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We’ve made it to another Tuesday, my friends.
And we have a jam-packed Nightcaps for you today.
Ever been to a Chinese restaurant? That was a rhetorical question. Of course you have. And you have a strong understanding of what Chinese food is. But we’re going to dive into what they see as American — well — “white people” food.
Plus, snakes are invading everyone’s houses, Kelly Osbourne reveals her true feelings for Prince Harry, a prominent NFL agent is wrestling sharks and I just don’t like Maxx Crosby’s tattoos.
I am not sorry about that.
But I won’t bore you with my personal musings. Mostly because I’m running way behind today.
So pour a drink, kick back and let’s roll. It’s Nightcaps time.
Chinese People Losing Their Minds Over White People Food
They sent us the Coronavirus. So this is our payback.
White people food is taking over China.
Apparently, it started because international students were dumbfounded by the quick and easy meals their American peers eat. That includes things like cold sandwiches and raw vegetables.
They’re even just now catching onto Lunchables, a delicacy every Millennial knows well.
She calls it “the lunch of suffering.”
In this video — which had me, quite literally, LOLing — the creator shows a tupperware of chicken breast, broccoli and rice.
Fun fact: I’m a former competitive bodybuilder. And, for the most part, I still eat like one. I consume the “lunch of suffering” every single day. Multiple times a day.
As we speak — and at any given time — my refrigerator is full of chicken, turkey and green vegetables portioned out in neatly stacked tupperware containers.
Back in my bikini competition days, I reminded myself that I was eating for aesthetics, not for taste.
So when my girl Kyla up there said white people food has made them realize “the point of eating is not for enjoyment,” I laughed so hard I nearly choked on my unseasoned green beans.
I am white people.
‘I’ve had it with these mf’n snakes on this mf’n….’
No, really. A video went viral last week of a snake slithering out of a ceiling fan before catapulting itself into the unsuspecting camera person.
And Samuel L. Jackson is absolutely livid.
In the video, you can see it struggling to emerge from the running fan. Finally, a blade smacks the serpent and sends the poor thing flying.
Upon further inspection, it appears the animal burrowed its way out of the ceiling and onto the fan.
But you really never know when there might be a snake in your house.
Because just a few days ago, an Australian man encountered a giant python in his shower.
Imagine sitting on the toilet and looking up to see this 6-foot monster staring you in the face.
Anthony Jackson from Hudson Snake Catching got a call from a terrified guy in Queensland saying a giant snake had taken over his bathroom.
“Old mate told me, ‘Mate, it scared the s–t out of me,'” Jackson said.
Funny because he was on the toilet.
Anyway, that lil’ guy is a coastal carpet python. And apparently he was just enjoying the warmth of the bathroom heat lamp. But don’t worry — Jackson says they’re mostly harmless unless you piss them off.
“Just treat them with respect and you will get respect back,” he said.
I will respect him by not getting anywhere near him, how about that?
That python is huge. But I’d also freak out if I saw this…
Between all these snake sightings and the black bear spotted roaming in my neighboring city of Smyrna, Tenn., my head is on a swivel.
Kelly Osbourne Says What We All Think about Prince Harry
On today’s episode of the I’ve Had It podcast, Kelly Osbourne — daughter of Ozzy, obviously — told us what she really thinks about Prince Harry.
And not surprisingly, it’s what we all think about Prince Harry.
“I think Harry is a f-cking twat,” she said. “He’s a whining, whinging, complaining, ‘Woe is me, I’m the only one who’s ever had mental problems, like, my life was so hard.”
But she didn’t stop there.
“Everybody’s life is f-cking hard,” she said. “You were the prince of a goddamn country who dressed as a f-cking Nazi, and now you’re trying to come back as the Pope? Suck it. No. No.”
Kelly is referencing a 2005 themed party where Harry dressed as a Nazi — complete with a swastika armband.
He later apologized and called it “probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life” in his Netflix docuseries.
The other biggest mistake, of course, being his marriage to Meghan Markle.
Speaking of The Duchess of Succubus, a clip from an independent crime flick recently resurfaced on Reddit over the weekend.
Here’s a young Markle strutting her stuff in a fake perfume ad.
It’s giving Zoolander vibes.
But what do I know?
The extent of my “modeling” experience ends at my bikini competitor days when I did some ads for a Florida-based swimwear company. I have never felt so awkward in my life.
I will not be sharing those photos.
But I still won’t feel sorry for Meghan Markle, who has gotten paid millions of dollars to do basically nothing.
By the way, if you didn’t understand the Ducchess of Succubus reference earlier, here’ you go.
Drew Rosenhaus Wrestles a Shark
NFL super agent Drew Rosenhaus went on a fishing trip with his client Tyreek Hill today.
He was out snorkeling when a shark pulled up to join the party. And instead of swimming to the boat screaming for dear life as I would have done, he decided to grab it by the tail.
One of the fishermen asked Tyreek if he wanted to jump in and take a photo with Drew and the shark.
“Hell nah!” said the wide receiver, who is obviously much smarter than his agent.
As a Miami Dolphins fan, I would like to thank my WR1 for not getting his leg bitten off by Jaws this offseason.
Here’s what’s really crazy about all of this, though: As I was Googling to get more information on this encounter, I ran across a 2013 Bleacher Report story titled, “Remember That Time Drew Rosenhaus Wrestled a Shark?“
So I was like “Oh, shoot. This didn’t happen recently. This is an old story.”
But NO SIR. Come to find out, that was a separate incident! This nutcase has wrestled at least two sharks!
I am actually scheduled to embark on a deep sea fishing trip July 2.
While I will certainly share with you my treasures in my July 4 Nightcaps, I regret to inform you I will not be swimming with sharks.
Content is important, but my limbs are importanter.
Maxx Crosby Shows off New Tattoos
Maxx Crosby has always had a lot of ink. But in his Father’s Day Instagram post this weekend, the Las Vegas Raiders defensive end showed off a whole lot more of it.
Crosby’s new “Be Legendary” piece, features Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali, Kobe Bryant and — I think — his daughter.
Couple things here.
First, I have no tattoos. I used to use the old line, “You don’t put bumper stickers on a Ferrari.”
But in reality, it’s because I’m scared of needles. And also because I cannot think of anything I would want to put permanently on my body.
I get bored if I have the same nail color for more than two weeks. I cannot imagine how sick I would get of seeing Michael Jordan’s mug every time I look in the mirror in the morning.
Which brings me to the second thing: I cannot understand why anyone would get anyone’s face tattooed on their body.
Aside from the fact that Maxx Crosby’s wife has to stare all these people (including their child!) in the face every time the couple is intimate, it’s also just creepy to me.
There’s a woman who goes to my gym that has a man’s face tattooed on each thigh. The men are older, wearing military uniforms. I assume they are her grandfathers.
Imagine — um — going south on that girl and her dead grandpas are watching you.
Lord, I hope she doesn’t read OutKick.
I love my grandfather a whole lot too, but I’m not permanently printing his face on my body. And I think he’d be weirded out if I did.
Nightcaps Question of the Day
Look, if you have a face (other than your actual face) somewhere on your body, feel free to email or tweet me to tell me how stupid I am.
But I’m not changing my mind. Unless Joe Rogan offers me $100K to go on his podcast and debate about it.
That said, let’s dive in to our question of the day!
Head over to Twitter right now and show me the most heinous ink you’ve ever seen.
I’ll pick a winner to reveal in next Tuesday’s Nightcaps.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go check all my ceiling fans for snakes.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.
Follow me on Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.