It’s High Time Science Did Something To Help Me Stop Wasting Money On Avocados 

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There’s a lot of talk about science these days. Whether to believe it or not to believe it. Has it become a tool for pushing an agenda? We’ve even got scientists working on AI programs that will someday probably be capable of taking over the world.

I just wish we could get science back to its roots. I don’t mean making paper-mâché volcanoes or flying kites in a thunderstorm, I mean getting back to a place where science’s primary function is to understand the world and make our lives better.

And I submit that we start with figuring out what the hell is going on with avocados. I’m tired of wasting money on them.

Call me crazy, but I love a nice avocado. There’s something about chopping one open along its purplish prime meridian (while always nearly losing a digit in the process) to reveal its bright green internal goodness.

You can smear one on toast, throw it in a salad, or smash it into guacamole. However you use them, they’re surefire crowd-pleasers.

But here’s my problem: those moments are few and far between because things are so damn temperamental.

They’re the mules of the fruit world… at least I think they’re fruits.

Avocados are a gamble; whenever you crack one open you either get a delicious treat or a biological weapon. (Getty Images)

Avocados Are A Gamble

I’m a veteran avocado buyer and even I feel like I’d have better luck spending that money on scratchers.

I wander into a grocery store and pick up a mesh bag of avocados and am always faced with the same dilemma: I either have to eat them the second I get in my car because they’re on the verge of turning to mush, or I have to wait for them to ripen at some point during the next lunar cycle.

They’re never ready when I want them to be ready. That bothers me.

Upon bringing avocados home and let them sit on the counter. I periodically check them to see if they’re ready.

Still — despite my ever-vigilant eye — I usually go to bed one night and wake up the next morning only to be greeted by avocados that you need a hazmat suit to touch. The stupid things hit their sweet spots overnight more often than not.

I can’t explain this. It’s like some kind of gypsy curse or something. I may as well have just thrown some money in the trash when this happens.

However, on the rare occasions they do hit their sweet spot while I’m awake, those avocados have to become my singular focus. That day is filled with my girlfriend and I reminding each other that someone is going to have to eat those avocados lest we lose out on $3.99.

“Someone’s got to eat the avocado.”

“Are you going to eat this avocado?”

“This avocado’s starting to turn; get out the guacamole accouterments, stat.”

I don’t need another chore. I just want to eat avocado smeared on a piece of toast on my schedule.

Not the schedule of some kind of spiteful produce god.

If these two stock photo models pretending to be scientists aren’t talking about how to fix avocados, I’m going to be pissed. (Getty Images)

C’mon Science, Let’s Solve This One

Can scientists please finally cobble together a more robust avocado? It doesn’t seem like it would be that hard. You just start cross-breeding the avocado trees that yield the fruit with the most longevity. It seems like anyone could do this. Hell, I would do it if I had the time.

It’s just that I don’t have the time. I’m too busy writing and being super badass.

But If I did, I can assure you I’d be crossing avocado genes like some kind of douchey Gregor Mendel.

Hasn’t this kind of thing been done before? Isn’t that how we have corn that can grow in deserts or underwater or whatever?

If that’s a bridge too far, then the least they can do is put a sticker on there to let me know when the avocado will be ripe. We have expiration dates, why not ripeness dates? I’m sick of having to guess when to buy avocados if I want to whip up some guacamole for a day of football. Doing that is like trying to thread a needle. You buy your avocados on the Thursday before and they’ll either be ripe in an hour and a half or by Thursday the following week.

How about it, scientists? Let’s get on this. There’s probably some good money for whoever can come up with an avocado that’s ready to eat when you are. One with an internal clock like a Swiss train conductor.

Even if scientists are too busy curing cancer or figuring out how we can get to Mars without everyone dying, maybe they can kick around some avocado ideas on their lunch breaks.

Follow on Twitter: @Matt_Reigle

Written by Matt Reigle

Matt is a University of Central Florida graduate and a long-suffering Philadelphia Flyers fan living in Orlando, Florida. He can usually be heard playing guitar, shoe-horning obscure quotes from The Simpsons into conversations, or giving dissertations to captive audiences on why Iron Maiden is the greatest band of all time.

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