Paige VanZant Signs Chicken Sponsorship, The Orioles Are Rolling & More Zach Wilson Memes To Laugh At

I guess it’s Shark Week because I saw a guy nearly eaten by a shark on ABC last night

There I was last night in the sports cave with my wife watching some shark show on ABC hosted by Thor, Chris Hemsworth, when we learned that one of Thor’s buddies had been attacked by a shark during a surfing competition a few years back. Then they cut to footage of Hemsworth’s buddy in a surfing competition as he’s telling his story of being attacked.

THEN WE SEE THE ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF THE SHARK ATTACKING THIS GUY LIKE A NOLAN RYAN FASTBALL OUT OF NOWHERE.  HEMSWORTH’S BOY IS FLAILING AROUND AND IT FEELS LIKE HE’S ABOUT TO DIE WHILE NARRATING THE WHOLE EPISODE.

Hey ABC, how about a disclaimer that we’re about to see a shark try to rip a guy in half. Listen, I’m all for dumping out content to make a point. However, if my five-year-old would’ve been in the room there’s a good chance he’d never set foot in the ocean ever again.

Meanwhile, I tried to change the channel to PBS for some documentary called Green Planet that stoners must LOVE — you have to see the oxygen bubbles coming to the surface in some hidden body of water in Brazil, I think it is — but my wife wasn’t having it as Hemsworth’s guns were bulging as he drove a Jeep around Australia.

I countered by taking a quick nap and letting her have some personal time with Chris. I get it, ladies. He’s a pretty good-looking guy. Nice jaw structure.

Tumblers are here!

• At this point I’ve lost track of all the Thursday Night Mowing League items for sale in the OutKick store, but I do know the tumblers you guys drink vodka MiOs out of at travel ball games are officially available because OutKick T-Shirt Manager Olivia G. hit me up on Slack Wednesday with the big announcement.

Make a statement this summer as you’re crushing those vodka lemonades at the family gatherings.

At these gatherings, your brother-in-law Keith will look flustered while you’re crushing a spiked Arnold Palmer and all relaxed. It’s because Keith mows on Saturdays and he’s a loser who should’ve never married your sister. Never forget it. Flaunt TNML in his face.

Is Wayne Gretzky out of his mind?

• Paul B. would like to react to the news that Zach Wilson visited Janet Gretzky this week at the Gretzky Gozzer Ranch compound in Idaho.

Paul writes:

Ol’ Wayne is playing a dangerous game letting Zach the Cub around Mrs. Gretzky. That’s the next bombshell coming out of this whole thing. We should start a new soap opera based around this. Pitch it to Netflix, Hulu, etc. Disney would probably be out but that’s probably for the best anyway. They’d woke it up somehow. It could be just like the old school soaps Guiding Light or Y&R but based on this whole Zach the Cub character.

PIB reaction and ribs

• Frank K. in Elyria, OH writes:

Just loved your recap of the PIB classic.  Growing up about 30 minutes West of Cleveland on the lake your descriptions of the golf course and island life are spot on.  What a great tournament you have.

We have done two club nights in the golf league where I used a 3 wood and a 5 iron, but we get to pick our clubs.  Your miscellaneous bag of clubs is just genius.  You think you had some fun, you should have seen what went on at Lonz Winery before it closed and the PIB camp ground on the July 4th weekend in pre-Covid times.

Definitely a sight to see.

While you were enjoying golf and the island life, back her in Avon lake, Ohio we pulled out the Weber Smokey Mountain and made some ribs in the attached pictures.

A warning for Clay Travis re: baseball cards

• Duncan N. writes:

Finally back from Jamaica, where I read screencaps every day – can’t miss it!  I thought I’d warn Clay about getting back into baseball card collecting. I too caught the bug while the pandemic raged, and have spent a lot of cash on cards in the last 2 years. Here is just one tote filled with rack packs from 1986-1989. And yes, that’s a 1986 Tony LaRussa card, managing the White Sox!  Tell Clay to be careful, it’s addicting. 

Here we go with Gauntlet questions for Tim L. who founded that fantasy game

• Cody W. writes:

Do we have an official ruling on how to set up year one of the Gauntlet?   My friends and I couldn’t come up with a plan on who goes first, so we ended up using Easter Eggs ( my youngest son was confused why we happened to find so many Easter Eggs). 

The total randomness of the teams added a little more difficulty when trying to spend the 100 points.  We are debating about even going to the random drawing of teams again this year.  I think the community would appreciate an official ruling of how to start year one of the league.

In the league I participated in, I’m pretty sure we just threw out a team and people just started bidding from their $100. I suggest throwing out the Rams as the first team to bid on. Ok, someone buys them for $30. That person picks the next team to bid on. Down the line.

Bee advice for Paul B. in Florida

• Wyn B. in Colorado, who might be the longest serving member of the Screencaps community going back what feels like at least 6-8 years, writes:

Helluva run on the streak of ending SC’s with a Dale pic. Wonder how long that was?

I’ve been keeping bees for 8 years and am onu class shy of earning my “Masters in Beekeping” from University of Montana. Tell Paul B. to spray some apple cider vinegar where the bees congregate and it’ll do the trick. The problem is the pheromones are still there after whatever “Anthony the Bee Man” sprays. Below are some pics of my bees. It’s a great hobby and I highly suggest anyone get involved. Bees are extremely important to this planet. 

