NFL Power Rankings: Cowboys Are Fried Turkey, Commanders Are Seafood On Thanksgiving
I got beans, greens, potatoes, tomatoes. Lamb, rams, hogs, dogs. beans, greens, potatoes, tomatoes. Chicken, turkeys, rabbit. You name it!
We've also got Lions, Packers, Cowboys, Commanders, 49ers, Seahawks -- you name it!
Goodness I love this day. Love this week. It's the absolute PEAK of the NFL season. The weather has officially turned, everybody is decking the halls out the wazoo and Al Roker is back on our TV screens for the one and only time this year.
Oh yeah, and the games start to really count. Like, reeeeeeeaaaaallllllyyyy count. The pressure is ratcheted up to a 10. The stupid playoff picture is shown on the TV 150 times a game. We've even got a Black Friday game this year featuring someone called Tim Boyle.
TIM BOYLE!
So, yeah -- great week, great part of the season, phenomenal holiday. You eat, drink, and watch football all day. Literally what I hope heaven is like.
Obviously, you all know what the tiers are gonna be this week. I could try and not do the obvious thing and put an ounce of effort into the thought process, but I'll be honest with you -- I like taking the layup every once in a while.
That's what we're doing here. Doesn't mean it won't ruffle some feathers, though. I promise, it will.
It's Week 12 NFL Power Rankings, the Best Things on the Thanksgiving Table edition!
Tier 1: The Sweet Potato Casserole tier
Now, there's a few major caveats with the sweet potato casserole. For starters, I'm not talking about yams. Yams suck. Yuck.
Secondly, these bad boys need to be sweet. It's in the name, idiots. If I bite into a savory sweet potato casserole on Thanksgiving I will walk my ass down the street to the next house and never come back.
They need to have that crunchy crust of pecans and brown sugar absolutely layered on top, and if you wanna mix in some marshmallows, that's fine, too.
There is nothing like that first bite of sweet potato casserole at Thanksgiving dinner after a day of drinking and getting slaughtered by the sports books. Nothing. All your troubles melt away and you're locked in for one hell of a feast.
The Eagles are pretty obviously the best team in the NFL at this point. I've been fighting it all year, but I don't have a leg to stand on anymore. Now, I still say the Chiefs ain't that good, but the Chiefs during a "down" year are still better than 90% of the league.
Lions, Dolphins and Cowboys all played crappy teams and let them all hang around way too long, but all three won so they all get passes. Detroit's comeback was absurd, as was Dan Campbell's postgame breakdown.
As for the Niners, I still think they're probably the best team in the NFL, especially if Big Cock Brock's gonna sling it around like that. We'll see in a few weeks when they play Philly.
Tier 2: The Fried Turkey With Crispy Skin tier
People love to crap on turkey, but I love it ... only if it's fried.
If you put a turkey in the oven and try to sell me on it I will grab me a slice of ham and be on my way. No thanks. I prefer my meat to not be dry and disgusting.
Oven turkey is gross. But a deep fried bird that's been dry-rubbed (hey now!) with so many spices it looks burnt when you take it out? That's living. Don't worry. It ain't burnt. It's just that crispy and seasoned. Trust me.
I once fried a turkey just like that for my grandparents a few years back. My grandfather, God rest his soul, refused to touch it because it looked burnt. Couldn't convince him otherwise. Now, he also thought it was still 1957 every five minutes, so that might not be the best example, but you know what I mean.
White meat, dark meat, blue meat -- I don't care, as long as she's deep fried and crispy.
The Cowboys and Dolphins are the exact same team and they're barreling towards an NFL Christmas eve showdown. By the way, as a longtime miserable Dolphins fan, I can 10000% see them losing to the Tim Boyle Jets this week. Don't be surprised.
Jags got back on track against a Titans team that is shockingly bad. Bills did the same against a Jets offense that truly may be the worst of all time.
CJ Stroud threw three picks and won, so that's cool. I love Stroud, by the way, but for the love of God, can we please stop sharing every single touchdown pass on social media like it's the greatest thing ever? We get it, but relax.
Sarah and Dak!
