My incredibly busy week is about to come to a close and it’s going to feel amazing to suck down that first Busch Light draft and throw $20 on some Keno numbers
As always, I want to start by saying I have one of the easiest jobs in the world, but there are times when my brain starts to hit its breaking point and I need to sit on a barstool, bullshit with friends, root for #69 to hit on the Keno board, and watch Tiger crush golf balls at a bowling alley bar — shoutout to Forest View Lanes in Temperance, MI and great American Rich K., who has one of the best damn fun centers in the United States — while suckin’ down those Busch Light drafts and talking about our work weeks.
For me, this week I’ve spent more time stuffing envelopes and on phone calls than any other time in my life. I lost track of the envelope count at 400. Addresses just kept being thrown at me from all sorts of angles. I was like a F-16 pilot avoiding incoming DMs from every single corner of this country.
Watch out, Maverick, there’s a DM headed right at you from Mark H. in Trenton, MI!
GOT IT! STICKER ON THE WAY! THE ENVELOPE IS STUFFED!
Mark let me know he’s serving as his neighborhood TNML rep, and he would act as my sticker distributor. Relax, feds, they’re just stickers!
Now, I want you guys to see why I cannot get enough of this job and why it brings a smile to me every damn day.
Look at what Jason R. in Far Nor Cal sent in last night:
On golf trip formats
• Dave C. writes:
I’m assuming that Adam wants gambling games and I think one of the best for a foursome is bingo, bango, bongo, low score, low total. It’s teams, two against two, playing your own ball. So there are five points awarded on each hole.
First, you decide how much a point is worth usually anywhere from a $1 to $1,000+ depending on how much you want to bet. You must play by golf rule order. The first one on the green is bingo, the closest to the pin when everyone is on the green is bango, the first one in the hole is bongo, and then you have the low score and the low team score. (Yes a person holing in from the fairway could get all three by being first on the green, closest to the pin and first in).
Low score and low team score could push, but you will always have a minimum of three points per hole. The teams change every six holes, so that everyone plays with everyone as a teammate. On the sixth hole which is the last hole of those teams before the change hole, you can add in Vegas. Vegas is played by taking the two scores of each twosome and then subtracting it against the highest scores of the twosome and that’s how many points you would win on that hole.
You may want to think this out before you decide to add it to the game because this can get very pricy if one person in the twosome has a bad hole. An example of that would be: 1st twosome 4 & 4, 2nd twosome 6 & 4. 64-44 = 20 points ( high score of team always first) which at $1 per point would be $20. You could also set a top high score on the vegas hole let’s say 8 (or whatever you agree on) that way you won’t get killed if someone shot a 9 or above. Ex- 4 & 5, vs 6 & 8. 86-54 = 32 points.
If you don’t like that game, the other recommendation I would give you is to buy the book by Doug Sanders, Action on the first tee, 130 ways to make a bet. Great book. Should still be in publication, but I don’t know for sure.
On teaching and fitting in The Masters
• Caleb M. in Nebraska writes:
Just taking a break from teaching 2nd Graders to put THE MASTERS on the SMARTBOARD!
This reminds me of a teacher I had who would roll in one of those massive box TVs on a stand to watch the U.S. Open (tennis) action back in high school. Hell yeah, let’s watch Agassi light up some German.
I’m sure the state board of education wouldn’t like this suggestion, but shouldn’t we be teaching our kids about grit and determination by having them watch Tiger Woods waddle around Augusta National on a bum leg in his quest to win that green jacket one more time?
Hey teachers, create a Masters lesson plan. Teach the kids how to figure out live odds, how to add up how many strokes it will take Sandy Lyle (+10) to make the cut. Make it fun!
On poopy diaper bar stories
• Mark in Frisco, TX writes:
Good morning, and happy Masters Opening Day! First off, I love how all of these SC readers have specialty hobbies/abilities(like making their own maple syrup). I have a theory that the zombie apocalypse will cause groups of people to come together to share these skills and keep their local neighborhoods alive. One guy knows how to rebuild a generator, while another guy makes sure the pancakes still taste like civilization. We all work together.
I had to write to give kudos to Matt W for the poopy diaper story. I laughed the whole time I was texting my buddies to go check it out. Absolutely hilarious, and it’s led my ex-RAF buddy to promise a “topper” story the next time we meet for drinks. Great stories lead to great bar/garage beers sessions. I think your readers should submit their funniest bar/bet/course/vacation stories, and you could compile them into a book titled “One time, in a bar…”.
A great way to start the day. Keep up the good work.
Here Matt W. was worried his story would bomb and here it could turn into book material.
I love the book idea and it reminds me of so many dumb fun moments I’ve had over the last decade-plus working on the Internet and running around the country with my friends. I think back to absolutely roasting in a tent for an M&Ms event at Kentucky Speedway after getting all liquored up. I can’t help but bust out laughing thinking of the two of us laying on air mattresses with a tiny fan to keep us cool.
Man, great memories.
On golf outing stories
• Chris S. in Antioch, IL writes:
We have an annual spring outing that is going on its 9th year this May. We have 14 guys this year. Our format is based on four 9 hole matches, using total team results in each round to determine the winner.
On Friday we arrive and do a quick 9 hole warmup round. We then divide up the teams. To select teams this year, we bought two different colored balls, and randomly selected them to be sent to all the participants. When they arrive at the 1st hole, we take the reds and greens, and that makes the teams.
Friday after lunch we do two 9 hole rounds, one round of 2 man scramble, one round of best ball.
On Saturday morning, the captains look at their teams and we set up a round of 1v1 match play. The next 9 is straight-up singles stroke play, and we use an overall team average score to determine the winner of that round. We also allow the captains to drop one players score from each round, so we can compensate for the high handicappers in the group and make it fairer. The last round of 9 on Saturday is just for fun. Everyone is usually pretty well primed, and it turns into a total shitshow of anything goes, usually ending with the entire group playing the final par 3, (if we make it that far), all together.
We have the standard betting, longest drive, closest to the pin, putting/chipping contest, etc.
We have a trophy for the winning captain, award a thrift shop jacket to the MVP, (the winner has to sew a patch of their choosing on it) and a trophy for the guy who overdoes it and pukes through the first round on Saturday (there is always one). It is a great time, I highly encourage anyone who can, put together a trip like this. The wives have gotten tired of hearing the same stories from these trips, but they never get old to us.
I’m 10 weeks out from disappearing up north into Michigan for several days for my annual trip, and I cannot wait. Just reading this email transports me from in front of a computer and into the woods thinking I’ve been dropped off in heaven.
And finally this morning…
I received a message from C.W. in Michigan who writes about what she purchased for her husband’s birthday:
So I got him a t-shirt, the LED toilet bowl lights, and — get this! — lawn seats to the Barenaked Ladies, featuring Toad the Wet Sprocket and Gin Blossoms! We’re taking it back to 1995, and we might stay there for a good, long while.
C.W. had been sending me messages about these LED toilet bowl lights and I couldn’t emphasize enough how much her husband will LOVE the lights. Ladies, THIS is what we really want for our birthdays. Save the cards. Save the 12-packs of garage beers…even though that’s a very nice touch and heartfelt.
LED toilet bowl lights become instant content for our lives. We tell our buddies about those lights. We start to think of more ways to incorporate LEDs into our bathrooms. Our brains were wired for bathroom LED lights.
Now, let’s go out there and dominate Friday at work. Get those apps fired up, listen to the Augusta birds. And then go have yourself an incredible weekend. I’ll be around Saturday morning if you’re hungover and in bed looking for a pick me up.