NFL Power Rankings: Few Teams On Fire, But Most Teams In This League Stink
I'm in hell as a Miami Dolphins fan, have refused to go on NFL Twitter (X? Whatever, I don't care) in three days and golfed so poorly Tuesday morning after Monday's collapse that I contemplated giving up the game altogether.
How is YOUR week going?! Good? Great!
Welcome to Week 15 of the NFL season, where I'm still picking up the pieces of my miserable life right now and trying to trudge forward like the good OutKick soldier I am.
OK, it's not that miserable. I'm being dramatic, but as is life during the NFL season. Ups and downs, baby. Marathon, not a sprint.
Are the Dolphins on probation until Sunday at 1 p.m. on the dot? Absolutely. They're dead to me right now. But that doesn't mean we just hang it up and stop ranking teams. You don't deserve that. You didn't blow a 14-point lead like a bunch of weak losers with no backbone. They did.
So, we grab our favorite sub and we look toward the future together.
Yeah, bit of a random turn, huh? Didn't see it coming! Let me explain ...
So, I was gonna do a Christmas-themed one today, but I did that last week and I'm obviously doing it again next week. I didn't want you guys to call me lazy for three straight weeks, so I had to audible.
Anyway, I was gone all weekend and on the way home yesterday after shooting 150 we stopped at the Wawa for some fuel. I hadn't eaten all day because I was too annoyed/hungover from the night before, so I ran in and grabbed a sub. They call it a Hoagie, but I live in Florida and down here, it's a sub.
Ever had a Wawa sub? Delicious. You wouldn't think it being a gas station and all, but Wawa subs are worth the risk because they're much more than a gas station.
It got me thinking about my favorite sub spots on the way home. The sub market is just loaded right now because we all want to act healthy even though they're not at all healthy, so it's a good time to dive in.
It's Week 15 NFL Power Rankings: 'The Best Subs Of The League' edition! Let's ride.
Tier 1: The Firehouse tier
Firehouse Subs is hands down the best sub chain around, and it ain't close. For starters, the smell when you walk in is elite. Unbeatable. Undefeated.
The Hook & Ladder on wheat is the best sub in the world. I'm not even a big sub guy outside of your classic Italian sub. That's pretty much my order wherever I go. But the H&L from Firehouse is on a completely different level of any other food I've ever had. It's sweet and savory in a way I didn't know existed.
Couple more things about Firehouse ...
The drink machine at Firehouse is life-changing. It's one of those fancy ones where you can literally pick any soda combination your heart wants. Where else in the sub market can you slug down a Diet Cherry-Vanilla Dr. Pepper? Or a CREME SODA? Nowhere. Unreal. They were so far ahead of the game on that.
Just like the above four teams -- although Philly's on life support here.
This is the least amount of teams I've had in the first tier all season, but you tell me who else deserves to be here right now? Not KC. Not Detroit. Definitely not Miami.
It's San Francisco and Dallas on top, just like the pure football world intended it. Baltimore and Philly are shaky, but they remain for now. We'll see what happens.
Tier 2: The Pub Sub tier
If you don't live south of the Mason-Dixon, you may not understand this one. And that's OK. You will at some point in your life because anyone with half a brain at some point comes to Florida, and we're littered with Publixes down here.
Trust me on this one -- Publix subs are electric. Nothing and I mean nothing hits harder than a Publix sub at the beach on a summer afternoon. Some people swear by the chicken tender sub from Publix, and it's good. Not my favorite, but it's good. For me, it's all about the Italian. Best Italian sub on the market, period.
Added bonus: you're at Publix, the greatest place in America.
Double bonus: most of the time, the Publix sandwich counter is right next to the bakery, and there is no better smell in this great country than the Publix bakery.
PS: if you get a Pub Sub, get the Boar's head meat. Don't be cheap. Act like you've been there before.
Look, I don't know how I'm supposed to put Miami and KC ahead of Buffalo at this point because the Bills beat both. Am I scared that we're about to choke away a three-game AFC East lead and have to go to Buffalo in the wild card round? You bet your ass I am. Unreal.
Here come the Bengals! There go the Jags. Maybe the Lions, too.
I'd rather listen to a democratic debate in its entirety than Tony Romo announce a Bills game at this point. He's truly the worst.
(PPS: I was looking for a Publix video and stumbled upon that above one from 1985. I couldn't stop watching).
Tier 3: The Quiznos tier
Before you ask -- yes, Quiznos does still exist. Barely.
