The Four Worst Super Bowl Party Guests
Chances are you've interacted with all four of these "guests" at some point.
With the "Big Game" set to kick off this Sunday, many people online are starting to come to the realization that Super Bowl parties do, in fact, suck.
That may come as a revelation to some of you, but it's been well-known among hardcore football fans for years now that the best way to watch the Super Bowl is in the comfort of your own home, a place where you have total control over the snacks, seating, and even volume control.
My good buddy and fellow OutKick writer, Matt Reigle, even wrote about this phenomenon a few years back, so check that out when you have a chance, but suffice to say, the rest of the sports world is just now waking up to how awful Super Bowl parties can be.
The main contributing "suck" factor to any Super Bowl party is obviously the guests, so I thought now would be as good a time as any to break down the four worst Super Bowl party guests.
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You've interacted with every one of these types of people, so I have no doubt this will be a familiar list to anyone who has ever made the mistake of leaving the house to watch a Super Bowl.
1. Mr. Parlay
Hey guys, did you know betting on sports is legal now?
Well, in case you haven't heard, this guy is here to remind you.
Listen, we've all been known to throw a few bucks on a square or two at a Super Bowl party from time to time, but Mr. Parlay here treats every single one of his bets as if he's in a fight for his life.
"Damn, two minutes and 26 seconds for the anthem, I bet the under."
"Does it look like they're drinking red Gatorade? I bet on Glacial Freeze."
"How many yards does Stevenson have? I got him at under 89.5, what a steal!"
We get it, dude! You bet on sports!
Now put the FanDuel app down and call the hotline, because I've seen surgeons operate with less interest than you're showing in the postgame Gatorade bath.
2. The "Yay, Sportsball" Nerd
It's a rallying cry you've likely heard at every Super Bowl party you've ever attended: "Yay, sportsball."
This is some theater kid dog whistle that lets everyone within a 200-foot radius of this person know that they are so above the barbaric nature of cheering for contact sports.
These are people who probably wore a cardigan and a scarf to the party and will say things like, "I only watch for the commercials," or, "call me when the halftime show is on."
If you're one of these nerds, why did you even agree to show up in the first place?
I don't crash your Oscar Awards watch party and start making fun of the actors for crying about a genocide they just learned about a week ago in a country whose name they can't even pronounce, so sit down, shut up, and enjoy watching a bunch of grown men try and decapitate each other.
Otherwise, hit the road, Poindexter!
3. The Fan With Empty Hands
This one applies to all parties, not just football-themed ones, but we all know that one guy who shows up to the function empty-handed.
It clearly says on the invite or in the text thread to bring a snack and whatever you want to drink, one of your friends will inevitably waltz in without as much as a packet of paper plates on his person.
It's one thing not to contribute to the spread, but it's another entirely to not bring a single morsel to the party while ALSO leeching off the contributions of others.
The guy who came to the Super Bowl party with two free hands will use both of those hands to consume the beer and chips provided by his fellow football fans.
It's a Super Bowl party, not a commune, Lenin!
4. The Superfan
This one may seem counterintuitive, considering I just bashed people for not caring about the game of the night a few spots above, but there has to be a happy medium at a party environment.
If your team is in the Super Bowl and you are anything more than a casual fan, just stay home.
No one needs to feel like you're ready to blow a hole through the TV every time your team's defense gives up a third and long.
I'm already out on going to watch parties for championship games in general, but if my team was in the Super Bowl, you better believe I'd lock myself in a panic room with a small TV praying to the football gods we come out on top, and I don't even care about the NFL that much.
I went to a watch party for game four of the Stanley Cup Finals, and although I was surrounded by fellow Panthers fans, when Florida blew their three-goal lead and lost in overtime, I wanted to walk into oncoming traffic.
Now imagine being surrounded by a bunch of filthy casuals.
I say this with love as a fellow sports psychopath: if you care too much about the outcome of the game being played, then just stay home.
You would be doing your psyche as well as the normies in your war path a huge favor.