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Florida was as hot as advertised
As I sit down at the computer complex in my family room where I’ve worked for the last 13 years, it’s not lost on me how fortunate I am to return from vacation to this job and the tens of thousands of readers that depend on this column to get their day rolling.
I completely understand how many people return from vacations to jobs they hate and people they hate to work with. I’m fortunate. All I had to do this morning was look for Dale Earnhardt content, cruise through the Instagram models and look for fun sports content to put a bow on the weekend.
What a life!
Let’s get to this vacation recap:
- Yes, we had fun even though it was consistently 110 and higher in the afternoons with temps reaching the upper 90s and humidity levels that hovered around 80% for pretty much the entire trip. Hell yes, it was hot. Hell yes, the ocean was hot. Hell yes, most pools were hot. Thankfully, my mom’s 55 & older community pumps in cool(er) water to chill the clubhouse pool.
- It’s crystal clear food inflation isn’t easing. God bless those of you going on vacation and eating out multiple times each day.
- The service industry is seriously struggling. Pro tip: Make sure you have at least an hour-plus to get a meal at an airport or Florida restaurant. Outside of the HOF waiter at Hellas in Tarpon Springs, who was a pro’s pro and knew how to get the kids to try seafood, it was a dumpster fire.
- Ladies, how many sunsets could you watch until you’re tired of sunsets? Thankfully, Mrs. Screencaps isn’t one of those wives who forces the family to dress in white for the traditional photo series as seen in so many homes across the Midwest. The kids were swimming as that hellish sun was going down. It was the best time of day to get in the water.
- Shoutout to the college girls creating bikini content during Wednesday night’s sunset. I hope those photos do big numbers. Mrs. Screencaps and I enjoyed watching the shoot go down and how the collab started on the beach and ended up in the Gulf. There’s a total gameplan going into the shoot like an offensive coordinator scripting the first 10 plays of a game.
- Sitting on the balcony sweating my balls off drinking a beer or two while listening to people sing karaoke at Sniki Tiki became my routine while we were on Siesta Key. Hearing women in their 40s yelling “woooooooooooo” after some woman ripped through a Taylor Swift song was much better than being on social media.
- Florida traffic lights are way too long. I don’t know how you guys do it down there.
- Is there something written into the Florida constitution that requires: (1.) a Publix at every intersection; (2.) Strip malls must be constructed on every single inch of Florida property not covered with a condo building.
- I wanted to play at Pop Stroke in Sarasota, but it will have to wait because there’s no way I’m paying that price for two kids and Mrs. Screencaps when it’s 110 out.
- We did play Smugglers Cove in Indian Shores where you can feed the gators and Mrs. Screencaps sank two hole-in-ones — 3 & 16 — and left me completely shook. You’re damn right I couldn’t get that out of my head. Here she is just hitting the ball and letting it do its thing while I’m running geometry calculations in my head like the Asians playing pool at the student rec center when I was in college. Her method worked this time.
- Feeding the gators via a cane pole is fun. I don’t care if Smugglers Cover and its gators are a tourist trap. As I’ve mentioned here multiple times — I’m pro-tourist traps!
- Speaking of tourist traps, it’s time for America to get back to its roots. We need to have a national conversation on bringing back tourist traps that aren’t Buc ee’s. What happened to the Florida of my youth? What happened to the fruit stands? Enough with the concrete condo buildings. Give me a generation of thinkers who can come up with unique and then we must support these people.
- Where in theee hell does Florida find the workers required to run the 80,000,000 random businesses in that state? And how is Dan’s Fan City still in business when Lowe’s and Home Depot can just undercut Dan?
- I need more of Big Top Brewing’s Key Lime wheat ale. Holy crap that stuff would sell like crazy in Ohio this time of year.
- I have nothing but respect for the workers next door to our condo who beat the hell out of scaffolding in that heat. Fellas, I hope you’re making great money for enduring those conditions.
- The handjob given to me by the TSA agent wasn’t necessary. What a nice touch it was for him to ask if I would like to take it to a private room. Uh, no. Go ahead and get a feel right here in front of your work buddies.
- The Kinsey boys got a life lesson at the Tampa airport Saturday night. They learned the art of taking a bump. Boys, when Delta is offering $2k total (they’re doing gift cards these days — use them in six months or they expire!) for us to give up our seats, dad is taking that every single time. I understand it’s an inconvenience and grandma will have to come get us and we’ll be sleeping at her house only to get up at 3:30 a.m. to catch a new flight.
