Hate to say it, but DYNASTY OVER.
Amateur soothsayers all over Twitter are using this massive thunderbolt straight from Zeus’s trousers as a sign that Nick Saban is up to no good, but in a good way. They’re saying he’s creating some hybrid monster middle schooler who can get to the passer and drop back in coverage, the next generation of freak athlete and first round talent. Or maybe just a decent kicker. Unfortunately, they’re all completely wrong.
Hate to say it Bama fans, but the Frankenstein jokes won’t save you this Fall. Everybody knows that when a bolt of lightning hits a tree, that tree is eventually going in the campfire. It may stand for a couple more years, but eventually the roots die and the recruiting dries up. Soon the rest of the SEC will be roasting marshmallows over your Saban-less remains in a giant cow pasture next to Auburn, dancing the night away. (Don’t bother asking for an invite, B1G 10 fans; posterizing you is the only silver lining to watching the Tide roll year after year).
Oh yes, this bolt is a bad sign for Bama fans. I’m predicting that all sorts of calamities will befall the Tuscaloosa universe come football season, and not only for the team itself. Beers will run flat at Gallettes. Flies will swarm the Quad on gamedays. A pestilence of liberal professors will descend from New Hampshire. The pain will be biblical—retribution for years of pigskin domination throughout the Southern lands.
Only the sacrifice of a first-string starter’s ankle, days before the Iron Bowl, will save your precious T-town, and even then, it still may be too late. The curse will be too far along. Your dear children will have already sat through a semester of gender studies from their new professor by then.
So save yourselves the heartbreak, Bama fans, and disband the dynasty to save your town. The omen has been foretold; the rammer jammer yellow hammer from heaven has finally been dropped.
That is, of course, unless you are ready to hear your freshman daughter’s take on why socialism has never really been tried the right way at Thanksgiving this November.
Follow me on Twitter @outkicktommy.