There's actually one up the road from me in Jacksonville. True story. I've never actually been, but I did call once a while back to actually see if it was a real Quiznos, and someone answered. It was shocking. What a pleasant surprise!
The mid-2000s Quiznos era in this country was peak USA. That's when we were at our best, in my opinion. I can't believe nobody had really ever come up with toasting a sub until Quiznos came along and said, 'Hey, let's try this.' And they did. And it worked beautifully for about 30 years.
Things really went off the rails at Quiznos around 2005 when these commercials started coming out, and that's when you knew this was truly a different sub chain:
I still can't believe a group of people huddled up in a room at some point 20 years ago and thought that was a home run marketing scheme. Brilliant. What guts.
Anyway, the spicy toasted Italian from Quiznos was the first toasted sub I ever had as a fat kid, and it changed my life. They also had (have?) a pretty mean Philly cheesesteak. According to Google, there are around 147 Quiznos' left in this country, which seems pretty high to me.
Unfortunately, around 10 percent of them are out in Gavin Newsom's California, so you have to be rich and wear a mask to actually order something. Sad.
Look, all these teams minus the Elves lost last week, so there's not much I can do here. I guess Cleveland should be higher, but a winnable schedule over the final month could vault them into Tier 2 pretty soon. We'll see.
Also, I wanted to put Mr. Unlimited in the Subway tier for obvious reasons, but the Broncos just aren't that bad any more. And yes, Subway is garbage. You'll see.
Tier 4: The Wawa tier
Wawa kinda-sorta just entered the sub chain party recently -- at least for us in the south. We didn't even know what a Wawa was five years ago down here. Now, they're everywhere. It's all Wawas and Racetracs down here, with the occasional run-down Circle K sprinkled in.
That's why I have them so low as of this writing. Can't really put it any higher just because I don't know how it's all gonna play out. I'm relatively new to the world of Wawa hoagies, but they can certainly hold their own.
I also love being able to walk in and quickly type in my order instead of having to talk to someone. Big fan. It's a quick process if you know what you're doing, and I'm all in on that.
But is Wawa a "sub" place yet? I don't think so. It's getting there, but to a lot of folks it's still just a gas station. Because of that, it's Tier No. 4.
Does anyone take the above three teams seriously as legit contenders? No. The Steelers gave up three touchdowns to the NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS last Thursday night. The Rams had it in the bag in Baltimore and choked it away.
The Packers got Tommy DeVitoed -- no shame in that. Can't stop greatness.
Go Army! What a stand.
Tier 5: The Jersey Mike's tier
*NFC South team that we'll be forced to watch at home in a few weeks in an actual NFL playoff game.
Look, I'll go ahead and say it -- Jersey Mike's isn't that great. It's fine. Gets the job done. Has some cool commercials with Danny DeVito.
But in the pantheon of sub joints, it's overrated. Now, they have an elite brownie. Tier 1 brownie. Tier 5 sub. Not awful by any means, but on a magical street lined with a Firehouse, Publix, Quiznos, Wawa and Jersey Mike's, I ain't going to JM.
Frankly, I'd probably just hang out in the Publix all day, but that's neither here nor there.
The Giants and Jets are in here for obvious, corny reasons. Do like the Tommy DeVito story, though. Reminds me of the Josh Dobbs one from a few weeks back, so I assume it'll end well!
NFC South is mesmerizing.
Welcome back, Nicollete!
Tier 6: The Subway tier
Subway stinks, and if you disagree you stink, too. Remember for years how gross Jared pushed the stupid sweet onion chicken teriyaki on us because it made him less fat?
Well guess what? It's a disgusting sandwich. We should've known then that Subway was trash, but we never learn. You know how I know Subway is bad? How many Firehouses do you see right off the interstate exit or sharing a building with the Chevron on the turnpike?
None. That's because they have an ounce of class and morals. Some places are just too good for that crap. Not Subway. They are everywhere, and none of it's good.
Here's a tip: if you're stopping to get gas and when you go in to take a leak you can walk straight through to the adjoining building and order food from an open-air counter, it's probably not great.
The Vikings beat the Raiders 3-0 in an actual NFL game in 2023. Wild. There's a reason Josh Dobbs has been on a billion teams in like four years.
The Patriots won, but really lost because now they screwed up their draft spot. Nice.
The Chargers are gonna have a new head coach in a month if not sooner.
Will Levis is an animal, even if it was painful to watch.
We're on to Kansas City!
Have a suggestion for next week’s NFL Power Rankings tiers? Email me at zach.dean@outkick.com.