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From the sound of things, 80-year-old Martha Stewart is off-the-charts horny but there’s a big problem — she needs her friends to die off so she can get in the sack with these guys who are driving her nuts.
Appearing on Chelsea Handler’s Dear Chelsea podcast, the former federal prison inmate explained how she wants to jump bones, but the guys on the radar are already hitched and she needs old age to take its course and kill off her friends who are married to these studs.
“I had two mad crushes in the last month, which is really good for me,” Stewart said of these beefcakes. “But it turns out, you know, one of them is married to the mother of some friends of mine and I just — he’s so attractive.”
“You know, you can’t be a home wrecker,” Handler warned Martha.
“No, I’m not. I’ve never been a home wrecker. I’ve tried really hard not to be. I’ve had the opportunity to be home wrecker and I have not taken anybody up on it. And that’s really where — that’s where I meet men. They’re all married to friends of mine or something like that,” Stewart said.
It sounds like Martha might need to jump on Tinder and start swiping. You know, pull a couple of one-nighters until these old hag friends of hers die off, and then she can jump on the yachts with these young bucks she’s been wanting to take for a test drive.
“Maybe they’ll die,” Stewart told Handler of these wives. “I always think, oh gosh, couldn’t that person just die.”
“Not — not painfully. Just die … But it, it hasn’t worked out.”
Talk about a conversation starter the next time Martha hosts a party. Just imagine 73-year-old Cindy sitting there with her 69-year-old HGH-fueled husband David and Martha is shooting virtual darts right through Cindy’s head as she thinks about going to pound town on Dave’s 100-foot yacht off the coast of Italy while her old friend is being stuffed into a pine box.
Something tells me Martha’s not being honest about waiting for these old broads to croak. It sounds like all she needs is for them to go into assisted living and she’s moving right into the sack with the old-timer multi-millionaires looking to break out of a losing streak.
You old broads have been warned.