Some New Guy In Chicago, Same Old Bears

For weeks, I’ve been trying to brace you for this, to warn you, to prepare you. This was inevitable. There just aren’t enough elite quarterbacks to go around the NFL. I even started a quarterback quiz this way:

How many quarterbacks in the NFL are among the 10 best QBs?

Every NFL team wanted one, every fan base thought it was going to get one. But this much-hyped quarterback carousel was pretend all along. It was a hoax. And today, the Washington Football Team, which was trying to land Matt Stafford a few weeks ago, will sign 38-year old Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Sorry, Washington. You’ve been punked. 

Reality is beginning to hit in the NFL. Deshaun Watson almost surely isn’t going anywhere after he was sued Tuesday for alleged sexual assault, a charge he denies. Russell Wilson isn’t going anywhere. Sorry, Washington.

Sorry, Denver. Sorry, Indianapolis. Sorry, half of the NFL. And of course, as the football gods like to prove that they have a sense of humor, the model franchise in failing to get a top quarterback also failed to get one:

The Chicago Bears will announce today that they have signed some guy named Andy Dalton. From here on, I’m going to refer to him simply as Some Guy.

Some Guy ends the era of Mitch Trubisky, who Bears general manager Ryan Pace traded up for in the draft. He picked Trubisky over Patrick Mahomes and Watson. Trubisky failed for four years.

Yes, I know who Some Guy is. For years, he was Cincinnati’s Trubisky. They stuck with him even longer than the Bears stuck with Trubisky. Some Guy then went to Dallas last year where he continued to be faceless and nameless.

The Bears didn’t want Some Guy. They wanted The Guy. Chicago is the black hole of NFL quarterbacks. It’s where quarterback careers go to die. The Bears haven’t had a real quarterback for 70 years, other than a few years of Jim McMahon 35 years ago.

A month ago, the buzz in Chicago was over the prayer that they could make a trade with the Houston Texans to get the unhappy Watson. Then for the past three weeks, Chicago was abuzz over the possibility of getting Russell Wilson from Seattle. Wilson’s agent had said that his client would like to stay with Seattle, but that if he doesn’t, there are four teams he’d be willing to go to. 

One of them was the Bears. So the story in town has been all about Pace’s efforts to get Wilson. It was never going to happen. It was all Wilson’s agent trying to drive up Wilson’s contract with Seattle. Oh, I’m sure there was a lottery-level possibility of getting him. Pace would be clobbered if he didn’t even try. But it’s hard to figure out what the Bears have that Seattle would want for Wilson, or why Wilson would want to come play for the Bears.

So apparently Seattle finally told the Bears that Wilson wasn’t coming to Chicago. And the Bears today will announce the signing of Mike Glennon. No wait, that’s wrong. Glennon was Some Guy for the Bears a few years ago.

They are signing Nick Foles. Oops, no. Foles was Some Guy last year. He’ll be on the bench or competing for the starting job with the Bears’ new Some Guy, Jim Miller. No, wait. Mark Sanchez. No, darnit. It’s Chase Daniel. What am I saying? It’s Matt Barkley. No, Jimmy Clausen. Jay Cutler. Kyle Orton. Rex Grossman. Brian Griese.

Craig Krenzel. Chad Hutchinson. Did I mention Chris Chandler, Kordell Stewart and Shane Mathews? Or Steve Stenstrom or Rick Mirer? Or Dave Krieg or Steve Walsh?

I’m getting a little lost here. The Bears are always quarterbacked by Some Guy. They should put their quarterback’s name on their jerseys in pencil.

There is no point to trying to remember the name of the new Some Guy.

Look, agents saw what a stir Tom Brady created when he left New England for Tampa Bay and won the Super Bowl. That was like watching your neighbor win the lottery. So you go out and buy a ticket.

Matt Stafford wanted to leave Detroit, so he went to the Los Angeles Rams. Philadelphia management actually drove up the price of Carson Wentz by pretending that he was part of the quarterback carousel.

Indianapolis got him.

Sorry, Indianapolis.

I suspect cities will still keep hoping for Watson or Wilson. At one point, Aaron Rodgers was supposedly looking to leave Green Bay. He signed a new deal with Green Bay. Dak Prescott was supposedly available to leave Dallas. He signed a new, four-year, $160 million deal with Dallas. The carousel was never spinning.

In Chicago, ownership inexplicably decided to give their GM another chance. He has been forking over a ton of their money to land Some Guy for years. This will be his seventh season as the Bears GM. They’ve had one winning season and no playoff wins.

At least the new Some Guy in Chicago signed only a one-year contract for $10 million. Trubisky’s name might actually live for a while, since he was taken over Mahomes. Eventually, Chicago’s pain and Trubisky’s name will fade away, too. Pace will be gone this time next year.

Everything is temporary now in Chicago. Only one thing lasts: Some Guy is always playing quarterback. Sorry, Chicago.