of a douche — I’m in a world of hurt.

Hotel pillows seem to be the cheapest, crappiest pillows, no matter what tier of hotel you're staying at. I was just staying at a very nice hotel where everything was immaculate… except the pillows.

My head — which I will concede is a little on the large side — hit the pillow and went right through it down to the mattress. It made a pffff sound like when you throw a NERF football into your neighbor’s hedge.

So, waking up the next morning, I had a bit of a sore neck and the back of the ol' noggin felt like it had spent the night crashing on the sidewalk using a stone pillow like Lucille Ball in the television movie, Stone Pillow.

Come on, hotels. How about spending slightly less anywhere else in the room and beefing up the pillow game a little?

I can assure you that none of the people who put towels on those chairs have been anywhere near the pool for several hours. (Getty Images)

Pools

I love a good swimming pool. Chilling in it, sitting next to it, just looking at it; it's all good if you ask me.

In fact, here's a quick rundown of my top 5 boozy poolside beverages:

1. Miami Vice
2. Margarita (Preferably on the rocks, but I'm a gentleman and won't turn down frozen)
3. A Mexican lager with a lime wedge
4. Tom Collins (Underrated)
5. Any variety of rum punch

Anyway, there are still a few things I don't like about hotel pools.

First is the towels. I love that you can pick up a towel and just chuck it in the bin when you leave, but can we get some regular human-sized towels?

The citizens of Munchkinland wouldn't have enough towel to work with at some hotels. They give you what amounts to a large washcloth. I don't need it to be the highest quality, I just need enough towel to dry off with or drape over my lounge chair.

And speaking of which, we need to discuss the chair-saving situation.

I get that it's necessary, but the towel should only be on the chair when you are present in the pool area. I can't stand the people who go out first thing in the morning and plop some towels on chairs they don't plan to use until sometime after lunch.

Knock it off. If you're not in the pool area, other pool goers should have carte blanche to pick up your towels, air mail them into the receptacle, and claim them for themselves.

Also, I don't like it when the staff decides to play games at the pool. You encounter this a lot at resorts and hotels that cater to families. 

Maybe I'm just a curmudgeon, but I'm trying to unwind while I read a book and sip my Miami Vice, not listen to people do karaoke or answer trivia questions.

Is there nowhere else on the premises where this can be done?

Of course, there is; move it over there.

Don't touch any of this unless you want pay the equivalent of an extra night. (Getty Images)

Minibars

Is it just me, or have minibars gotten downright predatory?

The whole business model is that they hope guests will get hammered on $18 martinis down in the lobby and then will stumble up to their room, where they'll crack open a $7 bag of peanut M&M's.

I don't like this at all. Any food placed in the room should be complimentary. If it's in the fridge when you walk in, it's fair game.

I hate that moment of terror when you crack open a bottle of water that was sitting in the room, but you aren't sure if you're about to quench your thirst or get slapped with a $12.99 charge to your room. We should just agree as a society to do away with that entirely.

Unfortunately, the cat is out of the bag, and by "bag," I mean minibar.

I've seen some videos where some hotels now have scales in the minibar, so if you even touch a Twix bar or a can of Pepsi Zero, you start racking up charges. This is some Bond villain s--t. In the court of law, it would be considered entrapment.

I don't even really care that hotels scalp us on candy bars and tiny cans of Pringles, just do it in the gift shop or a little snack kiosk.

If I want to walk down to the lobby and buy a single Tastykake for $6.50, I will (and I'm ashamed to say I would do that).

There's no need to trick me or catch me at my weakest… I'm already weak when it comes to snacks.

….

That's all for this week. I hope the next time you check in somewhere, you enjoy your stay, but they sure make it hard sometimes, don't they?

In the meantime, feel free to send in your gripes — hotel or otherwise — for a future edition of The Gripe Report!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com