Tier 3: The Cornbread & Sausage Stuffing tier
Some people hate stuffing. I love it, but there better be some effort put in. If it tastes like you quickly threw it together two hours ago by skimming the back of a Stove Top box, then you can kindly hit the bricks. I don't want the Publix brand "Savory Herb" stuffing. Nobody wants that. That's poverty stuff.
I want some thought put into it. I want an ounce of effort. When I take a bite of my stuffing, I want to be surprised by the adventure I'm suddenly going on.
My mom makes an unreal cornbread stuffing -- literally, just use the Jiffy box -- and adds in some spicy Italian sausage that brings it to an entirely different level. She's also a chef, so I'd go ahead and try and do that later today if you're looking to bring a show-stopper to Thanksgiving dinner. You're welcome.
I'll be honest with you, I'm not sure any of these NFL teams are any good. They're all either starting backups QBs, just fired their OC or are Russell Wilson, whom I can't stand. To be fair, though, Russ is cooking right now and if he would just focus on cooking and stop being intolerable on social media I'd be back on board.
But hey, we finally spelled Browns this year and not Elves! It took 11 weeks and a QB under center who's not a disgusting creep, but we got there. Congrats to DTR and the Brownies!
Hello, Stephanie Niles.
Tier 4: The Cranberry Sauce tier
*really terrible team but can maybe make playoffs because division is equally terrible.
Look, I love cranberry sauce. I'll eat it plain later today just because I can. You get yourself a little fork of deep fried turkey, cornbread stuffing and cranberry sauce and your mouth is in for a wild ride.
But I also recognize that I'm in the minority here and 99% of the world is anti-cranberry sauce, so I get it. That's why I put the entire NFC south minus the awful Panthers in this tier. They're all terrible but they could also host a playoff game. Best of both worlds!
I don't really have anything else to say about these teams -- that's how boring and awful they are. You sort of forget they exist until you have to crown a winner in the division. Until then, they're just sort of ... there.
Well, them and Brandon Staley, who must be a real pleasure to sit with today:
Tier 5: The Green Beans tier
*terrible NFL teams but may sneak into playoffs if things get wild.
I'm not talking about green bean casserole, by the way. I love GBC. It's delicious. Those fried onion things that go on top? Electric.
I'm talking about just plain green beans. Anyone who serves plain green beans at Thanksgiving is a psycho. First off, they're not that good to begin with. Secondly, you literally have them at least twice a week as a throwaway side at dinner because it's all you have in the fridge and your wife thinks you "need a vegetable."
Why would you eat something on Thanksgiving that you can eat all year long? That's idiotic. Thanksgiving food should be a treat. You should eat things later today that you haven't eaten in 365 days. Not things you begrudgingly ate two days ago.
If you're wasting plate space with plain green beans today, you're doing Thanksgiving wrong.
The Colts and Chargers stink but there's also a path for both to BS their way into a first round playoff loss. We'll see.
That's all I got here.
Tier 6: The Anything Non-Traditional tier
This is a pretty broad tier, but it's one that needed to be included. Listen to me, and listen to me closely ...
If you serve anything other than the traditional Thanksgiving food items at Thanksgiving dinner, you're a loser and a try-hard and you need to stop.
If you're doing seafood on Thanksgiving, you're a loser. If you're serving me spaghetti and meatballs on Thanksgiving, you're a loser. If I sit down and you put a rack of ribs in front of me, you should be locked up forever with no chance of parole.
I don't want shrimp cocktail as an appetizer. I don't want a garden salad. I don't want tacos.
I want the above few items (minus the green beans, of course) and maybe a few dinner rolls. That's it. If you want to throw in some mac and cheese, that's OK. Ham's cool, too. Everything else can stay in the fridge until Black Friday.
All of the above "NFL" teams are unbelievably bad. I know it sounds mean, but Aidan O'Connell is really a fatter version of Derek Carr. There's no other way to say it.
Cardinals stink but at least they're watchable now with TKM throwing bombs. Titans are about to be looking for a new coach. Bears are, too. The Pats probably ain't far behind.
Any team that gives up three tuddies to Tommy DeVito deserves to be relegated straight out of the NFL. Commandos are lucky to even be here still.
#TeamCharissa!
Happy Thanksgiving, ya filthy animals.
Have a suggestion for next week’s NFL Power Rankings tiers? Email me at zach.dean@outkick.com.