It’s Time To Stop The NFL Schedule Release Madness
This past week was another step toward mutually assured destruction in the arms race that is the NFL Schedule Release.
It's a special time when social media managers get to flex their creative muscles and stunt on all of us left-brained plebeians with fun videos about who their employer plays this upcoming season.
And I am absolutely sick of it.
Every year, teams feel the need to up the ante and get even more elaborate than in offseasons past.
The NFL is even getting in on the fun, announcing the date of the schedule release ahead of the actual event.
A schedule release date for the schedule release date.
In the immortal words of Livia Soprano, "I wish the Lord would take me now."
Since I had to suffer through all of these odes to Buzzfeed Sports, you do too!
Sorry, them's the rules.
Wow, how nice of someone to put all the "best" schedule releases in one convenient place! Thanks, PFSN. Very cool.
Let's break down some of our favorites, shall we?
Buffalo Bills
Ohhh, I get it!
They said "AI," like artificial intelligence, but the old guy thought they meant "Allen Iverson."
How silly! Stupid Gen X, when will they get with the times?
4/10: Banned from eating Wingnutz for the entire season.
Los Angeles Chargers
How do you do, fellow youths? Care to play some of this Minecraft all the kids are talking about?
Ugh, so relatable, Chargers!
Can't wait for the 2045 schedule release when the Bolts discover Fortnite.
2/10: Walk across the most homeless-infested stretch of the Santa Monica pier barefoot.
Jacksonville Jaguars
"NO. WAY."
Yeah, I never would've guessed a guy clinging with all his might to his 15 minutes of internet fame (which, when adjusted for inflation, is about 34 seconds) jumped at the opportunity to be in another viral moment that's been handed to him on an ice-cube-laced platter.
How did the lowly Jaguars, an NFL franchise, possible land a guy like *checks notes* Ashton Hall?!
3.5/10: Get food poisoning from the PGA Tour Grill during a layover at JAX International Airport.
Jacksonville Jaguars (again)
A franchise so nice, I included them twice.
What do all NFL fans and Jaguars season ticket holders want more than anything? Former-Disney-Channel-star-turned-overcompensating-strumpet Sabrina Carpenter mimicking sex positions to let them know who their week 12 opponent is this season.
Actually, on second thought, that probably is what they want.
Perverts.
1/10: After you've recovered from the PGA Tour Grill food poisoning, immediately get food poisoning from the Cracker Barrel across the street from JAX International Airport.
Just stop the madness, I beg of you.
I want to know who, where, and when the Dolphins play this year, and nothing else.
No D-list internet celebrities, no Minecraft videos, and no gyrating pop stars.
Just football!
Apparently that's too much to ask.