Take that lib libs!

I love the narrative used by the lib libs that there’s no way a guy like Wyn could possibly care about the planet. I love how guys like Wyn can’t possibly care about the bees because he votes a certain way. Then the guy shows up with his own bee collection.

I was talking to Curt Schilling Wednesday (more on that after I transcribe the interview) and learned that he’s adopting all sorts of animals who get to live out their lives on his land in Tennessee where the chickens and goats roam.

It’s clear as day that very little triggers the lib libs like Wyn being a bee guy and Curt Schilling having farm animals and caring for the land.

Speaking of the super lib libs and Mexicans

• Mike from Layton, who recently experienced the joy of his first mow at his first home after living his entire life in an apartment, writes:

Just felt that I had to check in after the story that was ran on 7/11 about Jill Biden. As an American with Mexican decent, let me just say how shallow and pedantic the Dems are with regards to continuing to think that we (Hispanics/Latinos) need THEM to give us a word to classify us! What we should call OUR community!

I get infuriated seeing Jill Biden and others make a mockery of our heritage and of the pandering to our language. Hey Dems, let me let you in on a little secret: wanna know why Hispanics/Latinos are voting Republicans more? Because we just cannot look past your fakeness and your absolute abuse on our culture. The community is tired of your empty promises. We despise you laughing at our face thinking that we are stupid, that we are below you. No surprise that they think that way. After all it was the Democratic Party that brought us segregation, the KKK and other racist policies such as Jim Crow.
 
The Republican Party truly needs to capitalize and wake up by bringing in more folks like Mayra Flores (TX), Mike Garcia (CA) and to truly reach out to the Hispanic community who are just being devastated by the Brandon (no)Policies. End of Sentence. Period.
 
With the Dems running their Identity Rack-and-Stack idiocies, Hispanics, Latinos and Asian-Americans are being tossed and forgotten, so long as an important election comes around. Suddenly, we get the Si Se Puede chants (butchered, of course), the comparisons of us to breakfast tacos. I hope that more of my Hispanic/Latino brothers and sisters start to mobilize away from the party of oppression, the Dems.
 
One last thing to these hallow virtue signaling Democrats: Stick your Latinx up your ass!

Ramblings

• Harvey D. in NW Ohio writes:

I hope you parked up front and enjoyed the free car wash service on Saturday.  Just kidding. Those folks at the Miller know their stuff. My Dad, rest his soul, had many a boat on the lake over the years. Kind of a cross between Captain Ahab chasing the great white walleye, and a Viking explorer riding a giant swell to who knows where. If it was too bouncy for most he just sent it!  One of his favorite sayings “just hold on we will be behind an island soon” Good Times! Lol!

I had my first call up to the Bigs on Thursday! Work schedules and the Weather Gods of NW Ohio finally let me have a start.  Probably could have let it go, but the Buckhorn and the thistle looking things were a bit much. Not posting to the wall of fame. Maybe this fall. But it was extremely refreshing not to do a weekend mowing. If it wasn’t so nautical on the lake would have been the perfect set up. 

Random roadsigns. I got a dilly. Courtesy of Sandusky County. And yep it 12 feet off the ground.  Being that guy that giggles when someone says “unit” or “package” in a meeting. Yeah… or chuckles when I walk past the bin of pipe “nipples” in the hardware store. I have a feeling a sophomoric sense of humor is a big help to longevity.  Try it, it can’t hurt. People take stuff way too damn seriously.

I also have an Intimidator meme. Confess I screenshot it off the webs, but it’s a good one.

One more and I will be done for a spell.

If you have ever thought your job was a dumpster fire, I had one a few weeks ago. A stern reminder to all you old school smokers,  Only you can prevent dumpster fires!! Police your butts before you launch them a dumpster full of paper and cardboard! Common sense is lost on this younger generation. Yes that is a fire truck! SMH! 

That should be plenty to keep you guys busy today. I’m going to go ahead and officially announce that we’ve entered the dog days of summer. I have absolutely nothing on the schedule this weekend — no golf, she’ll kill me — and I’m starting to think I might sit on the patio and just watch The Open for hours.

Let’s go out there and attack the dog days of summer. I don’t want regrets in January when you’re reminiscing about a blazing hot July weekend.

Get those yards right and let’s get the weekend started.

Email: joekinsey@gmail.com  

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Written by Joe Kinsey

I'm an Ohio guy, born in Dayton, who roots for Ohio State and can handle you guys destroying the Buckeyes, Urban Meyer and everything associated with Columbus.

2 Comments

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  1. IMO … Zach Wilson and “Hottie Mamma” Lisa’s responses to the OMG !!! totally castrated the media zombie mob with a straight razor.
    .
    Self-effacing humor applied deftly in an OMG situation can NUKE your opponent. Kudos to Zack & Lisa.

  2. You missed the best part of the Elon Musk tweet, which was the MSNBC reporter replying with some snarky tweet about how he should be directing his energy towards more productive activities, and then him clapping back at her, saying MSNBC should do the same.

    No Dale finale again. You doing ok, Joe?

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