- The kids think I’m kidding that they’re getting new toilets with the money. That $2k is being reinvested right back into the house, kids. Enjoy the new shitters, new vanities, and lighting.
- This Thanksgiving, I will be saying how thankful I am that my mom is willing to hop back in the car to come get us. It was the best service of the week.
- Delta was supposed to give us $15 each in food vouchers. Dwayne the Gate Agent ended up providing us with $240 in credits. Breakfast at Columbia inside the airport was $91 with tip. Thanks, Dwayne.
- Florida will never not be interesting to me. Due to the Florida Man mentality, you have no idea what you’re going to see or experience at any moment. I was wandering around the Altitude indoor trampoline park — guys, it was hot as balls outside…you’re damn right we had to make concessions to sitting on the beach all week — inside what appears to be a former Best Buy in Bradenton when I came around the corner and saw an old timer knuckle deep up his left nostril while enjoying a massage chair. It was so damn perfect. Not a care in the world. His determination was admirable.
The art of returning your cart
• Chris S. in Illinois writes:
Hey Joe, welcome back.
Writing to take issue with Al A. yesterday and his terrible take on returning carts. In the same letter, as he brags about leaving his carts in the lot wherever he parked, he says you better not touch his beloved truck.
I guess it’s OK with him if his cart blows into my beloved 2015 GMC, as long as he isn’t inconvenienced by having to do the bare minimum and walk to a cart corral. I know we are all family here, and I don’t like attacking fellow Screencappers, but this is unacceptable. Be better Al, we all like our trucks dent free, a 1-minute walk isn’t exactly a “hard thing”.
I’ll be completely honest, I haven’t read a single sentence of Screencaps since I left, but I have an opinion on returning carts: Return your cars to a corral. It’s possible Al was just trying to start some s–t around here while I was gone. Now I’m back. Clean it up, Al!
I have no idea who Al is, but he needs to do better. Get those steps in, Al.
NFL guys wearing sports bras
• Dave in Woodland Hills, CA writes:
Welcome back from vacation…
When you see NFL players and professional soccer players wearing sports bras under their jerseys, and seemingly PROUDLY, you know the total feminization of the younger generation of men is almost complete. I mean, wtf does a grown-ass man need to wear that? the answer: he may be an adult but he ain’t no real man. ffs…
On a related note for all the beer drinkers out there who’ve proudly switched from Bud Light or Bud or Busch or whatever shit A-B beer to something else, be careful if you’re still trying to boycott because the Anheuser Busch InBev umbrella is MASSIVE. It includes Modelo, Corona, Natural Light, Beck’s, Lowenbrau, Stella, Boddington’s, St. Pauli, Hoeegarden, dozens of indian/korean/chinese brands, various IPAs (including Golden Road, Goose Island, and Elysian, one i’ve always liked but have dropped once I found out who owned it).
The point? if you’re trying to make a statement, make sure you’re not clowning yourself. besides, why not choose PBR, Coors, Yuengling, ultra-right, and others that don’t partner with mentally ill jackweeds pretending to be a girl?
I remember being shocked the first time I saw some soccer player wearing one of these things and tweeting about it. The wokes promised me it’s all about measuring heart rates, blah, blah, blah.
You’re telling me they can’t measure heart rates and performance without putting elite athletes in sports bras?
• Paul in Cincy wrote in while I was finishing up this column:
I hope your vacation was a good recharge. If the Reds had gotten swept yesterday that might have been all she wrote. But they’re still hanging around and that’s pretty darn good after losing 100 last year. Did you ever get down for a game?
Hopefully Burrow is ready to hit the ground running in week 1! Gotta come out of the gate hot this season.
P.S. Joe Biden is the top scumbag in the country!
I have not made it to a Reds game. We’re still alive for a trip south. That’s going to happen. Promise.
Speaking of catching baseball games, I was going to take the kids to a Rays game Friday night until I saw the prices. It was $41 per person — cheapest tickets available — BEFORE fees because the Rays were also including a Lee Brice concert after the game.
It turns out the Rays won that game on a dramatic walk-off home run. There’s no way the kids would have lasted that long. I’m chalking up missing the game as a win.
That’s it for this morning. It’s time to put the band back together and get rolling toward football season and the conclusion of the Thursday Night Mowing League season with the batteries fully charged.
Go have an incredible day. And if you’re on vacation, good luck with dinner service and your credit card bill.